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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Oh, I think they feel it, especially if they are in love. But men are raised to be less emotional, to now show feelings, to be logical. So they have to show their peers that they aren't affected, that so what if she doesn't want to be with me, there are 100 others who do want to be! It does not mean that deep down inside he's not hurting, but he's been trained to hide it.

But Larry's is right that a lot of the time the men we love are not really in love with us so much as just happy to be in a relationship and to be having sex. Women become bonded hormonally and emotionally when they feel love and after having sex. Men don't have this attachment - they're just happy to skate along.

Just remember that you do not know what he's feeling inside; he's hiding it from everyone to save face. So even tho he's out "having fun", he may be crying (figuratively) in his bed every night when he's alone.
I never said all, I said a lot of guys and I said many. I even acknowledged there were exceptions. Because I know there are some guys out there with feelings. It's just a lot harder to find those guys because they are much more rare than those who just move on to the next one.
[QUOTE=Hollaatchaboy;3982556]No I am saying a man can date, sleep with and be in a boyfriend /girlfriend relationship and not love them. I think women can also. Many women claim to love men and later on he finds out it was BS. These men don't pretend to love them, that's different, they just are with them.

Women are the ones that pretend to love a man for years and then when someone richer or better looking comes along the men are out with the bathwater. Thats why many men today don't get too attached. They have seen this done to their fathers, brothers, uncles, friends ect..

It's not about what "a women" did to him but his realization on what relationships,monogomy, BBD's and "love" really is.[/QUOTE]

This is a generalization. You can't really say with any validity that "women", as an entire group, will toss a guy as soon as a guy who's "richer or better looking" comes along, every single time. Just like it's a generalization to say that no man truly loves a woman because he knows she's just using him until a better deal comes along.

Some people do this and some don't.

I truly loved (still do) my ex, but he can't see me feeling sad or wistful or nostalgic because I have not called him or gone by his place or e-mailed him telling him how I'm feeling. So as far as he knows, I'm dealing with it just fine. My feelings about the breakup are private and not for him to see. So maybe that's why some people seem to be dealing with breakups just fine...because, like me, they'll be darned if they'll let their ex see them cry.
[QUOTE=Redneon82;3982570]This is a generalization. You can't really say with any validity that "women", as an entire group, will toss a guy as soon as a guy who's "richer or better looking" comes along, every single time. Just like it's a generalization to say that no man truly loves a woman because he knows she's just using him until a better deal comes along.

Some people do this and some don't.

I truly loved (still do) my ex, but he can't see me feeling sad or wistful or nostalgic because I have not called him or gone by his place or e-mailed him telling him how I'm feeling. So as far as he knows, I'm dealing with it just fine. My feelings about the breakup are private and not for him to see. So maybe that's why some people seem to be dealing with breakups just fine...because, like me, they'll be darned if they'll let their ex see them cry.[/QUOTE]

The banks are led by greedy criminals is a generalization but generally it's true. Same principle applies. Not all but most.

I said many (not all) women do this and I base if first on what I have seen with women in my life, Aunts, cousins ect... Second on the divorce stats that show women file for and want divorce more. And FME these women (not all) that I speak of already has the next chump lined up!

Richer and better looking are subjective, just because she thinks that does not make is so, but in her eyes yes. I know you have had girlfriends that thought their man was "all that" and you think "I don't get it" same principle. She could bail for excitement, drama whatever the reason. Usually the guy is worse on all fronts.

Many men do date women and know she feels like she can do better. Men put up with alot as do women just different things to scar both genders.

Hiding feelings may be it but IMO and FME the people just don't care! If they did why the breakup? If what caused it was bad enough to cause it then why the remaining good feelings or love?
Men seem to compartmentalize much better then we do. They ignore their feelings and move on. I do know men that have been devastated by the loss of a love and have become depressed for long periods of time - and I know men that feel the need to have companionship is more important than mourning the loss.... Men are more action oriented which might explain them moving on quicker where we women are more cerebral - we want to figure it out before we move on and they simply want to forget it because they can't or don't know how to process it. I have noticed that the more sensitive and in touch with their feelings and women's feelings a man is - the more they mourn the loss.

Men tend to remarry more quickly then women do after they lose their wives to a death. Maybe they can't stand to be alone for long for a variety of reasons. I know a friend of mine passed and her husband starting dating and was married within 6 months. He was clueless on how to be alone.

I've also known men that are hurt by a loss but still start dating again and settle for someone that they aren't in love with but "fills their time".

