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hi everyone!!!
I been working out of town this last week, called my g/f tried to call her and no answer? home or cell, no text messages or anything? (over the weekend) Friday thru Sunday Night.
When I got home I ask her where she was over the weekend? she won't tell me, she just says ''just out thats all'' I ask her alone or with someone? where and what she did? she won't say just out is all she says.
my friendly neihbor comfirm to me that she was gone all three days.
It kinda up-sets me that she won't let me know.
Guess its not any of my bussiness?

Maybe I shouldn't care, we did make a pac that were both free to do and see who ever we please.
I just thought to each other maybe I took that wrong? I HAVE NO Ideal where she was? or even if she was with someone?
she is so stobborn and it just iterates me.
maybe theres not anything to this?
she seems glad to see me back ect,,ect,,?
I'M JUST A LITTLE WORRIED THATS ALL.
chevy you know how I feel about this woman.....

she doesn't treat you right

she would not accept that kind of answer from you if you were missing in action for 3 days straight.......

she has different rules for you and for her......
If you agreed to a pact that each of you can do and see whomever you please, then you gave up your right to question her. Even if she went out of town with another man, you agreed to this arrangement.

If you really didn't want to agree to it, why did you?
What a dangerous pact, for all I know, lol. Unless she is preparing a big and happy surprise for you?

Does the pact also forbid you to ask questions?

Pacts can be changed, but both parties must be heard. Perhaps a clause could be inserted allowing for transparence. Both of you could still go out with other people, but both of you would have the right to know what is going on, not all the details.

Anyway, I find that kind of relationship too great a risk for any couple. I don't think you are protecting yourselves enough by allowing this kind of pact.
chevy if you're free to do whatever you please and see whoever you want, she's not your girlfriend.....she's just some girl you date....

don't confuse the two.....she's not committing, you shouldn't either!
I don't know why anyone would agree to such an arrangement! Either you are exclusive or not, and if you are not ready ...why bring it up at all? You are usually free to see others unless you reach a level and agreement where neither of you even want too anymore.

Now, that being said.......it seems you have no leg to stand on with your questions...but if you are certain that she would want to know...if the shoe were on the other foot, then leave for the weekend, and don't answer your phone......if when you return she has a problem with that, then throw all your cards back on the table and start over, and don't agree to seeing others if that isn't what you want from this relationship.
Well we did agree to a pact, but it was only until we were intmate, and we have been, everything seems to be ok with all that, I'm sure she would want to know if I left out like that without any notice what so ever.
As for as I know...she don't have a suprise for me...

I guess it should not bother me where she goes but it does who she sees ect,,ect,,...what if she had an affair? and I catch something from her..is that the only way to tell if she was out with someone?
I personally don't think she was but I'm having a little hard time that she won't tell me where she was over the weekend?
maybe one poster was right I have no right to question her?

This woman is werid believe me, I can't tell what she up to from one minute to the other, one minute she is so precious to me, cooks & cleans my place does my laundry buys me things shirts and stuff like that, she warms me sooo much and sometimes she does this to me?

SHE PULL THIS ONCE BEFORE WHEN SHE WAS NOT AT HER PLACE AND I SEEN HER COME IN LATE NIGHT after I was getting off work, SHE THEN NEVER WOULD LET ME KNOW WHERE OR WHAT SHE WAS DOING ''JUST OUT'' SHE ALWAYS SAYS.

Should I just let this go? never question her?...where is the trust ? I think she thinks I don't trust her but I do..its just that I'd kinda like to know where she was and what she was doing this last weekend why she never answered my calls ect,,ect,,
yes were both free to do as we please but that was before we
BOTH committed to each other, the first time we made love is when that happen.
I just don't know what to do , I want to know where her where abouts was and she won't tell me like its a big secret to her...I guess I'm beginning to not trust her, she could at least let me know where she was, I told her I was worried sick about her...I almost left work and flew back home.
if I did that I would have been let go, I need my job I just don't need the Drama and heartache, it stresses me out way to much.
The thing is I trust her with my bussiness, its just some extra income, commercial business property I own....But that is taken care of with my tennants I do trust them to pay there rent.
which they always do , other than that I have no clue what she was up to?
and of course she is not on my bank accounts or any legal business of mine.
not yet anywayz!! grrrr
chevy I remember that time you're talking about.....
you need to disappear for a weekend and see how she reacts.....
and don't discuss your whereabouts.....
fair is fair, start treating her like she treats you!
Does she know the "pact" is off? Did the two of you discuss it, or are you just assuming that since you two have been intimate that the pact is automatically off?

If you've discussed being exclusive and you've both agreed, then you do have the right to ask if she's been with anyone else. Be prepared for her to 1) get offended 2) refuse to answer or 3) tell the truth, but resent you for not trusting her. I personally would want to know, not only for health reasons but for emotional reasons too.

I am glad you didn't jeopardize your job just to fly home and check up on her. That certainly wouldn't have been a good move.

