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The long and the short of it is - My fiance and I are getting married in 3 months, and I am in love with someone else. I love my fiance...but I am IN love with another. I know the immediate response I will get is - don't get married. But it is not that simple. I could post pages and pages of explanation and my thoughts...but I will try to make it more to the point.

I have been with my fiance for almost 10 years (engaged for 2) and we are in our mid twenties. We have had our ups and downs and even broke up for almost a year when I thought we would be getting engaged. He apparently thought differently. But we made it through that and I never looked back. My fiance is a great guy - one of those genuine guys that are hard to come by. But we have lost all passion for one another over the years. I know that he and I could live relatively happily...more as good friends than lovers...one of those "good enough" marriages, as they say. I know he will be a great dad and would do anything for me. But there is something huge missing from our relationship - the connection...somewhat physical...somewhat spiritual, etc.

Enter guy #2. I have known him for almost 3 years and we immediately had a connection. There was a time a few years ago when there was definitely an "emotional affair" taking place between us. He always told me he just wanted me to be happy. He said I needed to make a decision about my relationship, independent from my involvement with him. To me, this was impossible. I wouldn't be in the predicament I am in if I hadn't met him. I firmly believe this...there is something about him...my heart aches for him...it is unlike anything I have felt in a long time. I flat-out told him "if you just want me to be happy - what if I said it was you who made me happy, what then?" By that time some months had passed and he was more involved with a girl he had been dating before we ever met. At that point, we went our separate ways and talked here and there for brief moments. I continued to plan my wedding and resigned myself to the fact that the passion is going to die out in most relationships, and I'll be happy with someone who cares about me as much as my fiance does.

Fast forward to about 3 months ago when guy #2 slowly creeps back into the picture. That feeling in my heart gets stronger again...I think about him constantly (although a day never went by when I didn't think of him during the time we weren't really speaking)...I have that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach like everything is turning upside-down again. Meanwhile he is still with his girlfriend who he has proclaimed is not the right person for him. It appears we are both really screwed up. It is not the kind of situation where, if I broke off my engagement, we would run into each other's arms and live happily ever after. As messed up as this all sounds - I know he doesn't want to be the reason for breaking up a relationship like this - and I know he hasn't been allowing himself to feel for me as strongly as I do him. I know the potential is there but he has a lot more strength than I do.

There are so many details and seemingly important points I am leaving out - but of course I can't explain everything. I am just looking for some guidance and I know the obvious answer...but like I said, I am engaged to a great guy that I know I COULD be happy with. My family and I have invested tens of thousands of dollars into a fast-approaching wedding. If we had gotten married 3-4 years ago like I had always planned, I think I would be happily married with a few kids by now. It is not as easy as cancelling the wedding for an unknown. No matter what the reason, if I were to even suggest cancelling or postponing the wedding, I feel like my family would hate me.

So many marriages end in divorce and I used to be the girl who would never accept a divorce for myself. This whole situation has changed me in so many ways. I have caught myself accepting the possibility of a future divorce. I don't like myself or my thoughts most of the time. I know I am a good person inside and I am deeply compassionate - which does cloud my judgement at times.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I'm getting older but really I am still so young... a lost, confused little girl who loves to love and wants to please everyone. Please help...where do I go from here...?
I'm sure your fiance is a great guy, and if so..........don't you think he deserves to be with someone who is truly, and passionately IN LOVE with him? Breaking up would definitely be hurtful now, but in all fairness to this great guy, he deserves happiness. You do too. Even if guy #2 isn't Mr. Right, there IS someone out there for you. With so many doubts I think it would be wise to call it off and get your own life together. A marriage that is simply "good enough" is NEVER the real thing. Love, respect, and committment are the foundations of a lasting relationship. Please don't go into a marriage thinking if it doesn't work out you can just get a divorce. It's never that easy, especially if children are involved. Please, think this over carefully! Good luck to you.
Soibhan
You said at the end of your post that you want to please everyone...but that's not really the impression I'm getting from the rest of your post. I"m getting more like, you aren't happy but you don't want to face the consequences of your somewhat irresponsible actions of agreeing to marry a guy you don't feel true love for and having an emotional affair with another man. Yes, people are going to be upset at first if you call off this wedding--first and foremost, your fiance, but I'm sure your parents will be a little disappointed--esp. if you are doing a good job of hiding this and it hits them like a runaway train, but again, it is your fault for letting it get this far. You're young--you can hardly even refer to your "relationship" with this guy as 10 years long, you would have been 15! That's not really the time you pick your soul mate. You need to face the music now and end everything. It will NOT NOT NOT be easier to just go through with the wedding and deal with this afterward. You're in your 20's and not even married yet and you are already somewhat involved with someone else, you will surely cheat at some point in this marriage. Honestly, if there was any chance that you wouldn't cheat, you would have made certain to never contact this other man you are in love with. Doing that speaks volumes about your character. Don't play the victim here, because everything that you are afraid to face right now is your fault. Do the honorable thing and end your engagement.
anonymous - I think your problem is quite common. In fact we've seen it many times on these boards. It's common to be torn between Mr. Security Man, 9 to 5, dependable, reliable, good breadwinner, would make a good provider, a faithful, reliable husband and good father, but the relationship is more like good friends rather than lovers and true soul mates. then there's another guy who has all the passion and romantic love, but with whom a future is less certain. Which you choose depends on what you want more.

