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So, I have been feeling up and down throughout this relationship. My bf and I will be together for a year on March 8th of this year. Anyways, we had so much problems in the beginning with him and his best friend who is a girl. They have been best friends since he was starting high school. He's 22 and I'm 21. Not only that but she was his first love and he gave it up to her. So of course, he's gonna stick to her like glue for everything. Right now, he says he loves me so much and blah blah but it's hard for me to see it and I don't even say it back to him. I don't know if it's because of what happen this past year that I don't know if he really means it. Couple months ago, he left to go get mail and I just sat on his chair and look on his computer and I saw her name on his AIM thing. I decided just to click on it because I thought he was talking to her and he wasn't. There was a saved conversation for couple days before and it said "I'm in love with you more now than I have before." and she replied him back saying "Where is this all coming from? You've ignored me and you're telling me this now?" Not only has he said it to her now, but he had before. This was not the first time. The first time I saw it on his text like 3 months into our relationship. I read it out loud to him as he stands next to me asking what's wrong. This all happened in November.

I mean there's so many stuff happened before all that. He asked her to come visit him and he payed for her plane ticket, and he stayed at his place and he didn't want me there nor does he wanted me to meet her. Yeah... strange. I was hurting so bad like I never had. I lost my virginity to him. I mean I had a first love too of 3 years but I never gave it up to him and we had problems but I never go to him for anything because he's in a new serious relationship and I'm going to let them do their thing. And also I've seen him having private conversations with her when I'm taking a shower or at school. He was very sneaky and do things behind my back and of course I'm going to think he still has feelings for her. He said he's not in love with her like that but he will always love her. She has been there for him through so many things and her friendship means a lot to him. I did not see that at all. Though we were still new to the relationship and we haven't really been dating long, I couldn't give him an ultimatum that it's either her or me. I have told him to do that before but he was crying saying I can do that to him. I can't make him stop talking to his best friend and all that bs. So stupid me, forgave him when she came over to visit and they had their own little weekend even though he took her to an event when he promise to take me there. =/

So yeah. As months goes by, that AIM msg that I caught him saying he's in love with her more now was the last straw for me. I had to put my foot down and say it's either her or me and I don't give a crap with any excuse he wants to give me because how can you say you're in love with somebody else when you said you're in love with me?? By the way, his best friend lives in San Francisco. They met online and she would visit him once a weekend every month when they were dating. Anyways, he said he knows he had to take the ultimatum and I told him which is it? He said he will stop talking to her. So he did. So far, I haven't heard anything of her since then. I'm also living with him for now because he's closer to my school than where I live. I made him delete any pictures he had with her except some certain events he had. I mean I do not like to be the type of person to check her bf's phone or AIM msges, email, myspace, or facebook. But I had to do it because I lost his trust. I haven't been checking it like crazy like I had before.

But what I'm feeling right now is even though he's not talking to her anymore, I still feel upset. I feel like I can compete with the history he has with her. Even though she's not around anymore, I feel like he's thinking about her in his mind. He had told me he will always going to love her and it hurts because I feel like I'm nothing to him. I've seen the things he has done for her and he never did anything like that to me. I have seen him add pictures of him and her and he actually took pictures with her. When it's with me, he doesn't really like to take picture or upload any pictures of us on anything. I had to make him do it but when he's with her, he does it quickly. Most of the guys I've dated loved have a couple picture and post it everywhere or even had a picture frame of us and I felt loved ya know? When I look at his photo album on his computer, he made a storybook of how him and his ex/best friend were cute together and he never did anything like that for me. We've been together for about a year and I have not see anything change. I never ask him to buy me anything to do much for me except the littlest thing and he can't even do it. I mean sometimes during special occasion, I want to make something of us and I don't even have enough pictures to use because we don't have that much pictures together. I love to take pictures and my ex and I of 3 years took about 1,000 pictures in half a year. It felt so awkward in this relationship. He's the total opposite of me. We both listen to different type of music. The only thing that we're both like is graphic design since that's what we're both majoring for and that's how we met... through school. I mean what really keep us together because I love his sense of humor and does show me love when we cuddle and stuff. But it's just so hard to know our relationship is not that strong as it is with him and his ex/best friend. They've only been together for a year and a half but it was his first love. He did have another gf after that relationship of 3 years but he hates her so there were no problem there even though she text him once in awhile but she also have a bf. She cheated on him with the bf she's with now. I don't know if he's afraid to show me love because of what she did to him and he goes to his comfort zone of his first ex? I don't know. I feel like I have the nasty leftovers and he just couldn't get over it. I need somebody to love me, be there for me, give me what I want, and just give me some TLC. My ex and I had an abusive relationship so you don't think I'm scared to be in another serious relationship after the stuff me and him went through? It took me a year to get back on my feet and back in the dating scene. He had a year as well but I guess he's not as strong as I am. And also since his ex cheated on him, the first ex was the only person he can go too before he met me. I mean is it really that bad or scary to take a lot of pictures with me? It sucks having like a couple pictures over the years and it sucks that I constantly have to tell him, let's take a picture together. He always moans and groans saying he doesn't like to take pictures but yet, he took a lot of pictures with his first ex. I don't get it?

The reason why I'm posting this is I just want to know I'm not alone at there and that there are people that going through what I'm going through. The things he has done the past year... he might as well cheat on me. For him to say he's in love with somebody else hurts so much because he said the same thing to me. I think that's why I'm afraid to say I love you back. He's always the one saying it. He says I love you like 20+ times a day. And I don't even say it back to him none of those times. I have before until I saw what he wrote to her in November. Please someone help me realize something because I am too blinded by love.

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