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Last week, my girlfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me. We started it as a long distance thing, seeing each other every two weeks for a weekend at a time. We wanted nothing more but to be able to spend more and more time together and thankfully, once she had finished with school, we could do that. During this time, i had started a course at a local college (UK college) and had enjoyed it for a short time but really started to dislike it more and more. I think i pushed myself and felt pressured by my parents into starting this, without really having the time i needed to think about what i really wanted to do.

Whilst the relationship was long distance, we spent hours and hours on the phone to each other and regretebly, she sacrificed opportunities to do things she would enjoy in order to visit me and in order to save money for our future. In hindsight i wish i had seen this more clearly, but i can't do anything about that now. I also realise that during this time, there was nothing that i really got excited about doing, except for seeing her and going on holiday with her.

Last summer, i went to live at her mother's house, with the hope of getting a job and living out a bit of a life with her for the year, before she started university. The plan was to move in together in our own place in the city where she would attend university. We had spoken about this for a long time and i'd even helped her pick her university (which is another sacrifice she made for us, but says she doesn't regret as such). I had a job for about 2 months of the time that i stayed at her house, but i couldn't keep it as the hours were wrong for transport reasons and it felt like we couldn't spend enough time together because of it. After that, i struggled to look for a job with more suitable hours and in the end suggested that we move to my parents' house; this had been the plan in fact, just before summer, until she decided that she couldn't leave her family at the time. I had the option to work at home for my father open to me and i thought it might be easier for us to find work where i lived.

Whilst here, she managed to get herself a job which was to start on 23rd march, whereas i could not find anything for which i was suitable. My sister shouted at me at one point for putting too much on my parents and not making enough of myself, and from then on i decided that i would study bookkeeping at home, on a quick course, so that i would be in a position to earn some money and support my girlfriend through university. I also started to wake up and get out of bed early, because i had a habit of sleeping in too late and felt that i should break it.

Anyway, just on the day that i started the study for this course and was making great progress, which i was happy about, i got a phone call from my girlfriend. She had gone home to spend some time with her family before her job was to start. She said that she would come home early because she wasn't happy, so i said ok, but pushed more out of her. In the end she said that she wanted to come home to me so she could break up with me. I was so shocked and to be honest, i still feel like i am at times. Her reason was that she wanted us to become our own people and to do the things we wanted to do.

Naturally, i was an emotional wreck and i couldn't really believe that it was happening. She said that she felt like there was too much to worry about and that she wanted to go to university worry-free and be able to live out her life how she wanted to. I started to accept this, as i love her and i really do respect her for standing up for what she believes here. I could see just by looking at her FB page and stuff that she was happy by herself and that i should just support this and perhaps, in her words, 'we can consider this a postponement of our relationship'.

I was just coming to terms with this and being very rational about it at times (though emotional every morning), but then she dropped another bit of news on me. A friend of ours, primarily hers, whom we met through an MMORPG, had, when she had spoken about her doubts, expressed feelings for her. As it happens, she had feelings for him too, but had tried to suppress them for a while. We had even gone to visit him in Holland for a few days, about a month ago, apparently she thought this might help her to dismiss the feelings, if she met him face to face. Now, i believe them both when they say that nothing happened between them while we were together and that they would not have done anything together, but to me it still feels like a betrayal. They make me feel bad for thinking like that, but in my eyes, they had feelings for each other and continued to talk, never said anything to me about it and, as he claims, he couldn't keep them in any longer and had to express them just as she was expressing doubts about us.

Now, on the first day in almost three years that i hadn't spoken to her, i was starting to feel proud. But then, she spoke to me. She appologised for not allowing to speak about what i'm feeling to her because what she did was selfish. But then she told me that she was planning to take a trip to holland to sort of whatever feelings there were between the two of them.

I have so many mixed emotions. Firstly, i feel like the only part of my life which was constant and i thought was a steady foundation has been taken away from me and i know that it could be my fault, because i leaned on her too much and she couldn't cope with worrying about my life too much, rather than enjoying her own. But then i can't help but feel that what's she's doing about feelings with the other guy is so unfair to me and hypocritical. She says that he's 'the real deal' in that he lives on his own, can support himself with a job and takes interest in other things. I can't help but get so upset about this because it makes me feel so worthless, even more so than i new i was.

I've been disappointing people for years, always failing or not finishing things that i do. But i've found that this is because i have no ambition and i have such a view as to say 'what's the point?' of most things. I really hate myself for this, because i can't think of finding long term enjoyment in anything i do, apart from when i was spending time with her.

I just find it so hard to see her apparently through with all emotion for me and moving on, potentially, to another guy so soon, after three years of such love and adoriation with me. It makes me feel like he is so much better than me...and there's not much to him, so what can that say about me?

I have people around me, not really friends that i've kept particularly close to, but a fair bit of family. I just feel so alone and abandoned by somebody who claims to have loved me one minute and to have lost all feelings for me the next.

I'm sorry this is such a long post, and i don't know if it's really of any interest to anyone. I just thought i'd give all this information so that you could understand the situation. I may have missed things though.





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