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Hello all :wave: I let a supposedly genuine woman back into my life, got messed around, and things came to a head at Christmas when this supposedly genuine person only managed to send me a text message. No, not even a card. That was pretty much the last straw for me. I'd been patient enough. It wasn't unexpected but still hurt because the thoughts that friends and I had had that she'd do nothing after a lot of flannel turned out to be right.... you always hope you'll be proved wrong though don't you? Especially at the one time of year where you might put the effort in.

After that, and having tried to blame me every which way she could, I told her I wanted to know one way or another what she wanted. Friends? More? Nothing? The issue got ducked repeatedly with yet more blame-casting, twisting my words, etc. like raking up past transgressions like daring to see someone else when she previously declared herself out of the picture. Yes, somehow I betrayed her even though she wasn't interested!

It was a case of anything but answer the very simple question. Instead I got crud about how unfair I was being by not chatting to her about her day and making out that I somehow didn't care as a result. Been there, done that, wasn't going to buy her crying wolf any more.

So the upshot of all of this is that she continued playing the victim of me being so massively unfair as to want to know exactly what she wants. Then a clue... apparently she wants more than friends but that can't happen if I won't talk to her about general stuff - the stuff that lead nowhere up till then. Hey, my fault again! And emotional blackmail! Spotted the theme yet?

Her lack of a straight answer had of course been her answer. When push came to shove, she couldn't talk openly about the feelings she only claimed to have when it suited her. And she'd been given chance after chance to speak up about them like anyone genuine would willingly do. The curious thing is she has acted as if I somehow wronged her! WTF? Yes, how dare I not let you get away with using me any more!

She has since said that she doesn't want to know me but only after much avoidance of giving a straight answer. If she'd been open to start with she might not have felt so hard-done-by as to stress herself out with avoiding the issue and reach that point! End result - she views things ending as my fault because "I" wore her down. The frustration she caused me by not giving a simple answer when first asked seems to be conveniently forgotten. And no, I never got an apology.

Anyway, so I've been taking friends' advice, trying to move on etc. and really not having any luck with it. I get these waves of days where I'm glad to be out of the hassle, rid of the stupid accusations, etc. and am happy with the idea of finding someone so much better than she was - it can't be hard, right!?

And then finding my feet and not thinking about it gets rudely interrupted by a crud dream on the theme and that kinda sets things off again that someone can treat people the way she has done and just walk off and think that's ok... how dare someone misrepresent me as she did when all I tried to do was help her and stand by her for all that time.

I find myself wanting to say lots of things to her about various things she did that were unfair, stupidly hypocritical, dishonest, etc. I think the difficulty really is that I have no particular outlet for this - I never got the opportunity to argue and take her down a peg or two because I was too busy trying to have a sensible conversation against her nonsense (I don't rise to deliberate attempts to argue easily). Hell, even those sensible conversations were twisted into things they weren't, painting me as being so mean to her, or were just plain ignored. And friends can only say "she's a bitch" or "you should have got shot of her much sooner".

I'm finding the task of finding someone else difficult though. I want to be happy and be with someone but I'm pretty much really wary now of finding someone who seems ok as this person did, given how someone perfect turned into an insecure nightmare who tried every fibre of my patience.

And also, despite having been loyal to this person I've been accused of being disloyal so many times that now I almost feel conditioned to not even looking at another woman, like it's wrong somehow. ARGH! Something I have to "unlearn", because I can do what the hell I like now, and should be able to enjoy it. Easy to say, but very frustrating.. I'm taking things slowly just trying to enjoy talking to new people, seeing if there's any kind of spark with any of them, but am finding it really hard to trust people now.

Any suggestions? I've tried things like writing down my thoughts - the stuff I'd say to her if I could, and then getting rid of it so it's gone, that kind of stuff per various sources of advice, but I find it doesn't really help. Being messed around hasn't done me any favours. :dizzy:
I can totally understand. You got stuck with a needy person, that needs you to fill some emptiness in her life and doesn't really love you. You treating her nicely has done only more damage, cause then she feels bad about it and instantly will blame you for anything till you get tired of her and do something minimally wrong so that then IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.

Remember this, the only thing you've done wrong is to love her enough to the point of getting hurt. There's nothing that you could have done differently, emotions are so hard to handle.

Things I did to cope with the pain: talk to friends, seek counseling, write things down and keep them around to not let your heart fool you (don't send it to her). Avoid her like the plague, she will try to make you feel guilty (and you also need to feel guilty in order to forgive her).

Just move on, learn from your mistakes, now you have more experience and will detect the signs of a needy person earlier. Remember that this wasn't the end of your life, you still have your whole life ahead of you. Having this experience will help you later to find the person that will join you for the rest of your life, and when this happens it must be someone that won't make your life difficult but instead help you. Work on your insecurities, cause they are probably making you stick with this kind of people.
Of course it will bug you for a while, I feel like crap some days when I remember the things I went through to please a person similar to what you describe. And I can't really avoid her since she's the mother of my son, and even when she's seeing another person and doesn't want me back, she still tries to manipulate me or discharges her frustrations over myself. She has tried everything: humiliation, verbal abuse, caring followed by indifference, insults followed by romantic messages. Arghhh, even now she called me as I was writing this message using the kid as an excuse to talk to me.
This makes things really hard to let go, if it was up to me I'd disappear away from her, but I have to wait till I get things related to my son fixed.