I do think that entering into a marriage with the attitude "well, if it doesn't work I can always get a divorce" is not a good idea. Marriage is hard enough without going into it when you're not sure it's really what you want. You say you KNOW you could be happy with your fiance. If you're so sure, then why are you hesitating? I don't think you are that sure. I think you want something more than your fiance will ever be able to give you, and you are afraid of the consequences of breaking the engagement, especially since so much money has already been shelled out for the wedding. But again, this is your life you're talking about. What's money compared to your happiness and well being?

I agree that you can't end your engagement just for this other guy. things may not work out with him. He may decide to stay with the other girl. You have to figure out what you really really want, how do you see your life in 5, 10, 15 years? What would you regret more? Having a nice home and kids with a man you don't really love, having to deal with the highs and lows of everyday life with someone you never really loved, giving up the chance to find someone you can really love, or taking a chance on finding love and maybe not finding it and maybe ending up single and childless? Do some soul searching and know yourself enough to know what is more important to you. Who knows? You could take a risk and end up getting it all. A well known woman we all know of was engaged to someone when she met a man through her work. They were drawn to each other and she broke off her engagement in order to date him. 11 years later, they are by all accounts very happily married still with three lovely girls and they say they know they will be together forever. Wahtever you choose will take courage, maybe more than you want to have, but again, this is your life we're talking about. this is not the time for people pleasing or worrying about how your family will react. Only you know what will make you truly happy, and only you will be unhappy if you don't get it.

p.s. just saw your most recent post - were you ever passionately iIN love with your fiance? You say you 'lost" that spark. Why can't you get it back?

I also think it depends on what the "spark" is based on. I think if it's based on deep compatibility, common goals, values and world view, deep and abiding respect and chemistry, it can last.

There's no guarantee that the "spark" won't fade with someone new, but again, I think it depends on what it's based on and how willing both parties are to work at keeping it alive.
What stand out in you post is that you aren't even married yet and you already talk about possible divorce. Married life can be hard enough but it is very hard if you enter the marriage thinking about divorce. Divorce isn't something you just decide, It is often very hard emotionally for both people and not to mention if you have children. Please think hard and long before you get married. Money and what people will say is secondary compared to the pain of future divorce.
Another thing that stands out in your post and which is even more important than the first one is that your post sound selfish. It is all about you and how you feel. What about your fiance? How would he feel if he read your post? Why don't you think that he deserves somebody who loves him? Do you think that he wants to marry somebody who thinks about another man? You have already cheated on your fiance, you cheated emotionally. Did you tell your fiance about the other guy and how you told the other guy that he may be able to make you happy? Please be nice to your fiance and break up with him.
Yes, I think your main problem is your thinking your family will hate you. You don't want to be the bad girl who breaks up a promising relationship and somehow brings disgrace to both families. That is too heavy a load for you to carry.

I'd like to have more personal information about you, such as: are you an only child? how far did you go with your schooling and education? do you have a job? etc

Since I don't have the information, I'll give some general advice, as you are asking for.

