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[QUOTE=Faithfulhubby;3942512]Thanks for your response. Well, I like the fact that my wife respects her parents. No, she isn’t the only child. She has a brother that has become estranged with the family. Her brother’s wife is disliked in my wife’s family. I don’t get involved there!
My wife at times tends to be somewhat immature and has self-esteem issues. She is such an awesome person and I would give my life for her. I am blessed to have her in my life but man, I feel “stepped on”. Her mom is a nice woman but I know she wants to confront me but is unable to do so. I wish she would. My wife and I only had one issue in our entire relationship. To make a long story short; my wife wanted to buy a business and I just wasn’t “on board” with everything. Everyone in her family was saying go, go, go! (Except her grandfather who pulled me aside and said “don’t let her do it”. At this time my dad was on the last stages of Alzheimer’s and I was having a tough time with life in general. Anyway, without my knowledge my wife was on the phone with the business owner and said that she would pay 60- 65K for the business. After hearing this (poor negotiation skills to say the least!) and doing this kind of thing without me caused me to “pop a cork”. There was a spray bottle sitting on the table and I smashed it against the floor* not at her just on the floor* (not cool, I regret doing that). Angry, I called her mom and I told her that her daughter was marrying me and not her “mommy”. Boy that sure was stupid of me doing that! I never hit my wife. I did raise my voice. But what could I do? Really! $65,000.00 is a lot of money. After I was outnumbered I agreed. In return I asked my wife to do a business plan. I bought her the software and she agreed to do it. Her mom said that “she didn’t need one” so, guess what, she didn’t. That still hurts me today.
Well my wife got the business and I do support her as any husband would. I love her and would do anything. I know that this was wrong but somehow even to today I am the bad guy. Recently my wife told me that her mom asked her if “I am treating her right”. I was crushed. I feel so confined and I am afraid to say anything. Should I even care what her mom thinks? I just want her mom to know that there is no way that I would ever harm her daughter in any was physically and/or mentally. My wife says that it will “take time” for her mom to “trust” me. But I think that day will never come; all because I wasn’t ready to commit to buying a business with all that was I was going through in my life at that point of time. Am I really the bad guy or a monster here?[/QUOTE]

I must warn you this is a very long response and I appreciate ur patience!

It is very obvious that you are not a bad person, you've made it clear that you are happy that she loves and respects her parents. But it is obvious that form of her mother's "love" is affecting ur marriage . I come from a culture (I am Lebanese) that stresses respect from all sides, in my culture in order to marry, besides loving and respecting one another, other very important criteria are he must respect my family, I must respect his family, my family -must- respect him and his family must respect me. Keep in mind, I said *respect* not like or love, even enemies can respect one another. Basically I must feel that I am being treated as a daughter (some children dont feel loved lol & some spouses just can't stand their in laws, these spouses can still be respectful without trying too hard to please the in laws or by being outright rude) by his parents nothing less and nothing more and vice versa. If you feel this has reached an unbearable point try speaking to your mother in law as a son. Tell her that your all family now and that you completely understand her fears for her daughter because you know the dedication and effort it took ur own mother to make sure her son was raised to be a good, healthy and safe man. And that she like ur own mother dedicated her life to raising her daughter, tell her to now consider you her own son and that if she feels anything is wrong it is her right to tell u so (this will shock her in a good way, what can she say to this). This approach is very respectful, it doesnt sound like your trying too hard, your taking control and facing the problem in a confident manner. If you cannot bring yourself to say something like this (out of fear of upsetting her & losing ur wife) then you really do have a problem and that problem is not ur wife or her mother. You should fear nothing if u do not have bad intentions with ur words, ur intention is to show ur mother in law that u respect her and hope that one day she can respect u, so do not fear being respectful and civilized. It is the uncivilized and disrespectful thinking that they are justified in their manners that u should question in ur mind. If in her response she says that she cannot consider you a son, tell her it's okay in time you will all grow closer as a family & that u still respect her as a mother. But I must warn you no mother in law in her right mind would have the nerve to say she couldnt consider you a son, at that point you have two options:

A: Respect her parents, stay out of ur wife's and mother's relationship (I'm not saying ur involved, but you are showing them you care too much about what they think & either ur wife or her mother have realized they can use this to manipulate you). So next time ur wife tells u her mother is asking her if your treating her right, which you know ur treating her right, ignore her statement don't speak, change the subject by kissing her on the forehead put her hand on ur heart for a few seconds, that's all nothing more or less. She will tell her mother about this, ur action of kissing her responded to her question without words.

B: If you have sisters, set up "play" dates with ur sisters and ur wife. Buy a spa package for ur sister and wife and have ur sister say that the spa package was a gift given to her by a friend at work or something and she wanted to take ur wife a long with her. This way you won't look like ur involved in this plan, the purpose of this is to involve ur wife with ur family so in time UR family will become her family -as well-, this will reduce the influence of her mom's control because unlike the other commentators on this post who I understand where they were coming from they did not want to make you feel hopeless but did not outright say it but I will, your mother in law is too controlling and too involved. If u have a married sister with kids this will plan will open ur wife's eyes to the fact that u have a family too, with sisters who know how to BALANCE being a good wife, mother, daughter and sister. Plus she can ask the married sister for advice she would normally ask her mother, it sounds like ur wife doesnt have too many female friends that are experienced in healthy marriages and is relying too much on her mom's words, if none of ur sisters are married, send ur youngest sister with her to the spa, ur wife will feel like a big sister for the first time in her life and she will genuinely feel like a needed part of ur family. If u have no sisters whatsoever, I am sure there must be a cousin out there. Do not send her with ur mom, they are not the same age, her mother will be offended, but u can have ur mother tell ur wife that she is planning a family dinner for the two families, ur family and hers because a get together is long overdue (if u have married siblings invite the -one- that is the most charismatic so that her father wont be bored since u think he dislikes u). Have ur mother and wife TOGETHER prepare the food and dessert. Make sure that ur wife has enough time to get dressed and stuff so her mother wont make her feel like the women in ur house are slaves but instead women who can balance being queens and housewives. The two mothers will clear the table ( i guarantee it), u should announce it's dessert time and that ur going to prepare some tea or coffee (to her family & ur sister's husband) & when or if the ladies don't allow u to then u should direct the other guests to move to a more casual area like a living room and serve the desserts, with t.v. on, volume medium to low, put it on the news or something (we Lebanese are big on news lol) plus it gives u something to talk about with no awkward silences. Don't talk too much or too little, be very kind to ur mother & sweet to ur wife. In this u have taken control, food brings all people together.