Who knows... they say we are a mystery - they aren't a walk in the park to figure out either.
[QUOTE=TRP29;3981069]Why is it that men seem to be able to handle break-ups better than women? How is it that they are able to move on faster and start new relationships? My boyfriend of 5 years started casually dating after being broken up for 3 weeks, while I didn't even want to get out of bed & I was the one who broke up with him... Did he not really care about me/our relationship??[/QUOTE]

In general, men don't handle breakups better, they just hide it better. Just because he started casually dating doesn't mean he's over it. Men don't typically sit around and mope like women do... they are too proud. They get out there and try to get their minds off things. Also, after a breakup, a man's ego might be bruised, so he might go out and date very quickly to prove to himself that he can. Other times men date so quickly just to get their minds off of their ex, which in turn doesn't work because they usually end up comparing the new girl to their ex.
Overall, men just hide their feelings better. They act like everything is okay when they're hurting inside.
The only exception I see to that is if he is genuinely not in love anymore, and has been over the relationship for a while, even before it officially ended. In that case, it would be easier to move on because he started moving on before you even broke up.
[QUOTE=Mary83;3985522]In general, men don't handle breakups better, they just hide it better. Just because he started casually dating doesn't mean he's over it. Men don't typically sit around and mope like women do... they are too proud. They get out there and try to get their minds off things. Also, after a breakup, a man's ego might be bruised, so he might go out and date very quickly to prove to himself that he can. Other times men date so quickly just to get their minds off of their ex, which in turn doesn't work because they usually end up comparing the new girl to their ex.
Overall, men just hide their feelings better. They act like everything is okay when they're hurting inside.
The only exception I see to that is if he is genuinely not in love anymore, and has been over the relationship for a while, even before it officially ended. In that case, it would be easier to move on because he started moving on before you even broke up.[/QUOTE]


I agree with you that men don't handle them better if the guy truely loved the women. We do start dating quickly to show us that we are desired and do have the ability to attract women. Moping to men does not accomplish anything because we are not allowed to show weakness or have the social group support that women do. We have to pick ourselves up.

I would agree that some men compare the ex to the new interest but many realize that the ex (and her imaginary pedistal) were not as great as our minds had us believe. Plus to men new sex always clears the mind;)
[QUOTE=Hollaatchaboy;3985725]I agree with you that men don't handle them better if the guy truely loved the women. We do start dating quickly to show us that we are desired and do have the ability to attract women. [/QUOTE]

I was talking to a guy friend of mine about this yesterday and he said the same thing! He said that guys frequently get into relationships with girls they only like or maybe find attractive, but not with the intent that she will be "the one", just that she will be Miss Right Now. Because guys are not hung up on marriage and family like women are. He said that it's easier for guys to move on after a breakup because they are so frequently getting into relationships with women they like but are not madly in love with, while most women go into every relationship with her whole heart every time.

Sounds like a big problem that causes a lot of misunderstandings for women to assume a man feels just as much love for her and she does for him, only to come to find out later that he really just liked her a lot but didn't love her so it didn't matter as much when it ended. That's why it appears that guys get over it faster, because his feelings weren't as deep as hers to begin with.

My male friend also told me that guys don't have deep feelings about much of anything. He said that guys are more simplistic and superficial than women. Whereas women have deep thoughts and a lot of emotional involvement in everything, men just see things from a very shallow point of view. I figured that was true but it was nice to have it confirmed by a guy for once.
[QUOTE=Tivo123;3986318]I was talking to a guy friend of mine about this yesterday and he said the same thing! He said that guys frequently get into relationships with girls they only like or maybe find attractive, but not with the intent that she will be "the one", just that she will be Miss Right Now. Because guys are not hung up on marriage and family like women are. He said that it's easier for guys to move on after a breakup because they are so frequently getting into relationships with women they like but are not madly in love with, while most women go into every relationship with her whole heart every time.

Sounds like a big problem that causes a lot of misunderstandings for women to assume a man feels just as much love for her and she does for him, only to come to find out later that he really just liked her a lot but didn't love her so it didn't matter as much when it ended. That's why it appears that guys get over it faster, because his feelings weren't as deep as hers to begin with.

My male friend also told me that guys don't have deep feelings about much of anything. He said that guys are more simplistic and superficial than women. Whereas women have deep thoughts and a lot of emotional involvement in everything, men just see things from a very shallow point of view. I figured that was true but it was nice to have it confirmed by a guy for once.[/QUOTE]


Yes, I've said this over and over before. Unfortunately, when it comes from a woman, it's just chalked up to bitter rants and ramblings. Yes, it is nice to have a man cop to the truth. It's very important for women to know. We go through so much junk when someone we love breaks up with us, it is a huge help to know that it's most likely because he just didn't love us, was only using us, even went into it knowing it would never be much to him, and that's why he moved on so fast and so well.
[QUOTE=Tivo123;3986318]I was talking to a guy friend of mine about this yesterday and he said the same thing! He said that guys frequently get into relationships with girls they only like or maybe find attractive, but not with the intent that she will be "the one", just that she will be Miss Right Now. Because guys are not hung up on marriage and family like women are. He said that it's easier for guys to move on after a breakup because they are so frequently getting into relationships with women they like but are not madly in love with, while most women go into every relationship with her whole heart every time.
[/QUOTE]

Men won't admit to wanting a marriage and a family but many including myself do. I think that men will date a larger range of women than women do men. Men will date a women with the mentality "let's see who she really is and where it could go". IMO women are more set on certain triats ect.. that they look for and have a much more narrow interest.

