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this is very long. i am venting here, for myself. i needed to type and i want others to be able to read about my experience. i am not playing the victim, i am just speaking of my experience, and how it has made me feel.


I am having a hard time focusing right now. Randomly I think about him and im not really sure why. I haven’t been able to focus on my bio II class. I try to study and I am reading the information but its like it goes in one ear, and out the other. I want to remember all of the crazy things he did.. so im going to list them from the beginning to the end, from what I can remember.
Keep in mind this is from beginning to end, so the beginning isn’t so bad, but it gets really bad as I get to the end of this.

-when I bought the coach purse, he flipped out. He made me feel like it was a sin and I cried. He made me feel so bad for buying the purse, and I CRIED. He told me that I HAD TO return the purse. For hours I was crying because I thought he was going to break up with me. He wouldn’t let me off the phone until 5 am and I was staying at a friends house. I know now that is when I handed him all control, and I even wrapped it in a box with a bow!
-he hated my best friend Stephanie because she was touching his navigation one day when I had his car... but really I think it just pissed him off because he just didn’t know how to use it. I think the real reason he didn’t like her is because she was able to see through him. She knew what kind of guy he was. Which is why she stayed by my side the whole time. Always checking up on me.
-he came home late, all the time. All hours of the night, and expected me to be okay with it. He would come home from a club, 3 am during the week on a Tuesday night and expect me to cook for him while I had to wake up at 7 the next morning... Then he got mad when I got frustrated. If I would have come home at 3, even on a Saturday, it would not be acceptable. No way no how.
-first time I had Stephanie over while he was still working in Alaska, she brought her boyfriend, I even let him know before she came over that she was coming over. He wasn’t happy about it, but hes in Alaska and shes my friend, what is he going to do? It was my apartment anyways! When he found out that she brought her boyfriend he told me they had to leave. Well I told him no, I wasn’t telling her to leave. He got angry and kept blowing up my phone. So I told him to stop and started to ignore him. I put my phone on silent. I don’t ever get to see her, so I was going to enjoy my time with her. Just because he didn’t get his way, he threw a fit. When I finally answered the phone he broke up with me. I still had to pick him up the next day, I had his car. He wanted nothing to do with me, he made me feel like what I did was the worse thing ever and how he would never do that to me. I ended up crying, and begging him to give me another chance.
-one day I went to eat with Valerie, we were trying to have a girls day.. only didn’t turn out very fun because I had my phone glued to my ear. If he wasn’t texting me, he was calling me. I couldn’t get off the phone with him because he was upset about whatever it was, no idea, probably because I wasn’t sitting at home. He was in a better mood when I was on the way home. So that ruined the day.
-first time he hit me, I don’t remember it. He said that I started just kicking him in the face. I mean.. come on. I have never done that before, why would I start. Im not even a violent person. I am a lover, not a fighter! I was drunk, yes. Out of my mind drunk, yet it doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t remember how or why it happened, I just remember waking up in the hotel with him on his knees next to me… crying, holding ice to my face. I didn’t even know what happen! That’s when he told me I was kicking him and he just had a reaction, twice. One blow to each side of the face. Ended up with a black eye, and a busted jaw line.
-one night, out of the many nights he was out till dawn, he didn’t come home at all, didn’t call like he promised.. didn’t answer my calls either. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, thought to myself “he’ll be home first thing in the morning” turns out, and I didn’t find this out until after we broke up, he was out doing meth with his ex girlfriend- he rented a hotel just so they could have sex. She even texted me from his phone that night “Danita will take good care of him tonight”, so I knew the next morning they had been together. You already know I was having a freakout attack. Although, like I said I didn’t find that out until about 7 months later when we broke up.
-another night I hung out with Stephanie, I had to promise him that I was going to prove everything would be okay. Just to trust me. Well, as soon as 6 pm rolled around he started calling me, and I guess I didn’t want to talk to him because I wasn’t answering. He then started texting & leaving me voicemails, asking me to please go home. I was having fun.. and I didn’t feel like dealing with this crap. I assume that’s why I wasn’t answering his calls. Well my mistake was I let Stephanie answer the phone one time, and she started telling him what a piece of doodoo he was for giving me a black eye, he then admits out of anger “well tell her that I f****ed Danita” – which is his ex. I knew he was telling me the truth, but once he realized what he did, he begged, and begged and begged for me to just go home so we could talk, and that he just said it to get my attention. Well I told him I would, but I didn’t. The next day he was coming back into town, and again, I was begging him to give me another chance.
-one time I did come home late on a Saturday. He was with his friends, I went out with mine, well he said he wasn’t coming home. So I was going to make it a late night with the girls. He changes his mind, he calls me, asks where I am and says that I better get home before he does. Well I wasn’t driving. As he gets closer to the apartment, he starts calling me more, and I know hes getting angry… so I tell my friend that we have to meet him. Which was dumb, but I know that if I didn’t go with him I would pay for it later. So we meet, and before I get out of my friends car, hes in her window, demanding my phone. “give me your phone!” I told him to get off my friend and I would give him my phone. So I give him my phone yet I still sit in the car, so then he says “baby please get into my car, I wont be mad at you if you just get in my car” soo I get into his backseat. I thought it would keep me from another blow to the face. As soon as we drive off, he is cussing me out, going through my phone and calling a girlfriend, asking her 100 questions. I reach to grab my phone… smack. Another blow to the face. This time it busted my lip, blood was everywhere. Then he looks at me like it was my fault. My fault? He didn’t apologize until that night, when he calmed down, once we were laying in bed.
-the 3rd time he put his hands on me, we went out to eat, had a few drinks then came back home for a little while. An old friend from high school, Stephen called me. After my ex finished talking crap to him, he slammed me into the FLOOR by my neck and started to choke me. Wow huh? As soon as he lets go I get up, I’m of course freaking out, he then forcefully throws me on my bed and tells me to shut up. Then, I start explaining myself, “hes just a friend, hes just a friend please don’t be mad I didn’t do anything wrong” and I wonder, now how did I get so turned around? Why am I not kicking him out of my life? that night he left me with rings of bruises around my neck, and on my arms from throwing me around.
-after being gone for the weekend, he comes home, obvious that he had been doing meth the whole weekend, I could tell.. long story short, his temper was wack. By the end of the night, he ended up walking back to the apartment because he didn’t want to get in the truck with his mom & i.. he kept yelling “leave me the f*** alone, leave me alone” so I said ok, and left him. Went back home. The moment he walks in there, I can tell he is pissed. I mean furious that I didn’t come pick him up. Well you know, everytime he tells me to leave him alone, and I don’t, I get a blow to my face.. so this time I left him alone! Anyways, he ends up breaking my beautiful glass top table that was a gift from my grama, a glass vase, shattering my phone in the wall, pulling the door handle off the fridge and punching a hole into the wall. Wow. So that night, I took my key back. I told him he was psycho and that I wanted him out of my life. Then 2 days later, what did I do? After things were okay for a few days, I give him the key back.
-when I wouldn’t answer my cell at work, he would threaten to kill my cats. He would continue to call my phone. When I came home late, he would accuse me of messing with one of the attorney’s after hours.
-one day he came home from being gone a few days, and I was angry. First thing he does is shower. He always had his phone with him, he never left it anywhere around the house. Well he went off in the bathroom, and I picked it up, and he snatched it from me. It was Danita. Remember, I don’t even know that he cheated on me yet, and he probably continued a number of times, and hes still texting her when he gets home. Well she was talking crap about me, and he doesn’t even defend me. Matter of fact he deletes the messages and he lies about what they said.

