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[FONT="Comic Sans MS"][COLOR="DarkOrchid"]Hey guys,

My ex-girlfriend is pregnant. Her ex-boyfriend, by whom she is pregnant, is currently off the scene because she doesnít trust him not to cheat on her, as he has in the past. At the time she and I got together last summer they were separated. But I didnít realise the extent of their history, which eventually conspired against me as she got back with him. I was hurt but I accepted that they were well suited for each other and I tried to see her as a friend. We regularly spoke on the phone but never saw each other in person.

We had a falling out before Christmas and didnít talk for a while because I over-stepped the mark and she said she didnít need me making things more confusing for her. I accepted that. So I was surprised to hear from her again after Christmas. Thatís when she told me she was pregnant and that she had split up with her boyfriend. Alarm bells started ringing straight away. Now a few weeks later, my concerns were realised when she asked me last Friday whether I was prepared to take on her and her baby.

The way she asked was as though she assumed that was what I wanted and she was very angry when I told her I only see her as a friend. Sure, we have been talking fairly regularly and we get along as friends and make each other laugh and reminisce about our time together. But I donít think I gave any clear signals that I wanted to get back with her, let alone be a father to her baby. After she got angry we didnít talk for a couple of days and, once again, I didnít expect to hear from her. But she called me on Sunday evening and we cleared the air.

Iím not sure how to proceed. I want to be there for my ex-girlfriend as a friend and I canít deny I still have romantic feelings towards her. But I know I couldnít give her what she wants and needs. I want children but I want them to be my own and with the girl with whom Iíve chosen to spend the rest of my life. However, it seems that neither of us can help ourselves, and we end up flirting whenever we talk.

I donít know whether I should cut or reduce contact with my ex-girlfriend, or explain to her exactly how I feel and continue to be her friend but be stricter with myself to keep the boundaries distinct. I should add at this stage that itís important for me to maintain a dialogue with her because my ex-girlfriend has a hard time of it with people letting her down, and I donít want to be just another let down for her.

Has anybody got any experience of this kind of situation? Thank you :)[/COLOR][/FONT]
[QUOTE=rosequartz;3865623]friends? friends don't treat people the way she treated you

trust me you're only around because you can DO something for her......once you've outlived your usefullness you will be history......

sorry it's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth and I'm trying to save you the trouble and the heartache.[/QUOTE]
[FONT="Comic Sans MS"][COLOR="DarkOrchid"]I appreciate your honesty, [COLOR="Magenta"]rosequartz[/COLOR], and it's far more useful to me than telling me what I want to hear, which is that things can continue with nobody getting hurt.

You've hit the nail on the head with the way this girl has treated me in the past. Even her best friend sided with me and said of her "She'll need you before you need her".

Like I said, it makes me uncomfortable but maybe you're right and I need to stop talking to her :( Thanks for seconding [COLOR="magenta"]rosequartz[/COLOR]'s response, [COLOR="magenta"]Jessica[/COLOR]![/COLOR][/FONT]
You have nothing to gain from this situation. You will lose a "not so good" friend but in the end, once you are over it, you will be far more grateful for pulling out. I can appreciate the fact that maybe you are her shoulder to lean on when she is doubting herself or her decisions, we all need those. However, what good could possibly come out of prolonging this "friendship"? She has hurt you and in essence, trampled all over your feelings in the past and then she comes running back to you when she realizes you were the better man for her all along. You really deserve to be surrounded by better friends. If she has family, they can be there for her and the baby and I am sure they won't let them suffer. You should back out of this now before you become attached to the baby who will be arriving soon.
Johnny, the one thing that's confusing me is when you said at Christmas time you had a fight with her because you "over-stepped the mark and she said she didn't need you making things more confusing." What does this mean exactly? It kind of sounds like you tried to kiss her, flirt with her aggresively, or behaved in some other way that went beyond just being friends. And that's why she said she figured being with her and taking on her child is what you would want. Am I wrong here?

In anyc ase, it sounds like both of you have a very hard time drawing that line and staying on the friends side of it. This is just my personal opinion, but I think the only time exes should even try to be friends is when both parties are completely totally over the romantic part of the relationship and they just want each other to be happy and sleeping with each other again never occurs to either of them. I don't think either one of you is there. I think if you can be friends with this girl and leave the past completely totally in the past, forgive everything, put the sexual romantic part totally behind you and treat her like you would any of your male friends, and make it clear to her that's all it's going to be, then maybe this has a shot. If you don't think you can do that, then I say let it lie. Tell her you're sorry but you think there's just too much complication to the situation and you don't want to lead her on or be led on, so it might be best to move on and wish her well.
[QUOTE=JohnnyBoateng;3883976]But the people-pleaser in me can't bring himself to tell her straight that I don't want things to develop any further between us. Maybe this is something I have to learn to do at this stage in my life...[/COLOR][/FONT][/QUOTE]

Don't worry, its not an abormality, nor an overly bad problem to have! ;)

My ex was like that (not saying you're like him that much, he was a jerk overall, you're clearly not). He led me on for months, and months because he felt like he couldn't say no, or so he says, and kept saying "I only did it for you not for me."
You're not like my ex, he didn't have good intentions such as yourself, but I think men can find it hard to say no. In fact, if you come here often on these boards, must men don't say anything and just disappear because they just can't face the music! I may be making a huge assumption and generalization here, but it seems like it is inherently a male thing, in their biological nature or something!

I can see you know what the situation is with Louise, and the consequences likely to follow.
You know how you feel, which is good!

So come on...slowly take action.

You don't have to disappear from her life entirely but certainly for now you need to back right off. She [B]NEEDS [/B] to be able to stand on her own two feet. Yes, she's had a bad time in the past, but loads of people do. People are almost murdered, raped, beaten, drugged, mugged. People have witnessed relatives deaths etc. But life goes. Doesn't mean they're going to be incapable of life alone. Louiseneeds to, to be able to survive and look after her baby.

She has her ex, she has family. Its up to them now. She is lucky she has any family at all! Some people, are REALLY alone. If this was the case here, then I could begin to understand your help to a certain degree.

Honestly, please, don't feel guilty or responsible.

You're doing not only yourself, but her and her baby, more damage by staying around. If you're not going to do this for yourself, then do it for Louise.

It will be really, really hard, I understand, and you should know too, but you need to tell her you need to take a step back and stay out of all this. Tell her you're still her friend, but that nothing more will happen, and you think now is a good time to seperate for a while. So she can get used to not having you around, and being able to get more support from her family and prepare herself for the birth of her child. She needs to concentrate on that, and not find out about you and Lora or some other girl you'll eventually begin to date.

Good luck Johnny.

You sound like a lovely, lovely man.

Oh and by the way....still keep searching online for girls to go out on dates with. Remember not to expect much, it's just something to keep you busy while you distance yourself from Louise. Just meet up with some girls, even if its just for spending time with new people and enjoying female companionship ;) Doesn't always have to be a girlfriend :angel:

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