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So I'm trying to do new things, going parachute jumping, got a concert lined up in a few months, talking to friends, thinking about changing my home with some new stuff, maybe a new car, looking for someone new, wanting to get on, all that stuff which on the face of it is positive.

However, it's not working. A friend at work said this woman has destroyed me, and she seems to be right. I still have days where I randomly wake up feeling uneasy and wrecked.

It should be so easy to chalk that woman up as being nuts, unstable, disingenuous, like everyone else does. Finding someone better should be EASY, but no-one even comes close on the "good points" list. So that's a hurdle. It's not just my perception - I really did know someone who had a life that fitted mine perfectly and that I knew I could contribute so much to. So I'm looking for the good points because I know what I want, without the irrational bad side of course! I don't particularly want to compromise on the things I'm looking for in someone, because they are good things, fit me, and suit my standards.

And then there's the pain I've been left with while she gets to carry on her life unhindered, having pegged me as the bad guy of the piece! For what exactly? Trying to get her to talk sensibly. That really p****s me off. And I tried to leave things with the view that if she ever got her act together, and was genuine beneath all the throw-backs, hypocritical put-downs, etc, then come and start from scratch whenever that might be. Basically because the woman I met was a completely different person who I wouldn't mind getting to know again. I'd need time now to even think about doing that myself. Anyway, it got kicked back in my face. Can't say I didn't try being civil.

I don't get the right to reply or to make her wake up and smell the coffee of her hypocrisy but boy do I want to sometimes, or to shout like everyone else does, or to highlight exactly why she treats people like crud. And even if I did I'd be wasting my breath because she's so blameless (narcissism perhaps?) that the message wouldn't sink in or trigger any meaningful reflection or apology anyway. Somehow knowing that you'd be wasting your time makes it even worse :D

So, when someone's [I]good [/I]points are what you have been looking for all along, and can't find anyone else even close, and when their bad points leave you angry, sad, and with all the wreckage to sort out, how DO you get that person out of your head? :confused:

I feel... haunted is perhaps a good word, by things unresolved to my satisfaction.
Hi all, cheers for your posts! EDC, moving may be a good idea, but if you can't do that at least rearrange things where you are now, move furniture, put things in different places, change some colours etc. so your current place is a new environment. That'll break old thoughts up, like sitting somewhere where you might have thought about her etc.

I can't do that because my place is small and there's really only one way to lay things out, but it's summer now and the light is completely different so that helps. I also have a few interested parties so that's taking my mind off the old treacherous harpie. Still, you do get those moments where actually despite those good things it's just annoying to have to be in this position in the first place.

I don't doubt the way she was at all. Everyone I mentioned things to told me she was nuts, "you don't need this", "what would she be like if you lived with her?", and so on. I think the biggest hurdle is getting rid of all the annoyances that I calmly discussed and tried to resolve before, when actually what I really want to do sometimes is just lay into her about what an absolute hypocrite she was, almost as if to say "you think you got away with this, but I know what you are" and get her off her own narcissistic pedestal.

So, onto the new people and to see what they have to offer. The one that lost patience with my wariness has mysteriously re-established contact so I guess her other option didn't work out too well.

RedNeon, hey that sounds familiar in so far as casting blame on you for things they were doing themselves. I used to get accused of having other women on the go. I didn't - I even absondoned female friends thinking it might stop the strife. Nope, I was repeatedly accused of having contact with other women, by a woman who was giving me none anyway! She was the one being deceitful the whole time. It's curious that they can't have any blame placed on them but if you so much as mention any irony in the things they're saying suddenly they can't cope. I always took at as an indicator that I was right. It's like, oh look a quick subject change to try and throw something else at me, so it looks like she has no real answer on the last point. So it goes that you can calmly disprove everything they come out with until they run out. I don't know what they expect yet accuse you of being argumentative. Crazy.

I tried summarising even just the last year of how things had been between us, but even in a nutshell it came out as too big to post I thought.

It gets to the point where you just think "I don't give a **** what happens to her now", she's made her bed, didn't want to be with me, chose to stay in the life she claimed to be so unhappy in, gave me constant grief, so good riddance. Hopefully things will turn around and bite her later on.

EDC, nope, no-one's guaranteed that someone else will come along, but I think you need to get to a point where you can begin to enjoy looking again. I was so wary initially I put someone off, and that kind of gave me a nudge not to pass by what could be a limited number of opportunities to find someone new. Go buy some paint for your apartment :) I got some new clothes today, just something a bit different from what I would normally wear. It's worth a go and may help a bit too.
I also got rid of my narcissistic ex after many years of struggle. There were two things that triggered the switch:

1) Realizing that nothing in the world would make her change her mind. She's a self centered person that no matter what would never admit she's abusing everyone who really loves her. She could forcibly apology as a last resort when things just went to an extreme where every thing is backfiring at her, but that's all. A few days of normality and she's back to her self.

2) I got provisory custody of my son, and I don't have ask her to see my son anymore, or listen to ANY complains from her. I realized that it was my son that made me miss her. Once I got his custody, the only thing that mattered was to make him happy. He, with only 4 years old is more mature than his mother. He is thankful for every thing I do for him, and for the sacrifices I make. And now I can rest assured he is safe with me, not with her unstable mother.

So that's it. I came back from a weekend with my friends, and I realized I was past her. No more cravings, no self steem problems. She's a bad person and that's her problem. I hurted for so long but not anymore. I don't even have another girlfriend or anything similar, I just don't care. Today is all about working, making sure my son has everything he needs and has the best life I can provide, and hang around with friends in the few spare time I have.
Other relations might come and I will take them, but it's not my priority. My priorities now are my son and me. I'm finally able to take care of our needs above ANYTHING else.

So, I think that the problem with getting hung with someone is that you don't had the chance to realize that there was no way to make the thing work.
Once you hit your head on the wall for so many times, there is a time when your head clicks and you realize there's no coming back. You realize that there is no love or comfort in the world you could provide for the other person if she just loves herself. Once you get to that point, she becomes a stranger. Someone you can't even hate, cause she's a stranger now.
The hurtful things she did, it feels like she did them to someone else, because all this time she was hating someone I wasn't. She thought of me as the worst person in the universe, and it took time for me to realize that that wasn't true. Either she was projecting, or was thinking of someone else, but the person she hated wasn't me. She just couldn't or didn't want to see it. Not my problem.

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