I'm no authority on marriages. I've only had two marriages so far, but I wouldn't be very wrong to tell you that it doesn't really matter whom you marry in the long run; you're going to have some kind of clash along the road. All married couples do, but of course problems can be more or less difficult to solve depending on the partners, and possibly more so, the younger they are.

Being in love with someone is no guarantee that marrying them will be totally successful. On the other hand, that the spark is gone doesn't mean that you can't have it back. There are ways to make it happen, but again the ways may not be 100% successful.

You're confused. In this case, you should not marry this guy. Forget about the other guy. He is just like smoke for the time being. You hardly know him well enough. Talk to your mother first. You don't have to mention the other guy. Tell her that you don't want to marry now because you are not sure any more. You want to focus on another area of your life. You don't mean to hurt anyone, although you probably will, but this is very important for your mental and physical health. You want to pursue your education, follow a career, reach economic independence, before settling down. You are aware of the risks of your decision, but you know you can't simply forget about your future as an independent human being. Then talk to your fiancÚ. By this time, I hope you'll have the emotional support of your mother at least.

They may be angry with you for a while (and they are entitled to it, you know), but as soon as they realize that you are getting involved with educational or professional projects for your future, the anger is likely to subside. Be firm and consistent with your intentions.

While I am of the opinion that a woman is the foundation of a family, I also believe that in modern times it's essential for most women to achieve a relative economic independence both from their parents and husbands. So that's what I think you have to do.

In the meantime it's better to avoid getting in contact with the other guy. Put him on the backburner, so to say, until you can talk to him from a more stable position.
If you marry your finance you will only leave him when you come across someone else who will have you. Then you will feel enough security to leave.

This other guy is not giving you that security in leaving your finance.

End the engagement...this relationship with your long term partner is not working. You will leave him in the future if not now.

He doesn't deserve that. Nor do you.
I do think you should break it off with your fiance. I am one of those people that would never want to settle for a "good enough" marriage. In addition to that, your chances of being unfaithful are very high if you aren't "in love" and passionately happy. That's not fair to your future husband, and although it will break his heart, it's much harder to leave when you're married. I think the only fair thing to do for both yourself and your future husband is to end it with him.

Now, for the other guy, there's a good chance that these feelings you have for him are the "new in love" feelings, and yes, those too may fade if you get into a relationship. It's also possible that you have such strong feelings for him because you know you can't have him. Things always seem so much greater from a distance. But, if you break it off with your fiance, you may have the opportunity to explore those feelings and see if they are real or not. The thing is that all relationships have ups and downs and ins and outs of loves. But that love usually comes back. You won't always have the "new in love" feeling with someone, unfortunately, that fades and never comes back. But, you should still be in love with the person you're going to marry, more than just comfortable. Good luck with whatever decision you make.
Your fiance may be thinking the same thing but he would never call it off because he wouldn't want to hurt you and be the "bad guy". Be the brave one and call it off before you both make a mistake, but don't do it for this "other guy". He doesn't want you. His statement "I just want you to be happy" is his way of sounding like he cares. He's just stringing you along because he feels safe since your "engaged" and about to be married. It flatters him that you want him. Watch how fast he's out of the picture when you cancel the wedding. :( It seems you just need more time to decide what you really want. Marriage should be a lifetime commitment and not entered into lightly. Too many broken homes and damaged children because of selfish people. Be strong and do the right thing. :) I wish you the best.
[QUOTE=rudiraven;3961358]Your fiance may be thinking the same thing but he would never call it off because he wouldn't want to hurt you and be the "bad guy". Be the brave one and call it off before you both make a mistake, but don't do it for this "other guy". He doesn't want you. His statement "I just want you to be happy" is his way of sounding like he cares. He's just stringing you along because he feels safe since your "engaged" and about to be married. It flatters him that you want him. Watch how fast he's out of the picture when you cancel the wedding. :( It seems you just need more time to decide what you really want. Marriage should be a lifetime commitment and not entered into lightly. Too many broken homes and damaged children because of [B]selfish people[/B]. Be strong and do the right thing. :) I wish you the best.[/QUOTE]

