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Relationship Health Message Board


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Hi there! :wave:

All of this guessing and conjecture about why and what she has on her mind is disturbing to me...because rather than to turn to strangers to ask what we think, I wonder what is stopping you from asking her all of these questions, and sharing your concerns of what this may "mean" to her.

To involve anyone in one's personal counseling after only knowing the other person only one month is excessively invasive. I can't think either a good religious OR professional counselor would encourage it or participate with it. It seems that none of the three of you has a good boundary here, esp. not the counselor! I am shocked!

The rose colored glasses need to come off, and IMO, the sexuality needs to stop before she is pregnant on top of the other complications...you both need to SLOOOOOW down...not halt, but take things slower. You clearly have a different perspective on sexuality than does she, and she is clearly not sure if she does want you for a long term prospect. There is an obvious reason she made the promise to her counselor: she has relationship partner choice problems. That is exactly why a person makes that kind of promise to a counselor. She knows it...no one coerced her into making the promise. You need to face reality that there is a definite reason for the desire to do the testing. If you can back off and go back to dating and getting to know each other you might have a chance...or she may be so emotionally messed up inside that you would become her caretaker and the one that has to do all the giving...again, you have no idea who she really is, at this early in the game.

I understand people have different moral standards, so that aside, one thing does not change, and that is how having sex affects relationships. You didn't wait long enough to have the needed space to building trust and getting to know each other before jumping into physical intimacy...it is IMPOSSIBLE to back track now. All you can do now is face issues squarely, openly, and head on...this may be a perfectly great lady, but if she had no issues or reservations she would not be seeing a counselor or discussing you with him/her. You need to know why she needs a counselor so you know what YOU are getting involved with...and believe me, at one month and already into sex, you have no idea who she is, just as she has no idea who you are...she knows this is true. Using a test to try to hurry through the getting to know you stage is not in my experience useful to building a relationship.

Hoping for the best is not facing reality. You already said you have a passivity problem...and believe me, it IS a problem you need to seriously work on and address openly if you want a long term relationship to work out.

Passivity and 'hoping for the best' drives independent minded women absolutely crazy. I can see that you are a nice guy that means well, but if you really trust things to work out, why are you not stepping forward to openly discuss all of the things brought out here with her?


I think you both started out as seeing each other as confident and well-adjusted, but that you both have some serious realtionship affecting issues and intimacy problems that make each of you less than confident. This doesn't mean there is no chance for you to work it out, but working it out means doing the hard work of facing truth about yourselves and building trust by learning each others' reality.

I speak from the experience of repeatedly doing relationships all the wrong way (others will beg to differ), having deep rooted insecurity and not going about building true intimate trust before getting involved sexually, hoping for the best, marrying it, then spending years and years hoping one of us would change. We can't change our stripes.

I'm sure nothing I say will change your mind. But I hope you remember it when you have problems in this relationship, because you can always choose to stop being passive and learn to be proactive. It is really a learned behavior and can be changed.

:wave:





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