I'd sit down with her and ask...are the two of you an exclusive couple or not? She can be nice to you without being exclusive, you know. If you want answers you are going to have to have a talk with her. Wondering and stressing out are doing you no good at all.
[QUOTE=chevyman;3975052]
I guess it should not bother me where she goes but it does who she sees ect,,ect,,...what if she had an affair? and I catch something from her..is that the only way to tell if she was out with someone?
I personally don't think she was but I'm having a little hard time that she won't tell me where she was over the weekend?
maybe one poster was right I have no right to question her?
[/QUOTE]

See, if I was in a relationship, I would not leave my man to wonder like crazy where I was. That's just not fair. It's not fair to you at all. You have every right to question her politely. It is wrong of her to do this to you. You two have been in a relationship for long enough now that she should keep you informed of things like this and not leave you wondering. I would care that my boyfriend would be quite concerned about what I was doing that I would glady keep him informed. I would want to know what he was up to all that time too. It's what you'd call being considerate of the other person that is in your life.
Sounds to me like she is hiding something.
Either that, or she is just very very independent and is really trying to enjoy the feeling of being free and not having to explain herself to anyone. (?)
Personally, I think you deserve better than this.
Thanks Guys I certainly appreciate your input.
Well we had our first fight tonight it was pretty bad I got down on her pretty mean, she called me tonight and I ask her one more time where she was over the weekend being gone three days like she was she simply said ''just out thats all just out''...that pissed me off and I lite into her, I said you think thats funny do you? she said we'll..and thats what made me lose it, the way she said ''we'll.... I told her maybe we should just stop seeing each other, I'm a little upset maybe I won't think about this so much tomorrow but I just yelled at her maybe for no reason I hung up and she never called me back, the thing here is she is the type to come back with ''Well if thats the way you want to be''and put this all off on me when i never did anything but question her where abouts,I know she would be very up-set with me if I was the one out for three days and nights not knowing where I was or anything no calls no nothing for three days, hell this would not set to well with the perfect married couple...would it?
so heres my question should I just sux it up and let it go or try to get to the truth?
I Love her more than anyone I've eve known so much I do want to marry her but if her attitude/trust don't change this old boy will be a free man before to long....I promise you guys that.
I can't understand why you're still trying with her. You've had nothing but problems with her from the beginning. This is your chance to get rid of her and start fresh with someone new.

I'm sorry but there is no excuse for her to not tell you where she was, unless she was out doing something she knows you would not approve of, and that's why she isn't telling you. I'm sure she probably got together with some other guy and that's why she isn't saying anything. For that reason alone you should dump her!

If she won't ever tell you where she was (and at this point, I wouldn't believe her even if she did say something about where), then why are you still trying so hard to save this farce of a relationship? It's such a waste of your time! You know darn well she wouldn't put up with you pulling the same trick on her, so don't you let her do it to you!

Get rid of this one, she has been bad news since you first started dating her!!
Chevy, this looks like a tug of war, doesn't it?

Don't know what to advise... Hmm, maybe cool off first, have a serious conversation and make a new pact. A more realistic and mature pact, if anything.

Don't talk about marriage, though. And don't go to bed in order to resolve your differences. And don't fool yourself into thinking that you really love her more than anyone you have ever known. Too much love for anyone is a two-edged knife.

If she refuses to talk or to commit herself, better to leave her alone.
chevy my advice is walk away

she's playing games, it's like a power trip for her. she's in control, because she has something you want (information on her whereabouts), and she's not giving it to you, it's almost like she's saying nah nah nah nah

tell her goodbye and have a nice life.
At worst she spent the weekend with some guy, at best she is playing mind games with you by not telling you where she was. Either way it doesn't bode well for the relationship.
tryst is right. Either she was with someone, or she wants you to believe she may have been with someone. I hate that attitude of "well, if you want to leave, go! I won't stop you." Because what you want is for her to say that she loves you and wants the relationship to work. But from day one, she's put it all on you...like, she's saying that if you want to stick around that's fine but she isn't going to ask you to.

If she were as into you as you are into her, she wouldn't be copping this casual attitude. She'd say she wants you with her and doesn't want you to leave her. The fact that she doesn't...means it doesn't make much difference to her if you're there or not.

Your love isn't being returned...I don't say let it go and stay with her. I say, if you want to be loved as much as you love, you'll have to look elsewhere.
I suppose you guys are right, I don't think she was with someone, she to shy to get out like that, I'm thinking maybe she did meet someone at her ''girls night out'' ''thingy but even if she did its way to soon for her to even think of doing something like this, I'm kinda thinking she either went to the movies or a chruch social, or some kind of mini bible camp and she just got a motel room and was doing that sorta thing, to be honest with you guys I really have no idea what she was out doing, I just don't understand why she won't tell me?
maybe it is a controling thing with her or maybe I'm just jumping the gun here?
if she pulls this thing about ''well if thats the way you want it'' or'' if thats what you want''
I'm simply going be a straight shooter with her and be open and honest with her and let her know when two peole love each other they don't play games with one another and there always honest and trustworthy, so if she don't tell me where she was and what she was doing (which she probably won't) ''stobborn''
I'm going to end this realtionship and probably never date another woman... for a long time anywayz.

I'm so tired of trying and making things work with women, its like I give them what they want either good sex or just meterial things and then I'm history.
Ironic as this seems or how foolish it maybe....I always thought when you give a woman wonderful fantastic sex they would stay with you forever.