So, see?, you have the advantage of being able to remove her from your life without problems, at least physically, the emotional scars will take some time to heal but at least not having her around will make it faster.

Now, you say that she didn't started right away treating you badly. This is interesting and shows that even with the best intentions and experience, one can fall for someone that ends up being someone else. Shows that we can't be too hard with ourselves thinking we screwed it up by sticking with someone like this, that it can be a matter of luck sometimes.

Talking with friends can be difficult, there's a specific kind of friend that will listen and help you, others will just take it superficially and not be much of help. Whatever you do, at least you can hang around with them and try to set your mind free for a while.

Just don't over-think the stuff she did. The real reason why she does the things that way you might never completely understand. I could think hundreds of reasons why my ex is like that, crappy family, crappy environment, child trauma, etc. But she had me to help her overcome anything, she just had to open up and ask for support in a straight way, I was willing to do anything for her.
If she didn't, then she's in denial or something, but under no circumstances I deserve a treatment like that. I wasn't the one that caused pain for her in the past, if anything, from the first moment we stayed together, I was there to support her and protect her. Whatever reason she didn't seize it, it's not my fault at all. Oh yes, I made mistakes, I could have paid attention to the big issues instead of the million of small complains she made everyday, but I'm a human and I have so many things to do (work, caring for the kid), that I just couldn't handle it. My friends and family told me from the start I shouldn't have endured this, and yet I forgot about myself and helped her through and through, to live only for her, and that ended up biting me in the end. I stopped caring about my health, turned fat, stopped buying clothes for me and instead bought her anything she wanted. And now she says: 'no one will like you now cause you turned to be this disgusting ugly person'. Such a way to thank me for all these years.

I think you're headed to the right direction, you realize how these people just have this victim mentality. You just need time to overcome her. You'll make it!
Hi EPD, thanks for the feedback and the comparisons. It sounds like your position was rather similar in terms of what you endured! It must be very difficult having this woman still hounding you. Yes I do have the advantage that this woman now doesn't want to even speak to me so that's one thing... in a way....

Y'see I've been in this position before with her, and last time it felt so much easier. I had enough of her beforehand, forced her hand and she promptly retreated to her life on Wysteria Lane. Fed up, I moved on. Yes, too quickly, and it didn't feel remotely right, but that other person and I both knew the score and knew what was going on so neither of us got hurt by it. I met new people, tried new things and generally found myself relaxed again although I hoped this woman would sort herself out. After a few months she came back into my life, I warily (without making it known to her) watched what she did and how serious she was, and then the games started again. So here I am for the second time, and this time I find the whole moving on thing really difficult.

The fact that she started off as my ideal really makes it difficult to know whether anyone else who seems great will remain so. I know I didn't screw up with her though - like you I did everything I could to be reasonable. The thing is that you can't reason with someone who is fundamentally unreasonable. It really doesn't matter how patient you are. Everyone has a limit and however strong you are they can end up destroying you too.

In a sense I've stopped looking for an answer to her behaviour. Neither myself nor friends could figure out whether she was doing it deliberately with calculated conniving, or whether she was just mental. In a way it makes no difference because either way she is an incredibly weak woman masquerading as someone who can handle anything but who actually handles nothing. I think the only mistake I made with her was being open with her. It simply gave her things to twist and use as ammo against me. ANd of course every time you calmly contend one charge against you, she just moved on to the next, the next until running out and then blaming the argument on me.

For your position, wow what a thing to say about you being ugly. What a b1tch! Still, what you should do is work to reverse the effects she's had on you. Lose the weight, get in better shape than you were with her, and make yourself more attractive to someone else than you were with her. She'll have nothing to say then.

What really annoys me, is that this woman has treated people like this, thinks she's so rational and perfect like butter wouldn't melt, has kept that image with people by being incredibly deceitful, and gets to just drop her toy-du-jour and keep her life intact with no damage. Part of me really wants to lay into her (verbally) and show her for what she is so that even she can't keep up her deflections and will know just what a piece of work she is. Of course, she's so deluded that I'd look like the bad guy. Hell, she already thinks I am for taking her favourite toy away and wanting answers.

..and I've already learned, you can't get through to people like that anyway. I just hate the way they can walk off uninjured, and then some other poor mug might fall for her charms and end up in exactly the same position!

Still, I've gotta try and get on. Hard though. Someone seems interested but I'm finding it very hard to let my defences down. That and they just don't score as many "good points". It's a catch 22 - someone else who does might just turn out to be another pain in the backside once the perfect exterior wears off.

Hopefully you can get things sorted with your son. And hopefully his mother won't use him as a sounding board for her criticisms of you!

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