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My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years and we live together. We have a great relationship, but something recently came up that started me thinking. We are a young couple 26 and 28, so our social life should be a big part of our lives.

Anyway, he NEVER likes to do anything with other people, and I mean NEVER. It could be something from going to a movie or dinner with another couple, going bowling, going out with some friends, having friends over, etc. He just absolutely does not like to do anything with anyone else. He always says he likes his life and he wants to be alone and do his own thing. Now, he's not shy, he actually works with people. So it's not like he doesn't like people or isn't a people person. He just doesn't have any desire whatsoever to have friends.

He moved to the city we currently live in shortly before we met. In his old city, he had a lot of friends, and he's still friends with them, though rarely sees them because of a 5 hour distance. So, it's not like he doesn't know how to have friends.

So, here's my issue. I'm a pretty homebody as well. I enjoy spending time with him and my family, and I really don't have a strong desire to have a big group of friends or go out often. But, I do like to go out with friends sometimes and have fun with a friend or two, or even a big group.

I lived in FL for several years, and a friend of mine who is from Australia (who was living in FL at the time), told me she and another friend are going to be making a trip to FL in May and told me I should meet them out there. I still have friends in FL as well, so I was very excited about the thought. I mentioned it to my bf and he gave me the typical answer of "yeah, we'll see". I know he was NOT thrilled about the idea of going out there with my friends. So, I kinda of scrapped that idea for now (for money reason more than anything).

So, then we were talking about going to Vegas. I've never been and my bf and I have talked about going for over a year. A friend of mine recently mentioned that we should all go together, so basically, it would be my boyfriend and I and 2 other couples. I thought that sounded like a blast and we'd have so much fun. I mentioned that to my boyfriend, and he told me he wanted just us two to go (no friends). Ugh, fine, whatever. Then I reminded him that I have a friend in Vegas who I haven't seen in years, and how we'd definitely have to set aside a night to go out/see her. His response was something like "I think it should just be us and we should forget about any friends". I got mad that he said that and told him no way was I going out there without seeing my friend! That's just not right!

So anyway, I'm very frustrated! I just don't get it! I've never met anyone that is SO anti-social before. So I guess my question is this; is there anything I can do about this situation? I don't want the obvious answers like "you just have to deal with it or find someone else" or "go by yourself or with your friends". I know those answers already. I want to go to Vegas with my bf (we were talking about going for my b-day), but I would have loved to go with a group of friends. It's just frustrating that he never wants to do anything with anyone else (and for the record, no, he's not controlling or trying to isolate me, I do my own thing whenever I want, he just chooses not to join me).

Sorry for the long rant, but I just had to get it out!
[QUOTE=Mary83;3906171] I don't want the obvious answers like "you just have to deal with it or find someone else" or "go by yourself or with your friends". I know those answers already. I want to go to Vegas with my bf (we were talking about going for my b-day), but I would have loved to go with a group of friends. [/QUOTE]

Welllllll, the thing is, you're likely not going to be able to change his mind. So your options are thus:
1) Go to Vegas with your BF only and don't have anything to do with anyone
2) Go to Vegas with your friends only and leave the BF at home
3) Go with your bf alone sometime and go with your friends another time and leave him at home

I really don't see any other options here because it looks like he just won't budge. So your options are totally limited here.
Yup, Tivo, you are absolutely right. It's just one of those things that the only option is "deal with it" lol. I realized that when I wrote it, but I guess I just needed to vent. I know there is no miracle answer, and it will be a compromise either way... either I go with friends and not my bf... or I go with my boyfriend and not friends...
What concerns me is that he chooses not to join you, in events that are obviously important to you. As you mentioned, it is not like you want him to drag you around town every weekend-these are special opportunities for you to maintain old friendships, visit friends, etc.

It not as if you wouldn't love for him to join you, and enjoy yourselves together. And as you mentioned, he is not phobic, or socially paralyzed. It sounds as if he chooses not to make any effort, to make you happy. It also seems to create a power-trip for him, as you are left to beg and cajole him to go, even though you know the answer will be no. Even if he were to agree to go somewhere with you and your friends, you know it would be uncomfortable and stressful dragging him along against his will.

We all wear out eventually, and end up in the rocking chair...just don't miss anything until that day comes. Remember he is getting just what he wants..nothing! You are missing out on what you want-something!