Marriage is a tough thing for men these days. We have witnessed SO many failures it leaves us gun shy. The worst thing for many men IMO is she can take our kids from us and poisen them against us, it's a large concern. We have more to lose IMO.

Actions show love not words IMO the women FME usually has an inkling that he's not at the same place she is but IMO she tries to change that instead of deal with it.

I don't agree many men including me have very deep feelings because they are not shown is for many reasons. We just don't give them to every women or show them to every person. IMO Women show emotion more but lose love very quickly for reasons many men don't understand.

I heard this quote somewhere and I think it's accurate "Women fall in love faster, Men fall in love deeper".
[QUOTE=plasmodiumovale;3988502]As I read in a book, the key is for women to ignore everything he says and look at everything he DOES, to see how much he really loves you.

I know we all want to find the one who is so excited to marry us and make babies as soon as possible and will love us forever and be honest and faithful and responsible and devoted and truly in love for the rest of our lives... but most men just aren't THAT romantic :)

They may end up wanting marriage and a family when they are ready, but the DEPTH of their commitment may never be as "to the ends of the earth" as ours.

Notice in the movies when someone like Tristan is so in love he is willing to die for the love of his Isolde... she is a gorgeous perfect-looking perfect-acting multi-talented... fantasy.


I am completely devoted to my boyfriend and don't believe I could ever cheat. I have no desire to be with any other man. And I feel I KNOW that even if some other amazing guy came along trying to sweep me off my feet at a time my boyfriend and I weren't totally happy, I would say, "No thanks. I'm going home to my man."


PS: I agree men often only SEEM to be getting over a break-up faster. My ex could jump right into bed with other women, while I couldn't bear the thought of anyone touching me for a very long time. But I think emotionally, it took him as long to "get over" the break-up as it took me. Which was years. He just didn't want to seem weak by showing it for very long...[/QUOTE]


Actions are always the best indicator IMO I totally agree with that. We want to find the same things but SOO many women say they want that, like the idea but the reality is we seen to many uncles, brothers, cousins, fathers give that and get screwed! We don't have a faitytale mentality because like you said it's not! We are logical when it comes to something that could affect us like that IMO.

[I]
I am completely devoted to my boyfriend and don't believe I could ever cheat. I have no desire to be with any other man. And I feel I KNOW that even if some other amazing guy came along trying to sweep me off my feet at a time my boyfriend and I weren't totally happy, I would say, "No thanks. I'm going home to my man." [/I]

You say this but my experience and millions of other good men this means nothing. You can't predict the future and FME womens feelings change like seasons! Seen to many good men with women that he thought his women felt like you say you do, then next thing you know she is with the BBD.

If your man showed his weakness to you in the beginning or even now your attraction to him would plummet IMO. Mens actions are done to what you women respond to.
[QUOTE=emoprairiedog;3989506]I've heard that statistically married men can have many affairs but they are more willing to stay married and keep the family safe, [/QUOTE]

How exactly is breaking your marriage vows, turning away from your marriage and breaking your wife's trust and heart "keeping the family safe?" I can't even understand how a man can say he truly loves one woman and still sleep with another. I can't even wrap my mind around that.

This just proves the point that's been made, that the whole "it's just sex" thing is easier for men than women. The notion that women fall in love faster but men love deeper is a sweeping generalization that doesn't really address the question at hand. Why do men say they love you one day, and then turn around and leave you the next day, and the day after that they are in love with someone else? Perhaps when men DO fall in love, they love deeply, but the thing is, men date, have relationships with, and have sex with women they don't love. Women don't. They tend to see potential and hope in every relationship. And women leave the marriage and start over when the marriage has become unhealthy for her and harmful to her and her kids.

Personally I don't believe men fall in love more deeply than women. I just think men's egos get bruised by rejection more. For women it's a broken heart thing, for men it's more of an ego thing, a possessiveness thing. Like how a despondent woman may take her own life, but a despondent man will kill his wife and kids and then himself, because it's an ego thing. "I can't provide for my family and no one else is going to own them, so they have to go with me" kind of thing. It has much more to do with ego than with love and deep feelings of love, respect, admiration of the other person, but I think perhaps men have a hard time distinguishing between the two. Like you said, "keeping the family safe," like the family can only be safe with him, and no one can look after the family and provide for the family like him, and another man moving in and being step father or whatever would totally destroy the family. This has much more to do with the male ego than reality. I've known many men who have made fantastic step fathers, and have even been better father figures than the birth father.