I would much rather have love from someone and not have the other things in life that makes life comfortable (the luxury's) to me that is what love is a luxury and a privillage to be with one another to share lifes ups and downs to be join into a bond that only the two can understand.

I am a mild manner kind of guy it takes a lot to piss me off and I suppose they take advantage of that, this girl never did that with me and I 'm crazy but thats what I liked about her in the first place.
she was always so sweet and thoughtful and she has a head on her shoulders, she is not just the average girl she is much different from what I'm a custom to thats what caught my eye with her and her beauty.

I need to get back to work thanks guys I appreciate each and everyone of you.
Well, I wouldn't give up on women, maybe just don't be so giving in hopes they stay.....

The problem as I see it is the agreement you two made in the beginning about seeing other people, which left the doors wide open....I also had that same agreement w/ my the man I am with now, until we both said to each other to make a commitment(BOTH, of us spoke it)....But, in the agreement that we did make is to "respect"...not have the trust there, but the "respect" that we would be honest with one another and open. If we dated someone else, beings we were sexually involved out of pure respect for the other one is to tell with out being asked. So why didn't you two have that agreement when you decided to have an open relationship? With out that, you have the right to ask her where she was beings it is a concern if she is sexually involved w/ someone else, but you can not demand it or get upset when she acts as if she is hiding something. Maybe explain it to her that you don't want to control her, but you two should be honest if you are with someone else.


Most people I know that would answer a question like that as she did, especially if they are involved in some way are people that basically are telling you its "none of your business"...which, to me I find a little disrespectful.....

I agree w/ some of the post here of just go out yourself and don't pre-warn her, you also don't have to answer to her either....give it a bit of a challenge if you want her.....Remember people want a challenge in their life, especially a female...it makes it more wanting if you think there is a possibility you can't have it...and the ultimatum of what you was thinking is the wrong way....very wrong....just go out, and tell her your not upset, but she is right, you two don't answer to one another....Then you will see how upset she gets that she might lose you.....
[QUOTE=chevyman;3974873]

Maybe I shouldn't care, we did make a pac that were both free to do and see who ever we please.
.[/QUOTE]



Just to make sure that I did understand that there was an open relationship here, I back read. With all that being said, actually until you two made the verbal commitment to only date each other and only WANT to date each other, that she is not even considered your g/f.......

Years ago I dated a guy that we had the same agreement, we could see other people, but we did say out of respect that we let the other one know, even if it wasn't something serious....Well for the 3 months I dated him, I really liked him and didn't date anyone else, and when he did, I just had to say nothing, after all I agree to the "open relationship"..and believe me I didn't like it....So one day, I was so upset because he blew me off to go out w/ this other girl that was coming to town...Actually, it made me so mad that I was cancelled out because she had to drive a ways to see him that I chose to go out myself and have a good time w/ my friends....I started to do that more and did meet other men as well, one which I started dating....Well to make a long story short....the man that was in the agreement and done what he wanted and made me feel like I wasn't that important found out, he was very upset....My world no longer revolved around him..and he then wanted a one on one relationship...but it was too late...damage was done when I was made to feel I was second.....It sucks that games are played, but that is something that seems will never stop....
Yes mam I understand what you mean.
I always figured if your in a romatic realtionship its automatic that the respect comes from both? and the trust!

Even if there was once an agreement to be
free and see who ever we wanted,
if both live up to that agreement then every things fine...I agree with that, but we broke that pact, and commited ourselfs to each other the night we had intimacy.

We don't live togather we have our own places sometimes she comes over stays the weekend with me(she loves to swim )I have a pool, so its convenient, sometimes I go over to her place while she catches up on some of her work and she needs a good meassage or she cooks a good dinner, sometimes we just go out on a date..movies a good play dine out or a walk in the park, we been doing that a lot . and usally when she comes over to my place we do enjoy the intimacy, we do it at her place too but I'm uncomfortable there (remember this is a widow) of 12 years of marrige and its been about 8 years sinse her hubbys death. SHE STILL HAS HER HUBBYS PICS ON THE END TABLES HIS CLOTHS IN THE CLOSET AND ALWASY SPEAKS OF HIM IN PAST TENSE ''WE THIS'' WE THAT'' WE USE TO'' ECT,,,ECT,,, but the thing there is they were on the verge of divorce she mention that to me that there marrige was all but over at the time of his death...so go figure that one out.....beats me why she is the way she is??

I don't think it would up set her if I did go out with other women she is a non-shalon kind of person she has no emotions or she don't show any
visual emotions that I can see anyway and she is a non affectionate person, I am both I love to have affection and show my affection... so see we are two worlds apart why were in this realtionship I don't know?
I had an attraction for her and thats when it started so I guess she had attraction for me as well .
This realtionship has been ongoing for over a year now and we both have moved closer to one another.( romaticly speaking)

I guess she just don't want me to know what she did and keep me wondering?
Maybe thats a thrill to her? I'm sure she never went out with another man I know her to well for that, so this leaves me thinking that what ever she did she may think its not a big deal to me as it would be with her, like she is big in crafts as a hobby that kind of stuff don't intrest me what so ever so maybe she just went to a craft show or something?..I just need to stop worrying about this and get on with this realtionship that seems to be what she wants.
Ill give her the benefit of the doubt (this time)
I just better not end up with an std and thats all I have to say about it.
[QUOTE=chevyman;3976935]
Even if there was once an agreement to be
free and see who ever we wanted,
if both live up to that agreement then every things fine...I agree with that, but we broke that pact, and commited ourselfs to each other the night we had intimacy.