Life is too short to waste, trying to convince another to live it. Once you get yourself out there, you will find all kinds of people who are choosing to live it too... and they are fun!
The last thing you must do is to give up your friends and seeing them. Go by yourself, leave the BF at home. If you are having enough fun and he is missing you, then he may decide to come out of his shell. You are still a relatively new couple in terms of a life together, so you have plenty of time to winkle him out. There are many couples like this, and it is more often the man who likes to stick at home. Don't let him stop you from having your mates over to your house either. He can stay in his room and look really antisocial, go out, or join you. Be assertive here, it is your home too and you have a right to have guests. It is not like you are asking for a social whirlwind here, so just have fun with your friends when you wish to. Sera.
[QUOTE=writeleft;3906241]What concerns me is that he chooses not to join you, in events that are obviously important to you. As you mentioned, it is not like you want him to drag you around town every weekend-these are special opportunities for you to maintain old friendships, visit friends, etc.

It not as if you wouldn't love for him to join you, and enjoy yourselves together. And as you mentioned, he is not phobic, or socially paralyzed. It sounds as if he chooses not to make any effort, to make you happy. It also seems to create a power-trip for him, as you are left to beg and cajole him to go, even though you know the answer will be no. Even if he were to agree to go somewhere with you and your friends, you know it would be uncomfortable and stressful dragging him along against his will.

We all wear out eventually, and end up in the rocking chair...just don't miss anything until that day comes. Remember he is getting just what he wants..nothing! You are missing out on what you want-something!

Life is too short to waste, trying to convince another to live it. Once you get yourself out there, you will find all kinds of people who are choosing to live it too... and they are fun![/QUOTE]

You are correct in some of your observations. If something is really important to me, he does join me. He goes with me to my mom's house (we're really close) when we do things like have BBQ's or Holidays and stuff like that. I know he gets bored because my mom and I talk a lot, but he sucks it up and comes and participates (I know family time is not fun for a lot of men, not just my boyfriend, lol). And he's a great sport about that, he doesn't complain or anything. But, when it comes to friends, it's a different story. The thing is, if it was something important to me, he would come. But if I'm just going out with a few friends and I don't care if he comes, I'll quickly invite him to be polite, but I know he won't want to come. So I do live my life just the way I want it. The only thing that bothers me is that I wish he would join me sometimes, but that may never change.

Last week I made plans to go out with an old friend of mine. We thought we had a big group of people together, but by the time I got there to meet her, it was just her and her boyfriend. I called my boyfriend and pleaded with him to come out as it was uncomfortable and I was the third wheel. I explained it was just my friend and her boyfriend and we were gonna have a really laid back night (we were out at a bar/restaurant). He agreed to come, but showed up mad. I asked if he was okay and he told me he was mad I made him come because I knew he didn't want to. I apologized and told him that if he really didn't want to come, he could have told me no. He was mostly upset because we were at a bar, and that's REALLY not his thing, which I know and completely understand that part.

So, it's kind of a double edged sword. I want him to be more social, but at the same time, I don't want him to give in to me just to make me happy and him be miserable. I wish there was some sort of compromise, but it seems for some situations, there just isn't. Its either I give up having him there, or he comes when he doesn't want to and isn't happy.

I know this is already long, but I want to add one more thing. Another reason this whole thing bothers me is because he seems like a completely different person to me than he was in his old city. As I said in my first post, he used to have a lot of friends out there. Granted, he was in college, but still. He used to go out, go to parties, hang out with friends, etc. He was a "normal" guy. Even when he goes out to visit them he goes out with them bowling, restaurants, bars, etc. But he won't do it with me. He says he does it because they are his old friends and he doesn't see them often and wants to have a good time, which I understand. But it hurts my feelings that he's NEVER been like that with me. We've been together 2 years and I've not once seen him drunk, or even close. He says he's "grown up" now and out of that lifestyle. He also said that lifestyle was never "him", but that's what his friends did, so that's what he did. I completely appreciate that he's a mature adult; I want a relationship with an adult, not a college party guy. But I guess it just offends me that he will do and did do stuff with his friends before he moved here, and now that he moved here he's like a completely different person. I'm by NO means a party animal, but I am young and still like to have fun once in a while.
well you're not gonna like this observation, but maybe he's just not the guy for you?
The thing is... I am COMPLETELY a homebody too. I go out maybe once every 6 months. And I don't expect my boyfriend to go out with me the few times I have gone out with my girlfriends. But, I just wish he would want to do anything with other people. Not "partying", but going bowling, going to dinner or movies with friends, going to a play, anything. I don't like to party either, and I completely appreciate and love that my boyfriend doesn't.