nobody ever knew what he was like, they always thought we were happy and that he loved me. that we were perfect, and how we would always be together. when he was happy, I was happy.
Not only did he look at me like it was always my fault, he told me the reason he hit me, or pushed me, WAS my fault. That i made him so angry and that if i didnt make him angry he wouldnt lash out at me like that. i was never allow to be angry. when i was upset, i had to just get over it on my own. he didnt have the patience half the time to "deal with me".
This is long enough. I could probably write 5 more pages on what ive been through. But I wont. I just know, that I was always worried about him being happy, why didn’t I care about myself? By all means, I was not the perfect girlfriend, I did lie a few times, but I never cheated. I never did drugs behind his back. I always forgave him when I felt like he was being remorseful. I trusted him. Never went through his phone, never asked him questions… maybe every once in a while but it was nothing compared to the way he hounded me. I was so caught up in trying to be perfect for him, I lost myself.
When I got sick of it, got fed up with his behavior… it took a year to really see who he was… I finally left. We broke up 4 months ago, and even though he as put me through all of this, I still feel like I love him. Why? Because I did, although he didn’t love me, I would have done anything and everything for the douchebag. He is a bad bad man, and I have to keep reminding myself that. It tears me inside to know hes already in another serious relationship, started dating a week after we broke up.. and I keep thinking that he treats her like a queen. I feel like why couldn’t I be treated that way? But I remember now, that the real side of him didn’t come out until a 4 months.. and I didn’t even SEE it until after a year. Although its still so painful.. I feel better talking about this.. and reminding myself of what a horrible man he was, and will always be.
I guess i kinda feel like he ruined it for other guys in my future. I am not interested in dating, and i know i wont be for a while, but i still feel like there has been a lot of damage done. There is a lot i didnt even mention, i mean it would be a novel by the time i finished if i actually did. I know i should get counseling, i just dont know. I dont want to counsel, honestly. There has to be another way to recover from this damage.

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