I like this post, but I don't know if I understand what she means by "selfish people." I understand it may be foolish to marry someone out of convenience, but does she mean to say that once you have married someone you should avoid ending the marriage because of the possibility of breaking homes and damaging children? I would like to ask Rudiraven to elaborate on her thoughts, if possible. This is of interest to me and perhaps also to the case in point.
[QUOTE]but don't do it for this "other guy". He doesn't want you. His statement "I just want you to be happy" is his way of sounding like he cares. He's just stringing you along because he feels safe since your "engaged" and about to be married. It flatters him that you want him. Watch how fast he's out of the picture when you cancel the wedding.[/QUOTE]


I think you are right about this at the present time. When we first met and this all began, I would have disagreed because at that point he was definitely more attached to me than I was to him, he didn't have a girlfriend, and if I had broken my relationship to be with him, I believe we would have been together and happy. At this point in time after such a long and sometimes dramatic "friendship", I think he is probably more interested in my appearance and the possibility of a physical relationship. I know he is a caring person and I am sure he really does want me to be happy - but I am sure he is not referring to be me being happy with HIM. I don't necessarily think he would fly out of the picture, but I do agree that he wouldn't exactly be jumping out of his relationship and into my arms... nonetheless we do have a great connection and that is what has thrown me for a loop.
[QUOTE=rosequartz;3962717]would you be questioning your upcoming nuptuals if guy number 2 wasn't in the picture?[/QUOTE]

That is a good question. I was wondering myself if this second guy was simply the trigger.
Just because you love someone or feel a connection does not mean that person is for you.
Now, with your wedding 3 months away and the thousands of dollars you have already spent, you are more under pressure to make a decision on wheather or not you should get married.

Have you tried talking to your mom (if you are close) about your feelings? Can she offer you advise that may help you?
Marrying your HS sweetheart because he's safe may not lead to a happy fullfilled marriage. (been there done that)
How does he feel? Has guy #2 lead you to believe there is a future for you and he? Are you afraid that if you do not marry #1 guy you may miss out on ever getting married again? The unknown future of what could be or could have been?
You have many questions to ask yourself of what you want, as confusing as it may seem do what is best for you regardless of who may get hurt "now" if it's you or your boyfriend it's better to deal with it now then later.
Oh and marriage, there is love, respect, PASSION, looking forward to sharing your daily life as well as your future...
I've never been in your exact position, but I did fall in love with my best friend, who happened to be a guy. There was just an instant click and I went from being a friend to loving him, and he felt the same toward me. He was a little jealous of my boyfriend, and I would get a little jealous of him if he got frisky with some random girl. In fact, he is still convinced he will marry me...and he and I seem to have more in common than my BF and I do, including the fact that my friend is childfree like I am (BF wants kids). But that's besides the point.

The feelings for my friend exacerbated when he moved away, but I think I have gotten over them in time mostly. I still get a little jealous when he says anything about wanting to date, but I don't say anything.

You and your partner have been together for a long time, and you are right saying all relationships will lose their excitement eventually. It takes a few years, but couples will reach that point of 'comfort' where you're over the goofy lovey-dovey honeymoon-ish bliss and are more sort of settled and are more like roommates...and it sounds like you and your fiance have already reached that point. And I think it's normal to get feelings toward other guys, especially if you are young. You might feel censured by taking this big final step in your relationship when you are in your twenties and part of you might want to experience more of the dating world before making a choice as permanent as marriage so young. Once again, I feel this way too...I would have liked to date while in college a little since I met some great guys who are friends, but BF didn't want to date other people.

I echo what others are saying...don't make a decision this big if you are any less than a hundred percent sure about it. Odds are, if you get married when you don't necessarily want to, you will regret it and things will go sour fast.

Personally, I have had a few crushes since meeting the boyfriend. One of them I can admit to myself was actual love. But at the end of the day, I know my heart still is with my boyfriend. Humans in general tend to crave that which is forbidden...you want your friend because he is sort of off-limits. And these feelings won't go away until you can pursue him, sadly. You may feel on cloud nine if you get with your friend, but like your current relationship, another one will deteriorate over time too.