And to answer your question Mileena, I know my boyfriend won't change. And yes, I would and will stay with him regardless. This isn't an issue we have on a regular basis, I usually don't mind if he just wants to stay home. The big issue that brought this up was the vegas trip and him not wanting to see my friend who lives there for even one night. I guess I was just kind of offended by that. I haven't seen her in YEARS and he sounded mad when I told him we have to see my friend when we go out there. I guess I just didn't see it from perspective at that time and it offended and surprised me to hear his answer to that. But, whatever. If we go to Vegas and he doesn't want to see my friend, I'll go alone. If he decides to come, great. If not, oh well.

I guess I made this a much bigger deal than it needs to be. But it was one of those spur of the moment rants right after he made the comment about my friend in Vegas.
Maybe he just doesn't like any of your friends? Does he have any of his own friends? Does he ever hang out with any of his own friends?

He's just a weird guy and I don't know what his problem is, but you have to admit, it's not normal for someone to get THIS bent out of shape about hanging out with an SO's friends. You're not asking him to go ALL the time, it's not like it's every day. You're not asking for the moon, here. He should be WAY more forthcoming and compromise sometimes. The fact that he doesn't even care how much it upsets you is a huge, huge problem. And it's something that you're going to have to think about, whether you want to live this way with a weird guy who doesn't want to have anything to do with your friends. I don't know what to tell you, but it doesn't sound like he's ever going to budge on this thing.
I'm not a regular on this board, but I had to register and reply coz really...
Mary, who are you in a relationship with ? Your friends or your boyfriend ? If you want to be with your b/f then you need to sort out your priorities. For instance if you're planning a getaway together it's probably not a good idea to bring your girlfriends into the equation. A lot of people are in relationships without really being in one. Think about it when do you really spend quality time together ? In the evening when you get home from work, knackered , when you do the house chores ? On Saturdays when you spend the day shopping with your girlfriends? on sundays when you're at your mum's talking to her all day ? And when you're are together how much time do you spend on the phone talking to mum/sisters/friends ?
Back to your particular issue, it seems everytime youse two speak about going away you always have to bring in your mates into the conversation, think about how you would feel ? Of course he don't like it. Now that don't mean you should never see your mates, but you have to compromise, make sure you make time for you and him (turn off your mobile if you have to, don't mention your friends every 5 seconds....) so that you can do things together, and then set aside some times when you can do your thing with your mates but within reason.

One more thing it's understandable him not wanting to meet your
friends, I mean you do know how it is when girls get together, no man would feel comfortable in that situation, he knows he would be left behind while you guys talk (loudly) on and on about things and people he knows nothing about, plus what do you expect ? He and your girlfriends to become best mates or something ? not gonna happen,
and if it did well I don't think you'd be best pleased would you ?

So one more time, think about who you really wanna be with, coz if
you don't put him first, he'll not stop with you for very long. You're not 15 anymore a couple is couple not just some fun after class.
I know all the girls on here will tell you that you're in the right and he's wrong but that's what girls say in every situation when another girl asks for relationship advice, unfortunately it don't mean it's good advice, it's merely biased advice that will bring you much heartache.
Hope this helps.
[QUOTE=ewing 3;3930454]I'm not a regular on this board, but I had to register and reply coz really...
Mary, who are you in a relationship with ? Your friends or your boyfriend ? If you want to be with your b/f then you need to sort out your priorities. For instance if you're planning a getaway together it's probably not a good idea to bring your girlfriends into the equation. A lot of people are in relationships without really being in one. Think about it when do you really spend quality time together ? In the evening when you get home from work, knackered , when you do the house chores ? On Saturdays when you spend the day shopping with your girlfriends? on sundays when you're at your mum's talking to her all day ? And when you're are together how much time do you spend on the phone talking to mum/sisters/friends ?
Back to your particular issue, it seems everytime youse two speak about going away you always have to bring in your mates into the conversation, think about how you would feel ? Of course he don't like it. Now that don't mean you should never see your mates, but you have to compromise, make sure you make time for you and him (turn off your mobile if you have to, don't mention your friends every 5 seconds....) so that you can do things together, and then set aside some times when you can do your thing with your mates but within reason.

One more thing it's understandable him not wanting to meet your
friends, I mean you do know how it is when girls get together, no man would feel comfortable in that situation, he knows he would be left behind while you guys talk (loudly) on and on about things and people he knows nothing about, plus what do you expect ? He and your girlfriends to become best mates or something ? not gonna happen,
and if it did well I don't think you'd be best pleased would you ?

