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[QUOTE=KellyAnn08;3963400]This man and I are not coworkers. We work in the same building and run into each other, maybe once or twice every few weeks. I wouldn't take him back, even if he decided that was what he wanted afterall. We are still civil towards each other (no doubt out of force of habit ....we have been talking since '06 ); but I am just curious as to why he would still be this pleasant and friendly, and even a little affectionate after all of this time.

Even when he comes into the Call Centre, where I work, to do a job; he makes it a point to look for me, and come over and talk to me. One time I was on the phone, and he stood there until I looked up at him; he even tugged on my headset.

Kellyann[/QUOTE]

Ok, just to get this straight, you met this guy and started up a relationship with him. He had an "ex" common law wife that he told you he was through with and that you were the one he wanted (why he didn't think about his bank account at this point, I don't know). Then, when the ex partner asked if he would take her back, he did, claiming it was mainly for financial reasons. Now, a year later, he's affectionate and almost flirty with you, complimenting you, squeezing your arm the back of your neck, etc. Is that all correct?

Why does he do it? Who knows for sure why men do anything. I don't even think they know why they do what they do half the time. But I think by and large, men have very short memories and it's been my experience that they tend to re-write history to make themselves look and feel better. Your version is you fell in love with each other he swore you were the one, then his ex wanted him back and he abandoned you at her beck and call. His verions probably goes something like "we met and had great chemistry but she knew all along that I had a common law wife that I couldn't leave. She knew up front that it was a possibility I might work things out with my common law partner. I did because that's what was best for me. I never lied to Kellyanne or led her on or made her think what we had was more than it was. I treated her well, and we had a good time while it lasted and there is no reason for us not to be good friends now."

I think he's affectionate with yolu because you allow it. He really has no business putting his hands on you and if I were his ex-back-together-with-again-common-law wife and knew he was doing that to you, I'd chew him a new one. My guess would be that it gives him an ego boost and it confirms that he did right by you, that he made the right decision, and that he has nothing to be sorry about or apologize to you for. If you feel resentful, then my advice would be to be honest with those feelings. He's back with his common law partner and you have no reason to assume he isn't blissfully happy with her. I don't really see any reason why you have to pretend to be "cool" with it all and act like he didn't hurt you or that he was less than honest and honorable with you. Be as civil as you are comfortable with, but if you are uncomfortable with him taking liberties like squeezing body parts, you don't have to allow it. When you see it coming, just step away, walk away, direct your attention elsewhere, etc. until he gest the message that a decent, honorable man who is devoted and faithful to his common law partner should not be putting his hands all over the ex lover he almost left the common law partner for.
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3964026]Ok, just to get this straight, you met this guy and started up a relationship with him. He had an "ex" common law wife that he told you he was through with and that you were the one he wanted (why he didn't think about his bank account at this point, I don't know). Then, when the ex partner asked if he would take her back, he did, claiming it was mainly for financial reasons. Now, a year later, he's affectionate and almost flirty with you, complimenting you, squeezing your arm the back of your neck, etc. Is that all correct?

Why does he do it? Who knows for sure why men do anything. I don't even think they know why they do what they do half the time. But I think by and large, men have very short memories and it's been my experience that they tend to re-write history to make themselves look and feel better. Your version is you fell in love with each other he swore you were the one, then his ex wanted him back and he abandoned you at her beck and call. His verions probably goes something like "we met and had great chemistry but she knew all along that I had a common law wife that I couldn't leave. She knew up front that it was a possibility I might work things out with my common law partner. I did because that's what was best for me. I never lied to Kellyanne or led her on or made her think what we had was more than it was. I treated her well, and we had a good time while it lasted and there is no reason for us not to be good friends now."

I think he's affectionate with yolu because you allow it. He really has no business putting his hands on you and if I were his ex-back-together-with-again-common-law wife and knew he was doing that to you, I'd chew him a new one. My guess would be that it gives him an ego boost and it confirms that he did right by you, that he made the right decision, and that he has nothing to be sorry about or apologize to you for. If you feel resentful, then my advice would be to be honest with those feelings. He's back with his common law partner and you have no reason to assume he isn't blissfully happy with her. I don't really see any reason why you have to pretend to be "cool" with it all and act like he didn't hurt you or that he was less than honest and honorable with you. Be as civil as you are comfortable with, but if you are uncomfortable with him taking liberties like squeezing body parts, you don't have to allow it. When you see it coming, just step away, walk away, direct your attention elsewhere, etc. until he gest the message that a decent, honorable man who is devoted and faithful to his common law partner should not be putting his hands all over the ex lover he almost left the common law partner for.[/QUOTE]


When this man first came into my life, he kept the fact that he had a Common-law partner from me. About four months later, I caught him in a couple of lies; where I got the truth out of him. He told me that their relationship was over, and that he only had to take care of the financial and legal obligations. He told me that he thought it was safe to approach me when he did, and that everything legal and financial would have been settled before I would even have to find out about her still being in his home; until everything was settled and she was in her own place.

But during our time together, he was concerned about how he would survive financially if he did leave; as when you leave your spouse/partner after living with them for so long, they are entitled to half of your investments/pension; and he wanted to keep [B]HIS[/B] money intact for himself.

With all of that said, he was still focused on me, telling me how much he loved me, that I was the one that he wanted to be with; but when it really came down to it, he wasn't able to leave due to financial reasons. He told me that he didn't feel that it was fair to me, as nothing had changed on his end; but that I am in his head and in his heart.

Even over the past six months, he has told me that he misses me and thinks about me .... as there is nothing wrong with/no harm in that.

To this day, he is all smiles when he sees me, asking me how I am doing and what is new, complimenting me, and being a little affectionate.

That is the way things are now; but even with everything that I have just said, I am no fool; and there is no way that I would ever get involved with him again. I am civil towards him, but I have [B]NOT[/B] forgotten anything.

Kellyann :):):):)
[QUOTE=KellyAnn08;3964389]

Even over the past six months, he has told me that he misses me and thinks about me .... as there is nothing wrong with/no harm in that.

[/QUOTE]

Well, I think perhaps that depends on your perspective. I'd be willing to bet his common law wife would say there's a lot wrong with and a lot of harm in that. I would be very concerned if the guy I was living with still thought about and missed an old lover. I don't think he's being very fair to either of you. But it's good that you're not ready to let him play you again.
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3964436]Well, I think perhaps that depends on your perspective. I'd be willing to bet his common law wife would say there's a lot wrong with and a lot of harm in that. I would be very concerned if the guy I was living with still thought about and missed an old lover. I don't think he's being very fair to either of you. But it's good that you're not ready to let him play you again.[/QUOTE]


The only thing is, is that his Common-law wife will have no reason to feel insecure, or even be concerned about the things that he has said, did and wrote (love letters) to me; as she is not even aware that we were involved before he agreed to take her back. As far as she is concerned, she has a good, honest man. She doesn't know the side of him that I know.

She has no idea that he said things like, "I thought she would be gone by now, or I thought she would have found another man by now." He would even tell me what her mother was like, and the stress/problems that she caused.

A few times over the past six months, he even asked me if I was going to come and see him; and I told him that I can't. I told him that he chose to stay with his partner and work out their problems, that we have gone in different directions now (he told me that he had no other direction to go, and he asked me if I was trying to make him sad), and that we are now part of each other's pasts.

And that is when he said that he still misses me and thinks about me, as there is no harm in that.


Kellyann





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