[/QUOTE]

are you sure about that? did you both agree to that or are you assumming that since you were intimate the pact was broken?
Yes, you can't assume that just because you had sex, she made a commitment to you. You say you know for a fact she couldn't possibly have been with another man because you "know" she's not like that, but really, if you aren't officially together as a couple, she really wouldn't be doing anything wrong or even immoral.

You may say you're going to let it go and just continue on with the relationship as though nothing happened...but you still remember the first time it happened and you two weren't even dating yet! I doubt that you'll be able to forget about it...I think it's going to eat away at the back of your mind forever unless you get an answer.
Yeah rose & Red,
I'm pretty sure were commited to each other, it took her about 5 or 6 dates before she would even let me put my arm around her, and about 6 weeks before I kissed her (which she liked) anyway she said she had to think long and hard to go out with me, she had a lot off offers and guys hit on her all the time she is just to shy, I'm the luckly one.

Anyway as for as the pact we had its all gone now,the night we made love she told me she love me and I told her I Love her, she then put her finger on my lips and said ''I don't won't to be with anyone else'', I put my finger on her lips and said the same thing.
before that you guys remember how she would never tell me she loves me...well I guess it took intimacy for her to tell me that ..so we did agree that we make it exclusive.
the only thing we agree to was pushing each other buttons the wrong way but to explore each others side and our personality thats the only way to trully get to know each other and keep it honest.

As for as trusting her I do and I just feel that what ever she was doing on that perticular weekend was something christian oreinted.
even tho she is not a big religion fanatic, she does believe, so with that thats what I don't understand about her...I refuse to think she was with another man.
I think I just jump the gun on this one!
well chevy if you are in a committed relationship, that's no way for a woman to act.....go missing in action for a weekend and stay mum about her whereabouts even when asked? I still say it's disrespectful. She's got you right where she wants you.....she does what she wants and doesn't have to answer to you. Like I said before, try it yourself......disappear for a few days and when you return and she asks where you were just tell her you were just "out".....see how far that flies......really.....
Chevy, just don't fall into the trap of being over-accomodating. I know that happened in your last relationship, and I don't want that for you this time. It IS ok to stand up for yourself, and to say NO sometimes, and to ask for what you want, and to say if something is unacceptable.

Don't let anyone take advantage of your good nature. You deserve to get what you need out of this relationship too! It's not all about what you can do for her, it should be mutual.
There must be a lot I am missing here...She's not one to show she has any emotions, not affectionate, open or anything, correct?....She is a widow, that was on a verge of a divorce, correct? How much do you really know about this woman? Maybe she is still feeling guilty over her husbands death for some reason.. It sounds to me you want to give her the benefit of the doubt only because you know that you will lose her if you stand up to her...true? She must be one of those women that men go ga-ga over and you feel on the top of the world to be lucky enough to have such a beauty that you say is "your woman"....Have I hit it yet?
[QUOTE=chevyman;3976935]Yes mam I understand what you mean.
I always figured if your in a romatic realtionship its automatic that the respect comes from both? and the trust!

Even if there was once an agreement to be
free and see who ever we wanted,
if both live up to that agreement then every things fine...I agree with that, but we broke that pact, and commited ourselfs to each other the night we had intimacy.

We don't live togather we have our own places sometimes she comes over stays the weekend with me(she loves to swim )I have a pool, so its convenient, sometimes I go over to her place while she catches up on some of her work and she needs a good meassage or she cooks a good dinner, sometimes we just go out on a date..movies a good play dine out or a walk in the park, we been doing that a lot . and usally when she comes over to my place we do enjoy the intimacy, we do it at her place too but I'm uncomfortable there (remember this is a widow) of 12 years of marrige and its been about 8 years sinse her hubbys death. SHE STILL HAS HER HUBBYS PICS ON THE END TABLES HIS CLOTHS IN THE CLOSET AND ALWASY SPEAKS OF HIM IN PAST TENSE ''WE THIS'' WE THAT'' WE USE TO'' ECT,,,ECT,,, but the thing there is they were on the verge of divorce she mention that to me that there marrige was all but over at the time of his death...so go figure that one out.....beats me why she is the way she is??

