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So I've known this guy for over a year now. I'm 21 and he's 22.
We started out as coworkers and it was all just friendly. He made it clear that he wanted to be just friends and I consented, although I began to fall for him.
He's incredibly attractive and smart and we really hit it off. We seemed to be very similar and could talk and laugh for hours.
Our fellow coworkers began to question our relationship, but again we announced to all that we were friends. End of story.
All the while I crushed majorly on him and knew he'd never want to be with me romantically.
He said he cared a lot about me as a friend and wouldn't want to jeopardize that by getting into a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship that could end and split us up.
We kept getting closer and before we realized it, we were basically boyfriend/ girlfriend. We were always together, we had gotten very close and it was basically unavoidable. The only thing missing was the official "title" given to our relationship. Also, we weren't having sex or kissing or anything.

We ended up getting a two-bedroom apartment together. The original plan had been to share a room and we did for a little while.
Then things went downhill fast. He seemed to push me away a lot and it might've been that we spent so much of our time together or that it felt too much like marriage living together. Either way, he shut down and we split up our bedrooms. Otherwise, the "relationship" persevered.

We fought about stupid things often. I was incredibly insecure about everything, as he was my first boyfriend, and I think it drove us apart. I was not confident in the fact that he truly cared about me and couldn't figure out what he saw in me at all.
He'd tease me a lot and say things that kind of hurt, but I ignored them because I loved him. I literally would have done anything to keep the relationship going. To keep him him happy.
Our sexual activity, while we never actually had sex per se, also began to suffer. I simply could not be completely open and intimate with him for some reason. I am a virgin and very insecure about my body, so it may be these things prevented it.
We did sexual things, but he never seemed to push it to a point where we actually had sex, and I think that was more for him than it was for me and my issues.

Eventually, following a big fight and after only a month of being "bf/gf", he broke up with me. It was not an ugly break-up, but it shattered me. I truly loved him and feared losing him the entire time. And I guess I saw that in the break-up, I actually had.

We continued to live together and he eventually came to me with the "friends with benefits" proposal. I still had feelings for him and was drawn in, almost without thinking about it.
It's been up and down over the whole course of the year we've been living together. At one point he told me that he's not and has never been attracted to me sexually, and yet our sexual relationship continues. We still have not had sex.
I'm very emotionally invested in him and yet I resent him a lot too. He talks about other girls all the time and that there are relationships he'd like to pursue but he has not done so yet. I know he knows I have feelings for him and it hurts to hear him talk about getting into another relationship.

However, part of me knows we had issues and couldn't really work.

At one point he told me that when he "grows up" and becomes a more mature person he's probably going to want to marry me.
I don't know what to do about him. I feel as though I'm going insane with the up and down nature of our relationship, as well as the complete lack of boundaries. One minute, were fighting and the next we're in bed together and the next were best friends and then he hates me.


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