I'd say to give it a little time, but don't get married yet. Ask yourself if the second guy could treat you as well as your fiance and if you could see a decent, somewhat bearable future with him.
[QUOTE=Dark Stranger;3963950]You and your partner have been together for a long time, and you are right saying all relationships will lose their excitement eventually. It takes a few years, but couples will reach that point of 'comfort' where you're over the goofy lovey-dovey honeymoon-ish bliss and are more sort of settled and are more like roommates...[/QUOTE]

Both you and anonymous mentioned this issue with couples losing "that" feeling and then settling into a more "comfortable/roomate" style relationship. I have to disagree with both of you on this point. Not every couple ends up like this. I've known my husband since 10th grade, we are now 40 years old, married with two kids (one in college) and he STILL gives me that butterfly feeling in my stomach. He gets the same with me after all these years. We are even more in love with each other now then we were when we first started seeing each other. Last year I had a love letter from me to him posted in our local newspaper, and the year before that we had a huge "wedding vow renewal" ceremony and second honeymoon.

Having said that, I have to say anonymous, that the reason we still feel this way about each other is because our marriage is built on a foundation of true love for one another. It isn't based on the idea of, "He's a good guy and we can have a comfortable relationship". I'm not judging you or coming down on you.

It wouldn't be fair to you or him to enter a marriage based on anything less than 100% pure "in love" love. Marriage for convenience/comfort isn't going to be satisfying for either one of you, and then if you should have children, it will be that much worse when you realize you guys made the wrong choice and end up getting a divorce.

You said that he has also lost his spark for you, so why not just sit down with him and have a heart to heart. End this thing on good terms and salvage the friendship. You will both be better off.

I do wish you the best. Take care.
Take some time off from the relationship. Clearly identify what you want in life - goals (eg.kids), expectations, and the ideal relationship. Remove the new guy from the picture because there will always be new people and infatuations in your life. You need some "me time" to figure things out so you can be fair to both you and your fiance.

The number of people posting of "friends" who found the love of their loves when already with someone or married to someone is very disappointing. To me that smells of weakness. If you are unhappy with someone, end it based on that. Do not end it based on finding someone else or wait until you find someone else. When you do that, it tells a lot about your true character. Sorry but I am a straight shooter.

Our society has become grey. We want to explain away our actions and feelings so we can feel good about ourselves. We dont want to take responsibility for anything anymore or to work at things to improve them. But deep down I think we all know what is truly "right."

I am very very lucky that my boyfriend and I are on the same page when it come to relationships. We have both said that we want to know if the other is unhappy and wants to end it so that it does not drag on till one of us finds someone else. Maybe we are just unique. But I hope not.
I do and I don't. It's a little different for me though because while now there is another guy in the picture, he wasn't there a year ago before I got married. If he was, it may have changed things. I have felt that "comfortable" way with my husband for the past few yrs and only now that I met this new person did it really hit me that I could (and perhaps should) feel more than just content and comfortable with someone. Ugh, it's just complicated!
I am sorry that you've come to this realization, but thank you for your update. What is going on with guy #2? Do you still speak to him? Obviously if you do, this may be contributing to the current feelings you have about your marriage.
I read someplace (maybe in one of these posts?) that marriage shouldn't be a hostage situation. I completely agree with this. There comes a point where you NEED to think about your own happiness and well-being and stop concentrating so much on how your actions will affect everyone else. Does your husband deserve a wife that doesn't truly love him? You only have one life to live, and even though you are married it isn't too late to follow your heart.
I know it's a tough situation...
anonymous5678 the only thing u need to ask urself is " which guy means more ? "

forget everything else . I dont know what u mean when u say that u know ur fiancee is also not in love with u completely , . you can surely get back the spark with ur fiancee but u need to first desire it .
best of luck
[QUOTE=anonymous5678;3960892]The long and the short of it is - My fiance and I are getting married in 3 months, and I am in love with someone else. I love my fiance...but I am IN love with another. I know the immediate response I will get is - don't get married. But it is not that simple. I could post pages and pages of explanation and my thoughts...but I will try to make it more to the point.

I have been with my fiance for almost 10 years (engaged for 2) and we are in our mid twenties. We have had our ups and downs and even broke up for almost a year when I thought we would be getting engaged. He apparently thought differently. But we made it through that and I never looked back. My fiance is a great guy - one of those genuine guys that are hard to come by. But we have lost all passion for one another over the years. I know that he and I could live relatively happily...more as good friends than lovers...one of those "good enough" marriages, as they say. I know he will be a great dad and would do anything for me. But there is something huge missing from our relationship - the connection...somewhat physical...somewhat spiritual, etc.