I don't think it would up set her if I did go out with other women she is a non-shalon kind of person she has no emotions or she don't show any
visual emotions that I can see anyway and she is a non affectionate person, I am both I love to have affection and show my affection... so see we are two worlds apart why were in this realtionship I don't know?
I had an attraction for her and thats when it started so I guess she had attraction for me as well .
This realtionship has been ongoing for over a year now and we both have moved closer to one another.( romaticly speaking)

I guess she just don't want me to know what she did and keep me wondering?
Maybe thats a thrill to her? I'm sure she never went out with another man I know her to well for that, so this leaves me thinking that what ever she did she may think its not a big deal to me as it would be with her, like she is big in crafts as a hobby that kind of stuff don't intrest me what so ever so maybe she just went to a craft show or something?..I just need to stop worrying about this and get on with this realtionship that seems to be what she wants.
Ill give her the benefit of the doubt (this time)
I just better not end up with an std and thats all I have to say about it.[/QUOTE]


I just thought of something......It is obvious she is still hanging on to the the husband,(you say everything is there as if he exists) I am still sensing guilt here for some reason on that one.....But, when did her husband pass away?..How close was she to his family?....Maybe her and her husband made a pact as well, that she would never feel towards another man as she did him, and that is why she is unable to be close and affectionate with you..Are you sure her get a way wasn't connected to his family or something to do w/ him?...She don't want to tell you if it was beings you are the one in her life now and she still has not got over the absents of her husband.....I would direct that conversation about her husband a little more right now and see if that is the connection.....Did that make any sense?
[QUOTE=dolejaly;3977820]I just thought of something......It is obvious she is still hanging on to the the husband,(you say everything is there as if he exists) I am still sensing guilt here for some reason on that one.....But, when did her husband pass away?..How close was she to his family?....Maybe her and her husband made a pact as well, that she would never feel towards another man as she did him, and that is why she is unable to be close and affectionate with you..Are you sure her get a way wasn't connected to his family or something to do w/ him?...She don't want to tell you if it was beings you are the one in her life now and she still has not got over the absents of her husband.....I would direct that conversation about her husband a little more right now and see if that is the connection.....Did that make any sense?[/QUOTE]

No I'm not afraid of her rejecting me, I would not be in this realtionship if I was afraid of that!
I'm not her ''Neanderthal'' nor her ''sugar daddy'' I'm her best friend and she my best friend.

I'm sure her and her ex had a pact at one time, but as she said there marrige was all but over when he passed away.
I think she has a closure of her hubbys death.
Her speaking in a past tense manner about him is out of habit I would think?
after all they were married 11 or 12 years..not sure how long?
Close to that.

I'm sure she never went to visit her hubbys family she never liked them, her hubbys been gone 8 years.

Her family lives far away, she has just a few friends but not close friends
why she still has her ex's presence around I'm not sure why? she talks about him some, but she don't like me to ask questions about him , he was phyiscal abusive to her during there last 5 or so years of her marrige, he committed infildelity aginst her serveral times, he was a no good drunk from what I was told.

I think she was insucure/scared after his death, she was responsable for everything and being alone I can understand that.
she didn't trust anyone, finding out how the real world really was, how some people are dis-honest how most men only wants that one thing.

She is very independent setting her ways and thats a good thing, its just that now she knows I'm not like most men, and I've help her cope with a lot of different issues that were negitive ones and I actually helped her get her life back on track....not by giving her things being meterialistic, but by listening to her and being there for her when no one else would all on an unconditional bases.
I never throwed myself at her/or presuered her smoothered her, what she seen with me is what she got/I was up front with her from the get go.
Don't get me wrong here..now there was an attraction with both of us.

I care deeply for her and she realizes that I'm sincere honest and a good man, not to be braggin on myself but thats just the truth.

I boost her ego/selfesteem maybe?.. but thats something I want to do, I want to make her happy and forget about her ugly married past.
I don't feel sorry for her or do I have an infatuation with her.
to me she is the real deal here.

I don't think she doubts my love to her, I think maybe she is just still messed up a little from being with her abusive hubby for so long and she forgot that theres still some nice decent men out there.
she never dated after his death I'm her first, and I've mention to her before we become an exclusive couple that she was free to burn any bridges or explore her options with other men, she said no she wants me..and some how I fell deeply in Love with her,and I'm sure she Loves me,Its just that I'm not use to the way she shows her love and affection to me..maybe I just need to get use to that?

we both need to explore with each other /getting to know each other better than we know ourselfs...and were actually doing that at this time.
chevy how can you get to know her if she won't open up?
she WANTS to keep secrets......
Well I'm working on that rose!
I think she is just the kind of person that bottles stuff up and never lets it out, I want her to open up with me and feel that she is comfortable to do so.
we have been talking about her being like that, so for she can't explain why she is like that, actually she said she never knew she was?
I said well you know now eh!
Chevy, how come you're so convinced she was at some church function last weekend? And if she was, why won't she tell you? I can't imagine that I'd be so secretive about attending a church event! It may not be another man, maybe it's something she doesn't want you to know about that involves something else. But to keep saying "just out" when you asked where she was all weekend...and for you to be so agitated that you almost left work (risking your job) because you were so worried...I'd feel bad if it were me and I certainly wouldn't just keep repeating "just out" when I knew how upset my guy was!

