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I don't know what to do. I have been with my boyfriend for 9.5 years. It has been a relationship characterized by massive highs and lows. I have been with him since I was 20. He has major anger management problems. He is either absolutely adorable, about 70% of the time, or gets angry and is verbally abusive-calling me all the names under the sun, following me around the apartment to harrass me and scream at me.

He is also very negative, always venting his anxieties and complaints at me to the point that I feel sick and anxious too, whereas I am a naturally positive person and hate worrying.

The last time, I brought him some films from our local library that I thought he would like. I had worked all morning and he wanted me to watch the films with him. I said that I want to lie down for an hour first and he got annoyed that saying I never want to watch the films he likes. I told him I just want to lie down for an hour as I felt exhausted. He then grabbed me shoe and started pounding it into the floor, shouting bitch, whore etc. I have never looked at another man in the whole ten years we were together, and I get to be called names like that.

I know this is not much of a life. I have butterflies in my stomach 365 days a year, whether we are fighting or not as I know that a fight is usually just around the corner. He has no capacity for self-reflection at all and as much as I tell him these patterns of behaviour are destroying us, he can't control them when he is in the moment.

I am now in a hotel. This is my second night here. I refuse to stay in a house where I am abused like that. However I just can't seem to leave him for good. I don't have a clue where I would go. I don't have a close bond with my mother who has no maternal instincts whatsoever by her own admission, and is over-critical of everything I do, even at my age. My dad lives abroad and has a girlfriend I have never met.

Because of the very insular upbringing I had, I never managed to make a lot of friends and though I have some beautiful fantastic girlfriends, I can't exactly go and live with them. I don't know why I am so petrified of being on my own. Maybe it's not knowing where I would live. We now live in North America whereas I am originally from the UK. Would I go back there? Start a career from scratch?

I feel so alone, so sick. Noone knows about this as I don't like to burden people and most of my friends already think I should have left him a long time ago. They are right. Before meeting him, I was a mess. I was very socially anxious after the childhood I had and was seeing a cousellor. I am just scared that I would crumble into a big mess alone.

The other problem is that a couple of years ago we started a business, and it is actually starting to do really well. I hate the fact that I have invested so many hours in something that is starting to be so great and could actually give us a comfortable life.

I know I should leave him. Why can't I? What is wrong with me? Maybe I hate myself so much that I don't think I deserve to be happier than this? Maybe if we got anger-management, we would be ok? When I dream of leaving him, I always dream that I will meet some amazing man who will give me a calm, serene, happy life. Why can't I dream of leaving him on my own?

I am also proud. I will not go back there until he apologises which because he is emotionally retarded, he won't. He will also try to hurt me more by only calling me up to get me to look after the business. I dream of running away somewhere, joining an environmental group or something.

I am trying to be calm, but inside I am dying. I know love shouldn't hurt like this. But I worry that life on my own will hurt more.

Please help me. I am so lost. I am usually a strong person but now feel like I just want to go to sleep and not deal with this anymore. Not really, but inside I am just in so much pain, holding on to the times he is great as an excuse not to leave when I know that I am destined to live a life of pain if I stay. Any advice would be much appreciated.
[QUOTE=floating_gal;3974447]I don't know what to do. I have been with my boyfriend for 9.5 years. It has been a relationship characterized by massive highs and lows. I have been with him since I was 20. He has major anger management problems. He is either absolutely adorable, about 70% of the time, or gets angry and is verbally abusive-calling me all the names under the sun, following me around the apartment to harrass me and scream at me.

He is also very negative, always venting his anxieties and complaints at me to the point that I feel sick and anxious too, whereas I am a naturally positive person and hate worrying.

The last time, I brought him some films from our local library that I thought he would like. I had worked all morning and he wanted me to watch the films with him. I said that I want to lie down for an hour first and he got annoyed that saying I never want to watch the films he likes. I told him I just want to lie down for an hour as I felt exhausted. He then grabbed me shoe and started pounding it into the floor, shouting bitch, whore etc. I have never looked at another man in the whole ten years we were together, and I get to be called names like that.

I know this is not much of a life. I have butterflies in my stomach 365 days a year, whether we are fighting or not as I know that a fight is usually just around the corner. He has no capacity for self-reflection at all and as much as I tell him these patterns of behaviour are destroying us, he can't control them when he is in the moment.

I am now in a hotel. This is my second night here. I refuse to stay in a house where I am abused like that. However I just can't seem to leave him for good. I don't have a clue where I would go. I don't have a close bond with my mother who has no maternal instincts whatsoever by her own admission, and is over-critical of everything I do, even at my age. My dad lives abroad and has a girlfriend I have never met.

Because of the very insular upbringing I had, I never managed to make a lot of friends and though I have some beautiful fantastic girlfriends, I can't exactly go and live with them. I don't know why I am so petrified of being on my own. Maybe it's not knowing where I would live. We now live in North America whereas I am originally from the UK. Would I go back there? Start a career from scratch?

I feel so alone, so sick. Noone knows about this as I don't like to burden people and most of my friends already think I should have left him a long time ago. They are right. Before meeting him, I was a mess. I was very socially anxious after the childhood I had and was seeing a cousellor. I am just scared that I would crumble into a big mess alone.

The other problem is that a couple of years ago we started a business, and it is actually starting to do really well. I hate the fact that I have invested so many hours in something that is starting to be so great and could actually give us a comfortable life.

I know I should leave him. Why can't I? What is wrong with me? Maybe I hate myself so much that I don't think I deserve to be happier than this? Maybe if we got anger-management, we would be ok? When I dream of leaving him, I always dream that I will meet some amazing man who will give me a calm, serene, happy life. Why can't I dream of leaving him on my own?

I am also proud. I will not go back there until he apologises which because he is emotionally retarded, he won't. He will also try to hurt me more by only calling me up to get me to look after the business. I dream of running away somewhere, joining an environmental group or something.

I am trying to be calm, but inside I am dying. I know love shouldn't hurt like this. But I worry that life on my own will hurt more.

Please help me. I am so lost. I am usually a strong person but now feel like I just want to go to sleep and not deal with this anymore. Not really, but inside I am just in so much pain, holding on to the times he is great as an excuse not to leave when I know that I am destined to live a life of pain if I stay. Any advice would be much appreciated.[/QUOTE]





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