Enter guy #2. I have known him for almost 3 years and we immediately had a connection. There was a time a few years ago when there was definitely an "emotional affair" taking place between us. He always told me he just wanted me to be happy. He said I needed to make a decision about my relationship, independent from my involvement with him. To me, this was impossible. I wouldn't be in the predicament I am in if I hadn't met him. I firmly believe this...there is something about him...my heart aches for him...it is unlike anything I have felt in a long time. I flat-out told him "if you just want me to be happy - what if I said it was you who made me happy, what then?" By that time some months had passed and he was more involved with a girl he had been dating before we ever met. At that point, we went our separate ways and talked here and there for brief moments. I continued to plan my wedding and resigned myself to the fact that the passion is going to die out in most relationships, and I'll be happy with someone who cares about me as much as my fiance does.

Fast forward to about 3 months ago when guy #2 slowly creeps back into the picture. That feeling in my heart gets stronger again...I think about him constantly (although a day never went by when I didn't think of him during the time we weren't really speaking)...I have that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach like everything is turning upside-down again. Meanwhile he is still with his girlfriend who he has proclaimed is not the right person for him. It appears we are both really screwed up. It is not the kind of situation where, if I broke off my engagement, we would run into each other's arms and live happily ever after. As messed up as this all sounds - I know he doesn't want to be the reason for breaking up a relationship like this - and I know he hasn't been allowing himself to feel for me as strongly as I do him. I know the potential is there but he has a lot more strength than I do.

There are so many details and seemingly important points I am leaving out - but of course I can't explain everything. I am just looking for some guidance and I know the obvious answer...but like I said, I am engaged to a great guy that I know I COULD be happy with. My family and I have invested tens of thousands of dollars into a fast-approaching wedding. If we had gotten married 3-4 years ago like I had always planned, I think I would be happily married with a few kids by now. It is not as easy as cancelling the wedding for an unknown. No matter what the reason, if I were to even suggest cancelling or postponing the wedding, I feel like my family would hate me.

So many marriages end in divorce and I used to be the girl who would never accept a divorce for myself. This whole situation has changed me in so many ways. I have caught myself accepting the possibility of a future divorce. I don't like myself or my thoughts most of the time. I know I am a good person inside and I am deeply compassionate - which does cloud my judgement at times.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I'm getting older but really I am still so young... a lost, confused little girl who loves to love and wants to please everyone. Please help...where do I go from here...?[/QUOTE]

Its pretty simple..make a decision. Be happy. Your just making things worse..Maybe take some time off and be alone for a little while to think about what you truly need to do. Nothing or no one says you have to be with either of them. In the mean time, I would quit talking to the guy not involved, focus on the relationship at hand before you hurt someone worse than your already going to..If your fiance is such a great guy and all, he deserves someone that is faithful to him and only him, desires him and only him.
I wish I knew the answer to help you because I'm in the same boat. I'm sick about it. I have dated the same guy at least 4 years, we've been engaged for 2 years and even signed on a house together. We have a great relationship overall, he's very good to me, and loves me. But, I'm starting to wonder if I made a mistake. I've had doubts for some time because it just seems like something is missing.
Many of my friends keep saying since my engagement that I would have at least set a date if I was really in love but I've been scared to commit.

I dated my ex for many years but I was in graduate school and busy, we lived in two different areas and just broke up agreeing we would be friends. We have infrequently texted just to say hi or to see how the other is doing. My ex has also said I don't look happy in the engagement picture and he asked for me to be sure my fiance was the one before I married. I know my ex still loves me and I feel like I still love him. We haven't crossed the line to see each other or anything like that, I feel like such a cheater as it is. I wonder what might have been all the time. I feel like I wouldn't have these doubts if it wasn't for feeling like I still have feelings for my ex. I've tried to convince myself that I may love the ex I used to know but we haven't seen each other in years and we've probably both changed anyway. I would be crazy to give up what I have only to find out that what I think I feel for my ex isn't real anymore. Unfortunately, it doesn't change the feeling in the pit of my stomach that also says I may have these unresolved feelings I need to figure out. I feel so bad and so stuck. It's not like I can just ask for time, we have a house together. I don't know what to do.





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