Blind trust is a nice idea, but she's being secretive...I'd wonder why.
Red I just don't know why?
As for as why I think she went to a chruch funtion she is just a christian oriented type person, a do gooder if you will/and she loves crafts, not much on the social norm if you know what I mean...she don't like to be around a lot of people that sorta thing, she don't know how to have fun.

she is just so passive I guess? she seems to care less if I Love her or not...if I say anything about it or question her where abouts she seems to think I may not trust her or either its her bussiness to do what she feels like doing, I'm trying my best to know why?
its certainly a slap in my face if she thinks its not any of my bussiness what she does!
I'm trying to find this out why she won't tell me in a way as if I'm not controling her (I'm not) and maybe thats what she is thinking? I just don't know?

and why she won't open up to me I just don't know? she says that she does.
chevy I've bitten my tongue about this woman, believe it or not, but now I'm just gonna lay it out there......
I think she's conniving and manipulative and she enjoys playing this little game with you.....I don't like the way she treats you and you keep making excuses for her and telling us how you guys are best friends, etc.....
I'm sorry I'm not buying it......I don't treat friends the way she treats you, especially not a best friend.....
when are you gonna take my advice and pull the same stuff on her??
disappear for a few days and don't answ your phone and just tell her you were out......
[QUOTE=chevyman;3978023]Red I just don't know why?
she is just so passive I guess? she seems to care less if I Love her or not...if I say anything about it or question her where abouts she seems to think I may not trust her or either its her bussiness to do what she feels like doing, I'm trying my best to know why?
its certainly a slap in my face if she thinks its not any of my bussiness what she does!
I'm trying to find this out why she won't tell me in a way as if I'm not controling her (I'm not) and maybe thats what she is thinking? I just don't know?

and why she won't open up to me she says that she does.[/QUOTE]

haha....passive? gimmee a break.....
she's not passive, she's manipulative and controlling......
If she doesn't care if you love her or not, then she can't possibly love you...sorry...

When I'm in love and in a relationship, I absolutely DO care if my partner loves me back! I want him to!

The only time I don't care if a guy loves me is if I don't really care much about him.

Chevy, this is settling and hoping for change...we all know that people don't change just because we want them to! I know you crave a woman who loves you back as much as you love her. This woman isn't going to suddenly change into a loving, affectionate, demonstrative person...it isn't in her. And for her not to care if you love her...it's just hoping for the impossible.
Chevy, was her husband the controlling and jealous type? Did he keep her on a short leash?

Personally, I think that if she were with another man, she would have made up someplace else that she was that weekend. She would have lied.

Maybe she wants to make sure that you know that she won't put up with controlling behavior. If that is the case, I think that she is totally going about it in the wrong way.

My father was like that toward my mother. He HAD to know where she was every second. He called her constantly and if she didn't answer her cellphone, he'd freak out. If she wasn't exactly where she said that she was going to be, he would freak out.

When I got with my husband I let him know that I had always been an independent woman and I didn't want him watching my every move like that. At first, I took it a bit too far and got mad at him if he did call looking for me. I had to chill out and realize that he is my husband and he has every right to be able to call me and know where I am, as long as it isn't too frequent.
trystme,
Are you asking me if I'm controling? or is she controlling?
either way I don't think either one of us are controlling, I trully believe this is a test with her a trust/ devotion test...she wants to see if I'm jelous and start to control her..thats what I think it is.
I think her hubby was a controlling man..he was phyiscal abusive to her so I'm thinking he was controlling her?

I don't care where she goes just as long as I know what it is or where it is...I want her to feel the same with me.

Rose,
As for as doing what you suggested thanks but if I did something like that sure she probably would be up-set, if I didn't tell her where I was or where I went. > I see your point but thats just playing games and I'm not like that, what would it solve?
Red,
As for as my statement''I don't think she cares if ''I lOVE HER OR NOT'' one way or the other''.
thats just my impression of her the way she makes me feel sometimes.
I do think she Loves me I get that vibe'' with her that she does I should'nt have said that and I apologize.
she just shows her Love like no other I've been with.
she different.
Maybe we both jump into this realtionship to soon?
we do need to get to know each other better (obvisouly)
I'm sure I found the Love of my life this time and I want to make this thing work.
maybe the new and excitement is wearing off on her part if thats possible? its not with me I think about her everyday/night and I admitt I'm crazy about this girl..maybe to crazy?
[QUOTE=chevyman;3978109]trystme,

Rose,
As for as doing what you suggested thanks but if I did something like that sure she probably would be up-set, if I didn't tell her where I was or where I went. > I see your point but thats just playing games and I'm not like that, what would it solve?[/QUOTE]


oh she'd probably be upset? so what?
does she care that you're upset that she won't tell you?
fair is fair, chevy
she's the one playing games, I'm just telling you to give her a taste of her own medicine.
what would it solve? it would show her how it feels.....
[QUOTE=chevyman;3978023]Red I just don't know why?
As for as why I think she went to a chruch funtion she is just a christian oriented type person, a do gooder if you will/and she loves crafts, not much on the social norm if you know what I mean...she don't like to be around a lot of people that sorta thing, she don't know how to have fun.

she is just so passive I guess? she seems to care less if I Love her or not...if I say anything about it or question her where abouts she seems to think I may not trust her or either its her bussiness to do what she feels like doing, I'm trying my best to know why?
its certainly a slap in my face if she thinks its not any of my bussiness what she does!
I'm trying to find this out why she won't tell me in a way as if I'm not controling her (I'm not) and maybe thats what she is thinking? I just don't know?

and why she won't open up to me I just don't know? she says that she does.[/QUOTE]



OK, now your confusing me...stop that...LOL....Well, maybe its how you approached her that she felt she was answering to you rather than just felt like a normal conversation....Maybe she felt like she was put on the spot when you asked her, try explaining yourself to her, as you said you two are best friends, so you shouldn't have an issue there....

