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Prompted by another thread I read up about narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic rages. I could think of examples that fitted so much of what I read. Nearly every trait mentioned it was "yes, that's what happened so many times", and putting it all together it seems to explain not only things that happened to me but the way she'd tell me about other things that had happened, or the way I felt uneasy about how she treated her child sometimes (really sweet one minute, overly strong discipline the next if the child interrupted HER moment, keeping the child around almost like a shield sometimes when I wanted to talk whereas other times they'd be told to go away because mum was busy) and other events that happened. I read up on a few other disorders too, but they didn't fit. So the unpredictability I saw and everyone warned me of now has a name and an explanation, possibly anyway.

I don't really understand how her behaviour towards me deteriorated but I'm guessing it was because she felt stressed and that triggered more hot and cold episodes towards me depending on whether she needed to feel better than me or not. I thought a lot of the aggravation I saw was her projecting things she didn't like about herself onto me, but it kind of makes more sense now. The whole random hypocrisy thing, the haughty attitude on the occasions where she really had a go that were almost like she was enjoying it.

What I don't get though is that she knows a lot of people she classes as friends and as far as I could gather everyone thinks she's the cat's pyjamas. It's like I'm the only person who got to see the craziness. In other ways she seemed to hate rather than love herself, because she supposedly hated causing upset to others, put others before herself (apart from me!), and would attack me about wanting to be with others and sometimes say things like she wasn't good enough. That doesn't quite fit in, yet so much else does, like the times she seemed so incredibly selfish.

Maybe I was too patient, thinking that if I was just consistently there for her she'd get the message. Of course it turns out that fault gets found no matter what you do. Surely if she were truly toxic she wouldn't be so well liked at large because others would ineveitably find those traits coming out and give her the boot.

Maybe understanding why she was like she was will help get her out of my head, but it just seems to raise more questions. I've been looking for an answer as to how someone can treat people the way she treated me. It still leaves the stress and tiredness of having been treated like that, and the pain of being branded as the one who was unfair/crazy/etc. when all I sought was a straight answer and some honesty :(

I wonder if I should even think about meeting anyone else yet. It's beeI find that quite scaryn months and waiting to get over this whole experience feels like I'm wasting more time from a short life and it feels like I wasted so much of my time trying to support someone who wanted it one minute and pushed it away the next, whilst denying they were hot and cold at all and of course saying I was.

Friends reckon that if I meet someone normal I'll forget about the last one in no time and then she will be out of my head. I'm not so sure, because it really has drained me. There's also the problem I mentioned before of not wanting to compromise on the good points that I want someone to have. Good points that the last one really did have.

Someone else seems interested in me now, and I feel a certain need to have someone good come into my life and naturally bring my best back out without necessarily even realising I got fried. Yet in other ways the parts of the former one that really were adorable and so right for me make me wish she'd just remained the amazing person I met and not got so insecure and irrational. And other times, I really wish I'd never met her because I might be happy with someone by now.





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