You said they view you as a little kid, not worthy of their daughter. By trying TOO hard to satisfy THEM you are also saying to them that you do not think you are worthy, although I understand what u are trying to do, u are trying to earn their trust and love but it just wont work with these people because its backfiring on u, different people have different methods. To get their respect you must respect yourself and by allowing them to interfere in ur marriage this way, to them u are not respecting urself. You cannot be aggressive in trying to get them to back off, that's why I gave you the above example. Your wife does not feel independent enough to let go of her mom. You must help make her feel like she is needed in ur house as a responsible grown up, that she is the lady of the house and without her it does not function the same. That doesnt mean telling her u need her 24/7, that means not knowing how to iron ur own shirt properly and trying to iron it and asking her for her help. If u go out on a date for an anniversary or something have her go to the store and buy u an outfit that matches what she is wearing. This says to a woman I am nothing without u, I cannot even dress myself, this makes her feel needed. But please do not expect her to cook everyday and please do at least put the dishes in the sink after dinner. Do not do the dishes... Invite some male friends over sometimes to watch games or something, have them bring their wives. Or make it guys night, let her have a girls night, usually on a Sunday. Tell her to make dinner plans with her friends while u invite the guys over for a few hours. Text her 2 times with simply a kiss. When ur friends are about to leave text her that they are leaving. Every couple needs alone time. It teaches them to appreciate one another and to miss one another. Or just take her on an amazing vacation for 3 days not more than 5 days, ladies tend to get home sick.

I was taught to respect my elders even if they are disrespectful, that meant if they went out of their way to disrespect me I would politely say "Respecting my elders is something my parent's stressed upon me while raising me, what you won't accept for your daughter please don't accept for me, as I won't accept for you what my parents won't accept FROM me" (Lebanese saying). -This is a very nice way of telling them that, by them being disrespectful to me they are only being disrespectful to their selves & being younger than them helps b/c the elder person is supposed to be wiser than this. If they respond to this in a rude way that means they are admitting to being raised improperly & therefore have children probably the same age as I am who are not raised as respectful as I am. But they usually dont respond in a rude way because no one wants to admit that they are bad parents lol. But if someone was prejudice towards my nationality, culture, race etc... I would not tolerate it and whether it was a boyfriend, husband or in law that is grounds for a break up, separation or divorce. Attack me as an individual but once they start to disrespect things like culture or religion, they know that my mother and father whom have given me life come from this culture or religion. When a man or woman disrespects a man or woman's family it means he or she does not respect the other person. If a man or woman's family disrespect their son or daughter in law that means they don't respect their own son or daughter because they know their son or daughter love this person. So me knowing that I would never disrespect a husband's parents, if he made a prejudice remark I would divorce him, I would think he has some festering hatred inside of him towards my people and these people include my parents. If his parents made a prejudice remark, unless he confronts his parents about this (in a respectful way of course) I would divorce him. Because if he doesnt confront them it means he does not care about me and feels its okay for me to be disrespected. I was in a five yr relationship to be wed, his mother did not like me but i respected her, my mother did not like but he respected her. His mother said something prejudice and he agreed with her statement, I broke it off completely. We are both from the same country, same religion, different denominations, but that was a big deal to his mother, my mother was not happy with it either but she did not say something disrespectful in regards to him and his denomination and I did not agree with her disapproval of his sect and in time my mother felt like well as long as I am happy. He nor his mother cared if I was happy so I told him good luck hope ur mother personally chooses a wife for u because I refuse to be that wife he said some bad things. 8 months after the break up he had his mother call my mother and apologize for everything, his father and him called my mother if they could come ask for my hand marriage, my mother asked me what i wanted to do and the decision was all mine she thought I was going to say yes. I told her no tell them no. I called him and told him the previous situation has shown that there will be problems and we both cannot live a life where he knows his mother would not accept me truly as a daughter and I wished him the best, he begged and apologized, I told him he deserved better then me and then told him bye. His guilt was making him be not prejudice, but I knew he would end up being prejudice if he were ever upset with me lol. But if we married and had children his children would be apart of me as well as apart of him. Would his family try to erase the part of me in them? Would he try the same? Would his parents love them and teach them that my denomination is wrong and that their mother is wrong? Not a healthy environment for children. So relax, ur wife is the only girl in her family, when she has a baby her mother won't feel all alone in the world. If ur mother in law had a son whose wife she liked she wouldve backed off of her daughter lol. But the lady doesnt want to feel all alone she wants to feel useful, its an insecurity. A baby will make her feel needed and a baby will teach ur wife to pay attention to her OWN family and household. After all ur mother in law is not in ur bedroom when u are attempting to make babies and she knows this.

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