But, I do think you are wrong on the husband thing..There is a reason a person that says they were abused in a marriage that it was horrible would hang onto pics, clothes, etc...Now as far as conversations about what they might have did in the past, that is normal for anyone...But, hanging onto their stuff would lead me to a lot of questions....Many women go through the " I don't trust any man thing", but eventually we do let some one in and put the past behind us and she can not do that until she removes her past that she looks at every day. It sounds to me its time for a long VERY serious talk w/ her about you two and where she wants it to go, what she wants it to be, what you mean to her and what she expects and what you want of course...You say you are best friends, maybe she does look at you that way and does love you, but ask her if she is IN love with you. Make sure you both are on the same track and not an assumption...In a relationship having respect to not have to say "can I" to your partner or "answer" to your partner is respect....So again, maybe it might have sounded defensive to her how you approached her when you asked....

For about 3 years I had a male friend, my best friend, I loved him, but I was not in love with him, no we were never intimate, but we done everything together, like family vacations, spend nearly every day together, he was a great person and I cared for him dearly. I couldn't ask for a man that would treat me any better, he was my best friend as I said....But,(always a but huh?,LOL) No matter how I would try and think about him seriously as a commitment I just couldn't find it deep enough in my heart to feel towards him as I should as if we were a couple. He wanted more from me, he never really told me that but it was obvious, and I made it clear and never played games with him, but I couldn't fake being in love and feeling towards him the way he felt towards me....So maybe, a long talk to make sure she isn't looking at it the same way..I do agree w/ you on not doing as she done to make you feel the way you have(2 wrongs don't make a right), but maybe not offer her as much information on your where abouts might help, if your not a challenge in anyway you might also lose her, remember being the perfect guy doesn't always work.....But, definitely a talk does need to be done or your going to be going through more and confused in the end....
I'm at my house right now, just got off the phone with her she just called to see how my day was and that she was not coming over tonight she had a tiresome day at work and wants to go to bed earily.
I said ''sure alright I Love You '' she said ''You too bye''
I work a lot and I'm gone a lot on my job sometimes I'm gone all week but that should not make any diffrence unless maybe she does get lonely while I'm gone but with that said she would never go out with another man no matter what I just don't think she would.

she don't think nothing of her little ordeal last weeked*don't mention it unless I do.. to her is all forgotten, I may not ever find out where she went or what she did.

I understand what you mean about loving someone and being in love with someone, I'm deeply in Love with her but like you mention maybe she loves me but not in Love with me,9boy I thought she was in love with me :confused:
she does have a hard time telling me she loves me, I posted about that a while back, the only time she told me she Loves me is while we were making Love, I had the feeling she was in love with me but I jsut don't know anymore??
I can't talk to her like I want to or need to she want talk or just says things ''well I thought everything was going alright with us'' she says I've not changed ...Her way of telling me she loves me is = if I ask her'' why don't you ever say it'' ''say what?'' ''say you love me'''' she said ''well you know I do I don't need to say it thats crazy''......so go figure??

As for as her keeping her hubbys stuff I'm not sure about all that either, I'm like you if he was abusive to her and her marrige was on the rocks then why is she keeping all his stuff? makes no sense to me either, its not as bad as it use to be she has most of it in storage but theres a couple pics I despise when I'm over there...I even ask her to take them down she said she just wanted to leave them there because they been there for years and she looks at them and knows in her heart he's gone for good, I said well if you take them down wouldn't it give you the closure you need of him she said no??
Maybe she still love him? I suppose you can love someone after they die?? but I'm the one now in her life that she loves at least I thought I was...damn!

Maybe she still has feelings for him? but as she said to me life goes on. anyway we have had some heated agurments about that.

I just have trouble talKing with her I've tried to have a heart to heart and it just leads to her thinking that she thought things were ok between us and she has not changed thats all I get out of her.

So I just don't know what to do?..I may do as rose said and take a little weekend trip myself without telling her..and see what her respose will be? might end this realtionship but if she ''not IN Love'' with me ''only Loves'' me guess that will prove a point to me.
we'll see.
Thanks guys
She is telling you, the message is just in code. By saying "I haven't changed" she means, what you see is what you get. She isn't going to give you any more than what you've been getting. She is not going to morph into an affectionate, demonstrative woman who easily says "I love you". She is not going to tell you that you mean the world to her and she wants you with her always. It's always going to be "whatever you want, it doesn't matter".