And when it comes to the notion of trading up, let's not forget, the most well known trader upper of them all is a man.
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3990078]How exactly is breaking your marriage vows, turning away from your marriage and breaking your wife's trust and heart "keeping the family safe?" I can't even understand how a man can say he truly loves one woman and still sleep with another. I can't even wrap my mind around that.

And when it comes to the notion of trading up, let's not forget, the most well known trader upper of them all is a man.[/QUOTE]


I can't understand loving a women and cheating either! If I am with a women and love her all I want is her. I will agree that the "it's just sex" is easier for men but that's not a bad thing just like the opposite is not bad either. Although if I love a women or are even just dating I still really have no desire for someone else.

Women do the BBD, love you one minute hate you next just as much IMO. Men are not atomotons with no feelings we love just as deep or deeper IMO we are just more selective who gets that love. Women don't have sex with men they don't love? Are you serious? They do more and more as time goes by. How do you think hookups, bootycalls, beergoggles, FWB's ect. exist? They do without a doubt!

MANY women leave marriages for BBD's or because they were bored, he's not rich enough, he chews funny, many, many reasons! Women are not saints many are quite the opposite infact. When men leave IMO its because either she's not physically affectionate anymore(happens frequently) or she treats him like a wallet. IMO many women leave for reasons or excuses that are just BS. "Chews funny" is a real life excuse a women left a buddy of mine for. He is better off now on all fronts with the new GF her looks, sex, loyalty, loving attitude are much better IHO but "chews funny".

IMO it's not only an ego thing IMO it's also that when men love IMO we love deeper to the core. Some women can love a man and then bail very shortly I don't believe the adverse is true!

Stepfathers can NEVER take the place of a complete biological family. The connection between the kids and SF are never what a loving family would have with the BIO father. IMO alot of societies and therefore peoples relationship issues are because they had no fathers, male love, discipline, and respect IMO. Regarding trading up check the divorce stats on who files for what reasons and your answer will refute the trade up scenario :wave:
Well in my case the BBD really was a better deal. The guy I left lied, cheated, and had actually moved another woman into his condo...while lying to me that he was "working" all weekend on the weekends I didn't see him. Before he moved her in with him, he asked me to look at his text messages because he said his phone wasn't working right. I saw a text from her that said "Hey Sexy! Missed you last night. See you tonight!" He hemmed and hawed, then said she was trying to "grab on" to him. Turns out he moved her in a couple of weeks later. When he'd come see me, he told HER he was working all weekend out of town.

So I moved on and dated someone else, and the cheater and liar cried to me over the phone and via e-mail that he LOVED me and missed me so much! I talked to him one time after that, and he let it slip that this other woman was living with him. Although he said she was his "roommate". He soon married her.

So in my case, I think I was perfectly justified in feeling no remorse or sadness for leaving him. I found his ridiculous declaration of love amusing. He never said he loved me until I refused to sleep with him or see him anymore. Funny, isn't it?

I'd say he got over our breakup pretty well since he had another woman living with him. And no, I don't feel bad at all. In my case, my feelings for him turned not to hate but to disgust and revulsion. Being lied to and cheated on tends to do that to a woman.
[QUOTE=Redneon82;3994288]Well in my case the BBD really was a better deal. The guy I left lied, cheated, and had actually moved another woman into his condo...while lying to me that he was "working" all weekend on the weekends I didn't see him. Before he moved her in with him, he asked me to look at his text messages because he said his phone wasn't working right. I saw a text from her that said "Hey Sexy! Missed you last night. See you tonight!" He hemmed and hawed, then said she was trying to "grab on" to him. Turns out he moved her in a couple of weeks later. When he'd come see me, he told HER he was working all weekend out of town.

So I moved on and dated someone else, and the cheater and liar cried to me over the phone and via e-mail that he LOVED me and missed me so much! I talked to him one time after that, and he let it slip that this other woman was living with him. Although he said she was his "roommate". He soon married her.

So in my case, I think I was perfectly justified in feeling no remorse or sadness for leaving him. I found his ridiculous declaration of love amusing. He never said he loved me until I refused to sleep with him or see him anymore. Funny, isn't it?

I'd say he got over our breakup pretty well since he had another woman living with him. And no, I don't feel bad at all. In my case, my feelings for him turned not to hate but to disgust and revulsion. Being lied to and cheated on tends to do that to a woman.[/QUOTE]

Why not leave before finding someone new? If this guy was as bad as you say then why leave for someone a BBD, why not just leave and be on your own?





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