It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....

Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

I really love my boyfriend of 5 years and he is amazing in so many ways but lately he makes me feel unimportant and well... bad about myself.

For the first few years of our relationship he didn't really have much of an outside social life. We spent a good majority of our free time together. Recently he has made a few friends at work, which I encourage but I feel like I am taking the back seat.

1. I went to a baby shower with a friend on Saturday. The shower was in another city about a 30/40 minute drive. My friend said she would drive up there but had plans to stay the night. I didn't want to spend the night so I asked my boyfriend on Thursday if he could come & pick me up. He agreed. On Friday he told me he had made plans with friends for Saturday so I told him to forget about picking me up as not to interfere with his plans. He told me it was okay, and that he would still be able to come get me. I went on Sat as planned & called him a few hours before he was supposed to come get me, he was out w/friends & asked if I still needed him to pick me up. I told him that I would prefer if he did, as he had agreed to it (I hadn't packed for overnight) BUT if he really didn't want to that I could just stay the night. He says he doesn't want to but that he will. He than calls me an hour later and is complaining about having to come get me and says that he can't come until 11pm - WAY later than we had talked about. He says that he's busy doing something with a friend (playing pool btw). I am a little agitated by this and tell him to "forget it" he than accuses me of being jealous that he's with his friends/having fun and starts going on about how he always has to drop his plans for me etc. I tell him that I don't want to fight, that I love him & will call him tomorrow. He calls me back and he tells me he will leave now to come get me but he is clearly pissed off and he is yelling about how selfish I am and called me a "spoiled, self-centered brat". I ended up hanging up on him, turning my phone off and spending the night. I didn't get back until late tonight and had my phone turned off all night. When I got in I turned it on to see that he had written me at least 10 text messages along the lines of "I'm sorry, I'll come get you, pls answer your phone" etc. He calls a bunch of time tonight but I am annoyed with him & don't answer. I finally cave & answer his call and he doesn't apologize, just makes excuses for himself like "you told me on Fri not to pick you up" etc. etc. I feel like he broke a promise/obligation he had w/me for his friends.

2. A few weeks ago a friend of his invited him to a poker game at his house. He was having two games on consecutive Saturdays. My boyfriend went to the first one and later told me that he didn't enjoy the "atmosphere/company" and said that he would have much preferred to have spent his Saturday with me. As the next game approaches he tells me that he isn't going. I told him that he should go but he insists that he really didn't have fun and has no interest in going. He tells me that we'll do "something" Saturday. We didn't make any particular plans but I was clearly under the impression that him & I would hang out and that he wasn't going to go. Friday he tells me that his other friend is going and that he is going to go too. I feel that he chose something that he repeatedly told me he didn't enjoy over being with me.

3. He was supposed to move some stuff from his parents house to his new place. He had asked a friend of his to help and he agreed but later canceled. I offered to help instead, admittedly I am not going to be the most helpful when it comes to moving heavy objects but it was an offer all the same. He agrees and the day before we finished the conversation with "I'll be there tomorrow at set time to help". We even made plans to go to Ikea after and pick out a table together. I get up early call him to make sure the plans are still on, he says yes. I get ready and maybe 5 minutes before I leave he calls and tells me to forget it. His friend that previously canceled is now available and he doesn't need my help anymore. He says he is just going to drive the stuff over w/his friend (15 minute drive) and will call me when he's done. HOURS later and no call. I call him and him and his friend are having lunch, they have already gone to Ikea etc. I spent my entire day waiting for him & he blows me off. Of course he has an excuse - something along the lines of "I wouldn't have been much help anyways" - "he didnt want to bother me/lift heavy boxes" - "he said he would call me when he was DONE not in 15 minutes" etc.

What really bothers me is that I have never really met his friends. He invited me over ONCE while some of "the guys" were over but only because I had made a big deal about him never including me. When I tell him how I feel he says stuff like - "it's uncomfortable hanging out w/me and a bunch of guys" - that it's "more fun" to hang out with just guys, that I am "jealous/controlling" and that I just want to control everything and spy on him etc. This isn't true at all. I totally understand and appreciate that couples need separate social lives/interests but I also think it's normal to hangout with each others friends from time to time. He has on occasion invited me to hang out with friends but it's so forced and like he wants me to decline. I make it a point to include him in social activities with my friends. This makes me feel like he's embarrassed about me. I also hate the feeling of being second to his friends. Yes he does do a lot of nice things for me etc. but I feel like whenever it comes down to them or me, I loose. He is a young guy (24) and I realize that up until now his social life was lacking and that he needs to have fun without me but shouldn't he do this in a way that is respectful of my feelings/without breaking promises/plans etc. Is this just immaturity? Should I let it go? Am I being selfish?
Well you are not completely selfish, but you are a bit, and well a bit spoiled. However, that isn't really your fault because your boyfriend got you use to being a priority and number one in his life. Don't get me wrong I do think our partners should be a priority to us, but sometimes that is just not possible. The fact that he is 24 and didn't have much of a social life before just make him all the more eager to spend time with friends. As I see it, him hanging out with his friends isn't much of a problem, as him canceling/changing his mind about something you previously agreed on.
I often prioritize my friends over my boyfriends, simply because my friends deserved that over the years, and boyfriends come and go. However, your boyfriend basically just met those friends of his, so it's not the same. I think it's best for you both not to cling/depend on eachother and have a certain part of your life that revolves around something/someone else other than your relationship etc. Basically, him having some time with friends isn't and shouldn't be an issue, but him changing his mind about your plans is...people who do that annoy me. You are also making too much drama over nothing, which again is probably because you're not use to being his number 2.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:56 PM.

© 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!