YOU need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with a woman who will never say "I love you" first, who will never hug, cuddle or say sweet things, who will never give you the answers you are looking for or discuss what's important to you. If you desperately want those things (and I think you do, that's why you're posting so often about your relationship with her), you will have to look somewhere else.
chevy reading your last post it really jumped out at me what the problem is.....even though it should be obvious. The problem is communication. She doesn't communicate well and that could be by choice or just because she doesn't know how to. I think it's by choice, but you have to decide. Do you really want to spend your life with someone you can't communicate with? someone you can't even talk to? you keep saying you guys are best friends, but I communicate with my best friends, we can talk about anything. That's why they're my best friends! You deserve more, this woman just isn't deep enough for you and she doesn't even care!
Your right Rose....No communication is a definite key to destruction.....It sounds like she takes many things in life for granted, like she told him she loves him, and that's it, it should be known, no more words spoke of it(unless asked).....That is not good. Now I was always told what has more meaning to it, when someone tells you they love you after you asked them to, or they say they love you for no reason on their own?

How is she on accepting affection and being shown she is loved, does she pull back when it is shown towards her or acts like she really enjoys having someone show affection....

One thing I have found in ALL relationships that from their past relationship there is always 2 sides and knowing both, actually explains a lot. To me there is no reason to ever cheat on someone, but as she said her husband cheated, and with that maybe she was a very cold person to him as well and he loved certain things about her but like Chevy, he wanted affection and love in return, and she wouldn't give it, so he wandered......Not a good reason, but it happens....

How long has the relationship been going on? I'd say distance yourself a little, not completely, but a little and see what happens. It is better to know where you stand now than 2 yrs down the road when she tells you that she only loves you as a friend and you spent all that time trying to win her heart fully....You can't change her past you can only give her a brighter future but first she has to want it and let go of the negative from her past. You say there is trust in the relationship, but yet she don't trust you, she feels you will be like most men or she would give her heart fully....But, definitely have a long talk and very in depth...let her know it is important for you to know these things, you don't want to guess at things you want to know, because for one thing this is about your life as well....
Well, it could be a problem in communication, but usually a woman is good with words, and if there is a problem, she will probably deal with it verbally. Hmm, I don't know... but ok, let's assume there's a problem in the communication channel between you and her. But may I ask you: what do you do together, except going to bed to make love? I don't think there is much common or mutual activity for both of you. I may be wrong, but this could be an essentially (or exclusively) sexual relationship. The final objective is taking her to your or her bed. This is great, of course, but perhaps there is something missing here, for her in particular.

Chevy, may you forgive me if I have just written a lot of nonsense (bs, you say).
Thanks Guys.
I believe you are all right.
I think I'll just slow this thing down a little and stop my presueing her so much about certain things and just let things flow where they may.
At least she notices me when I'm quite...duh!

I think she thinks she is Gods Gift to men or to me.. or something like that and she has me wrapped around her little pinky.
she is just the most ''stubborn women I've ever known in my life.
I don't have anything that I can come back with that she don't have a ''reasonable'' answer to... and that pisses me off a great deal..and I know it should'nt.

Its hard to talk with her about things like this, she don't like to talk about intimacy(I understand that) most women don't.
she just always assumes that everything is alright when its not.

No her late hubby was not a good man he was mean to her, she is this type of woman that is weak in that respect , how she would just stay in the marrige and take all what he gave her (the abuse) the busted face the broken arms, the verbal abuse, the dealing with the neihbors and cops ect,,ect,, from what I know this went on for the last 5 years or so of there marrige...if she was cold to him at the last part of there marrige she had a right to be but as for as her driving him to cheat no I don't think it was that.
some say there marrige was shakeing from the start, the ones that new them..

she is blind to the fact that her marriage was a failure and I think thats what is bothering her and now with her late hubbys death she can't fix that and so she has this behavior problem that somehow affects her and the people she loves.
If I suggest therpy or any type of behavior counsling she gets up-set.

I just want to see her Happy and have a new life a comfortable life...with some that Loves her dearl that someone being me.

I Need to get back to work, going out of town on my job this weekend be gone a while.
thanks guys for all your input..I'l be thinking on what all you guys have mention and suggested.
Thanks.
Oh no pendulum.
I appreciate your input as well, post when ever you want or about what ever you want thats why were all luckly we have these healthboards.

AS for as the intimacy thats all fine...
We do a lot togather other than that...if I had it my way yeah I'd live in the bedroom...lol...
seriously we do things togather as a couple we go out to dine we may go see a movie, a play, we do charity events, we workout togather (exercise) and nah not in the bedroom lol...

we just do what ever comes up..I even go to the grocery store with her... we don't drink/ smoke so we don't do the happy hour thingy .
we do a lot of things to many to mention, I do spoil her on things like that maybe to much? but at the same time were both professional people.
Hi Chevy,

I could be way off base here but if her husband was abusive to her or just plain mean to her, some women still expect (or are used to) that kind of behavior and perhaps by not communicating to you her whereabouts, she is trying to push your buttons to see if "you" will become "mean" to her. I know women who go from one abusive partner to another, for reasons I can not fathom.

In any case, my view of a loving relationship is good communication. I don't see what's so difficult about telling one's partner where they are, where they have been, etc. And I do find it odd that she is still keeping photographs of her husband when she's involved with you. My first husband passed away and I will always love him in my own way but I don't keep photographs of him around. I do keep in touch with his mother as we were and still are very close.

Just some rambling thoughts,
Sunny





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