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Okay, yes I know, the title says it all. I have been with him for 3 years, through ending my divorce we met, when I didn't even want to be with anyone, there was instant attraction and I didn't know. We don't live together, due to alimony for 5 years being stopped, and just because I want to but 'dont know' anymore- then again it's not like he'd ever DO SOMETHING OR GET OFF HIS BUT AND JUST BE WITH ME EITHER!

He's been in long relationships, has an 'ex' wife, of 14? yrs, legally separated never finalized.
He even was talking to here weekly until I called her but up and kicked him out of my house to never return, I got sick of their crap and talking- friends??? they don't have kids-
she's engaged-waiting for HIM to pay for the divorce- which he refuses to. He told her in the past I dont like her calling alot, and she faded back, then continued back up- heck no. I get him the paperwork online to do it and file himself- I did my first divorce that way- the paperwork has sat in his living room for 5 months. She said to him once, if you saw me now you'd want me back, and she wanted us ALL to go out- together ! NOT I don't do 'exs' no I don't, and I'm not going all buddy buddy with the frikkin ex wife that doesn't stop calling here and there ,texting, and even does it behind her fiances back cuz he don't like it either. HELL NO, and now that's come to a stop due to me calling her but up and throwing him out of my living room one night livid.

I am post op from a 2nd back surgery- one week ago. We talk how hard it is for him to drive every day to visit me, I have 2 kids, my daughter I have full custody of (divorced at 19 when she was one, he had an affair-he was 29).

UGK GOD I can't take it. I adore him when he's here. Hes now 50, I am 35. He's really stepped upto the plate when I got hurt, driving everywhere, picking up my son from daycare for me every day after he gets out of work as I can't drive, and he cooked dinner for months on end until I could walk again.

He says he never wants to get married. He was engaged one onther time, about 3 yrs before we met to a chick he dated with 3 kids, she supposedly cheated on him so they broke up- they had a house together too. Funny he saw her at a memorial service of a mutual friend, and I had to sit at the dinner table with everyone (8 person sitting), and they talked and talked, idiot doesn't even introduce me. He does that often, like I don't exist when other women talk to him. He says they were engaged because SHE wanted to be. He smiled and was nice as frikkin pie to her the whole night- what the heck- she was such a cheating dog and now he kissed but????

Hell, if I want to be engaged- which I had hoped he'd have it in him to discuss, ask, or even attempt- but alas- that's just another thing thats too much effort when it comes to things that don't HAVETO BE DONE, so it'll never be. I'd get engaged, but, in another breath, want a long engagement, I want to know he'd commit I guess, I dont know. I don't even know if it's worth it anymore.

He's overly jealous, and overbearing sometimes too, but I'm usedto that now, kinda like Archie Bunker with Edith.

His moms a sweetheart, she's 80 and a fireball, if I say he did something in passing as a joke, he hears about it later from her and BOY DOES HE LISTEN TO MOM.

I just don't know. He says we'll be together someday, and wishes I could live THERE WITH HIM-omg, I mean she's 80, a little lady, petite and cute and sweet, I'd hate for her to be alone now myself- but I dont know if that's all its cracked up to be. I dont even think he foots the whole bill there, I dont know, we don't discuss finanaces and whatnot.

Maybe I'm just venting, or looking for an outsider to read this and post me that I'm an idiot.
I just don't know.

Sex has it's moments, I mean, sexual dysfunction sometimes, hard for me to comprehend, he says its his blood pressure pills and never that it's me. But I always feel that its that he just donesn't want me, and he refuses to tell the doc to get viagra, yet ANOTHER thing pushed under the rug. I am a jackrabbit- anytime anywhere lets go honey! and he's laid back, and probably could go a few months with one time a month I SWEAR- what man doesn't want sex endlessly?? What the heck? Strip teases, lingerie- nothing I do gets him away from the stupid TV. It's ridiculous at times.

AM I JUST WASTING AWAY MY LIFE? We laugh, we hardly fight, and when I do get really p.o'd he caves or tries to understand until we don't fight. I don't know anymore. There's alot I just dont 'get'.





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