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Relationship Health Message Board


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Me and my wife have been married for almost 4 years but only living together for the past year only due to my military obligations and changing households.
Shortly before my wife moved to be with me over a year ago she met another man who changed everything. The day after christmas she told me she had a crush on this man and assured me that it was only a crush and not an affair. When I went to see her she couldn't kiss me. Her hands were lifeless and said several awful things like, "My heart doesn't belong to you 100% anymore" and "I want to date". After a long struggle she did eventually move to be with me.
Our one year living together has been a long battle and it's been hard for me to cope with the lies and what led up to her revealing to me and what i found out on my own. The person who I was then and the person I am now I believe are completely different. There exists no longer a patient, loving and attentive husband but only a husband who thinks who got married way too early and to the wrong person. The "affair" caused me to really examine the reasons behind why we got married in the first place and while this honestly is a long time coming, I believe it's the only way to get past this animosity.
I believe that if she told me she had feelings for another man today I would send her on her way and let someone else take care of all her problems instead of me losing my time and money into a house that's costed me everything from my deployment money and forces me to work 40 hours a week in factory overnight while I try to finish my degree (with a year lost to emotional trauma).
I simply cannot forgive her and insists that there was nothing between the two of them but right now I believe that even if that was the case, then who I cannot forgive is the fragile, emotional broken me who cried in despair as he saw a 5 year relationship head down the tubes because he wasn't cool enough or good enough to hold onto his marriage.
I don't even want to start a family anymore. I'm terrified to get her pregnant so we don't have sex anymore. I think children would be a permanent bullet to a dream of a fulfilling life. The obligation of a mortgage is bad enough.
I would like to have some time alone to sort out my feelings but a separation is not an option. She quit her job and moved to be with me. In any case I don't think it would change anything. I realize that I enjoy my freedom more than anything else and the sacrifices made have only poisoned our relationship.
When I see her cry I would want to tell her "it's ok and we can work this out" but when I am alone I feel nothing for her. I hate myself for not letting her go when the time was appropriate but I don't see things getting any better soon. She says she will make me pay/seek reparations for everything she gave up to be here and perhaps that is my punishment for not being honest with myself since day one and not being emotionally strong enough to leave a bad relationship sooner. I don't really hate her but I despise being married. I'm not seeing anyone else. We've been to couple's and individual counseling and I'm not going to start that again.

So, in addition to anyone's thoughts. Is it a good idea to stay apart during the divorce? and Anything from anyone who realized they got married too young or feel they have changed over years of being married and anyone trying to recover from betrayal (and yes I feel betrayed whether the affair was physical or emotional).





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