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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


anonymous - I think your problem is quite common. In fact we've seen it many times on these boards. It's common to be torn between Mr. Security Man, 9 to 5, dependable, reliable, good breadwinner, would make a good provider, a faithful, reliable husband and good father, but the relationship is more like good friends rather than lovers and true soul mates. then there's another guy who has all the passion and romantic love, but with whom a future is less certain. Which you choose depends on what you want more.

I do think that entering into a marriage with the attitude "well, if it doesn't work I can always get a divorce" is not a good idea. Marriage is hard enough without going into it when you're not sure it's really what you want. You say you KNOW you could be happy with your fiance. If you're so sure, then why are you hesitating? I don't think you are that sure. I think you want something more than your fiance will ever be able to give you, and you are afraid of the consequences of breaking the engagement, especially since so much money has already been shelled out for the wedding. But again, this is your life you're talking about. What's money compared to your happiness and well being?

I agree that you can't end your engagement just for this other guy. things may not work out with him. He may decide to stay with the other girl. You have to figure out what you really really want, how do you see your life in 5, 10, 15 years? What would you regret more? Having a nice home and kids with a man you don't really love, having to deal with the highs and lows of everyday life with someone you never really loved, giving up the chance to find someone you can really love, or taking a chance on finding love and maybe not finding it and maybe ending up single and childless? Do some soul searching and know yourself enough to know what is more important to you. Who knows? You could take a risk and end up getting it all. A well known woman we all know of was engaged to someone when she met a man through her work. They were drawn to each other and she broke off her engagement in order to date him. 11 years later, they are by all accounts very happily married still with three lovely girls and they say they know they will be together forever. Wahtever you choose will take courage, maybe more than you want to have, but again, this is your life we're talking about. this is not the time for people pleasing or worrying about how your family will react. Only you know what will make you truly happy, and only you will be unhappy if you don't get it.

p.s. just saw your most recent post - were you ever passionately iIN love with your fiance? You say you 'lost" that spark. Why can't you get it back?

I also think it depends on what the "spark" is based on. I think if it's based on deep compatibility, common goals, values and world view, deep and abiding respect and chemistry, it can last.

There's no guarantee that the "spark" won't fade with someone new, but again, I think it depends on what it's based on and how willing both parties are to work at keeping it alive.
[QUOTE]would you be questioning your upcoming nuptuals if guy number 2 wasn't in the picture? [/QUOTE]

Honestly, I think I would be but definitely not to this extent. I would have "doubts" as they say, just because our relationship has never been as good as it used to be before the original break-up. We had arguments and conversations that messed with my head long before guy #2 came into the picture. I just know how devastated I was when we broke up before, so I felt like I could never be without him. I still feel that way in some respects. The new guy coming into the picture sort-of confirmed the worries I had before. But then I worry that I will never know when it's REALLY right if ten years down the road with the next person, the same thing happens. But by that time I might have had enough life experience to be content with the way things turned out to be. I don't know - it's just all so confusing and I never thought it would happen this way.


[deleted]

Everyone else, thank you for taking the time to give me your feedback on the situation. It's a hard pill to swallow and I appreciate the guidance.
[QUOTE=anonymous5678;3960892]The long and the short of it is - My fiance and I are getting married in 3 months, and I am in love with someone else. I love my fiance...but I am IN love with another. I know the immediate response I will get is - don't get married. But it is not that simple. I could post pages and pages of explanation and my thoughts...but I will try to make it more to the point.

I have been with my fiance for almost 10 years (engaged for 2) and we are in our mid twenties. We have had our ups and downs and even broke up for almost a year when I thought we would be getting engaged. He apparently thought differently. But we made it through that and I never looked back. My fiance is a great guy - one of those genuine guys that are hard to come by. But we have lost all passion for one another over the years. I know that he and I could live relatively happily...more as good friends than lovers...one of those "good enough" marriages, as they say. I know he will be a great dad and would do anything for me. But there is something huge missing from our relationship - the connection...somewhat physical...somewhat spiritual, etc.

Enter guy #2. I have known him for almost 3 years and we immediately had a connection. There was a time a few years ago when there was definitely an "emotional affair" taking place between us. He always told me he just wanted me to be happy. He said I needed to make a decision about my relationship, independent from my involvement with him. To me, this was impossible. I wouldn't be in the predicament I am in if I hadn't met him. I firmly believe this...there is something about him...my heart aches for him...it is unlike anything I have felt in a long time. I flat-out told him "if you just want me to be happy - what if I said it was you who made me happy, what then?" By that time some months had passed and he was more involved with a girl he had been dating before we ever met. At that point, we went our separate ways and talked here and there for brief moments. I continued to plan my wedding and resigned myself to the fact that the passion is going to die out in most relationships, and I'll be happy with someone who cares about me as much as my fiance does.

Fast forward to about 3 months ago when guy #2 slowly creeps back into the picture. That feeling in my heart gets stronger again...I think about him constantly (although a day never went by when I didn't think of him during the time we weren't really speaking)...I have that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach like everything is turning upside-down again. Meanwhile he is still with his girlfriend who he has proclaimed is not the right person for him. It appears we are both really screwed up. It is not the kind of situation where, if I broke off my engagement, we would run into each other's arms and live happily ever after. As messed up as this all sounds - I know he doesn't want to be the reason for breaking up a relationship like this - and I know he hasn't been allowing himself to feel for me as strongly as I do him. I know the potential is there but he has a lot more strength than I do.

There are so many details and seemingly important points I am leaving out - but of course I can't explain everything. I am just looking for some guidance and I know the obvious answer...but like I said, I am engaged to a great guy that I know I COULD be happy with. My family and I have invested tens of thousands of dollars into a fast-approaching wedding. If we had gotten married 3-4 years ago like I had always planned, I think I would be happily married with a few kids by now. It is not as easy as cancelling the wedding for an unknown. No matter what the reason, if I were to even suggest cancelling or postponing the wedding, I feel like my family would hate me.

So many marriages end in divorce and I used to be the girl who would never accept a divorce for myself. This whole situation has changed me in so many ways. I have caught myself accepting the possibility of a future divorce. I don't like myself or my thoughts most of the time. I know I am a good person inside and I am deeply compassionate - which does cloud my judgement at times.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I'm getting older but really I am still so young... a lost, confused little girl who loves to love and wants to please everyone. Please help...where do I go from here...?[/QUOTE]

Its pretty simple..make a decision. Be happy. Your just making things worse..Maybe take some time off and be alone for a little while to think about what you truly need to do. Nothing or no one says you have to be with either of them. In the mean time, I would quit talking to the guy not involved, focus on the relationship at hand before you hurt someone worse than your already going to..If your fiance is such a great guy and all, he deserves someone that is faithful to him and only him, desires him and only him.





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