So one more time, think about who you really wanna be with, coz if
you don't put him first, he'll not stop with you for very long. You're not 15 anymore a couple is couple not just some fun after class.
I know all the girls on here will tell you that you're in the right and he's wrong but that's what girls say in every situation when another girl asks for relationship advice, unfortunately it don't mean it's good advice, it's merely biased advice that will bring you much heartache.
Hope this helps.[/QUOTE]


Thanks for your reply, but I feel the need to correct a few points because it looks like you misunderstood completely. I spend pretty much ALL of my time with my boyfriend. I have a few friends, but most of my friends don't even live here. I spend one day a week or so with my mom, and my boyfriend enjoys that time because he gets to have "me" time by himself where he can play on his computer or play video games or whatever "guy stuff" he wants to do. Other than that, I almost never see my friends. My boyfriend and I spend all the time together we want, and we are each other's number one priorities. So although I am a very social person, I prefer to spend most of my time with my boyfriend. I volunteer and yes, I do have an outside life, but I probably go out with my friends once every month or two, usually less.
So it's not an issue of me being immature and wanting to spend all my time with my friends. Quite the opposite. Both my boyfriend and I are homebodies and prefer to spend quiet evenings at home with each other.
The issue with going on vacation with my friends is that was the REASON for going on vacation. I lived in Florida before, and so when my friends who live across the world in Australia informed me they were going to be in FL, I wanted to plan a trip out there specifically to see them. I have no other reason to go to FL.
The Vegas idea wasn't as big of a deal. He and I have decided to go alone. I just thought Vegas is such a party place that it would be fun to go with a group. And our group of friends were 2 other couples, so it wouldn't be all girls. It would have been 3 girls and 3 guys, so he by no means would have been left out and forced to deal with "girl talk" all weekend. But, if we were going anywhere else other than Vegas, I wouldn't want to go with friends, I would want to go with my boyfriend alone. The only issue is that I have a friend who lives in Vegas that I haven't seen in like 10 years, so yes, I do want to see her while I'm out there. I don't think that's being unreasonable at all.
The other issue is that my boyfriend NEVER wants to go out. Like, NEVER. But, that seems to be changing... we are friends with another married couple and they asked us to go out last weekend. We were busy, but agreed to go out with them this weekend, and my boyfriend agreed as well. So we're going out with them to dinner, bowling, something like that. So, he is putting forth some effort to get out once in a while. I'm happy he'll go out and have fun this weekend, and that's all I'm hoping for and asking of him.

Anyway, sorry for the long response. I just see that you had the completely wrong idea, so I wanted to clarify the situation.
[QUOTE=duluthdonna;3937234]Hm...
Well to be honest I just don't see how you will be able to stay together with this guy. You will either break up over it eventually, or he will drag you along into becoming quite anti social yourself.[/QUOTE]


Actually, just last night, we went out with friends (another couple). We went to dinner, then to a game place and went to their house after to have a few drinks and hang out/play games, etc. We had a great time and he enjoyed himself. As we left, he was talking about getting together with them again. He said he likes doing stuff like that (casual stuff), he just doesn't like to do the whole bar/club scene. He's already talking about having them over to our house sometime.

I think we're finding a compromise on the whole thing. I just want him to be social once in a while, and he seems to be willing and actually wanting to do that. His big thing is not going to bars or clubs, which is hard because we are in our mid twenties, so that's what people our age do. But, I'm not into that scene anymore either, so if I do want to go out to a bar once in a while, I'll go with my girl friends. But hopefully we can keep doing casual things with some friends so my boyfriend will enjoy it.
I've read all of the posts in this thread. It seems that you and your boyfriend are a good match. I understand your frustration with him not wanting to go to Vegas with you. My boyfriend refuses to go camping or even sleep in sleeping bags in a tent in the backyard. While going to Vegas to see a friend or sleeping outside are fun, just because he doesn't want to do it doesn't mean all bets are off on staying together. My boyfriend has things he likes to do, with or without other people, that I don't find particularly fun or interesting, or I may even find them to be gross. That doesn't mean I hate him and can't stand staying with him. Sometimes I rant about some of the things he does or refuses to do, but we still have a very happy and healthy, successful relationship. I think you and your boyfriend are just fine. There is no 100% perfect match for anyone out there. Even if there was, a Cinderella happily-ever-after relationship in which there are no disagreements or frustration would be pretty boring. I don't particularly like when what my boyfriend and I want don't line up, but if it isn't some major life decision then it's pretty easy to get over it because there are plenty of other of things like to do together. As long as you can resolve conflicts in a healthy manner and learn to accept things that you can't (and probably shouldn't try) to change about your partner, you'll do just fine in the long run.

I actually joined just to reply to this thread, sorry if it sounds a little incoherent, I'm still tired haha.
HAHA,Thanks for the reply psywumper but this is a very old thread. Turns out my now EX-boyfriend (who the post was about) were NOT a good match at all. We broke up quite a long time ago. :)





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