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[QUOTE=chevyman;4013075]marilyn60,
This thread was about me and her, our crazy realtionship romatic or ever how you want to put it... and for me to get advice on how to deal with this type of a woman....to better my realtionship with her.
I'm just a stubborn man and takes a lot to get through to me.

I'm just not use to being in a realtionship where everything is planned...and of course her being a non-emotional and non- affectionate woman don't help matters any.

I can't cope with that...I thought I could but I can't I was only fooling myself and thinking that this realtionship (her) was the best thing that ever happen to me...I was wrongand blind.

I ask her over and over to be more affectionate with me and appreciate me more/not meaning the things I get her or help her with or for the sex..as you may think grrr its much much more deeper than that I'm a non-merterialistic person , However I do like to give more than I take and of course I wanted her to say she loves me with all her heart...she said she just coudn't...I ask ''why not '' if you love me say you do'' she would not say it...I begain to remove my clothes from her closet and take some of my things ... she ask me what I was doing I told her this realtionship is over I still love her and we will be good friends but until I know forsure she loves me..I'm just going to be alone for a while and not date any woman....she got mad and said fine...storm out , I Left crying and this is how it eneded this last weekend...maybe your right about all you said in your post maybe I am selfesh person and wanted to much and expected to much from her....but your wrong about me being a player or hurt her in anyway, I'd never be a player to any women I care about.
I see where I was wrong/blind and I'm sorry to everyone that tried to wake me up....rose, red, bloke hollar, choclate jessica, larryloumom,and others.

I never meant or had bad intentions saying things about her on the internet Actually I don't think I said enough , the things I did say were just a few negitive things I needed help with...Anyway I would never say anything on this board that I did'nt care if she read it or not thats the truth.

I'm not a player and I am appalled that you would say such a thing.
Have a good day..bye
chevyman.[/QUOTE]



Hi Chevyman,

Please don't take my words wrong now...I only have kind thoughts toward you and I think you are a very nice guy. And like I said, you don't owe anyone to marry them and you don't have to be married. I seriously doubt that you are attracted to users or abusers. I bet she is a really lovely person. I just hate to see you throw this relationship away over hurt feelings or comments against her by people that do not know her. I think both you and she deserve more than that. I'm not saying she was "the one" or that you blew it. I'm just saying that none of us got to read her side of this or what kind of pressure she may have felt from you, even though you did not intentionally pressure her.

It's very good to take a break if we feel unsure we want to be in a relationship. I regularly take breaks from my very best friends and even from my family. Then I have a new appreciation when I am with them. There is a saying that "familiarity breeds contempt". The concept comes from the fact that the more we get to know someone, the more likely we are to find fault with them.

[COLOR="Magenta"]Mark Twain wrote this~
Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it.[/COLOR]

I know that if I am getting negative about anyone I need to spend some time alone to look at my own faults and change my own attitude. To me it's refreshing to spend time alone. I can regroup and go back to my relationships with new energy and a better perspective. I personally cannot keep on dealing with anyone without having breaks from them. It's not anything about or against them...it's how I am. I think we all need our own space...and no, I would not explain to anyone what I am doing by myself...we all need private time. Anyone that loves me respects that my space is mine alone. If they are insecure about what I do by myself then they have a security issue, and unless I have given them reason to believe I am unfaithful to them, which I never have, then they need to own their insecurity and not blame me for it.

Have you ever thought that this lady might have spent her time away to be alone to grieve the loss of her husband and that she doesn't want to tell you because she fears you might take that to mean she doesn't care enough for you? Instead of assuming her privacy is a negative, why not assume she was doing something for herself that she needed and be happy for her? Why not take it as a positive? is she really a demanding person, or is she really pleasant and friendly?

I don't know you or her and I don't pretend that I do. I only give my objective opinion of what you have written because you asked for advice. I see you are a capable person, so I don't think I need to protect you from her. You are very capable of protecting yourself. I'm sharing what I think would help you have a better relationship with the a lady you find attractive and interesting....I'm taking the time to share because you do seem to want your opposite sex relationships to work out and you have asked. I think if we don't learn our side of this and if we keep saying a relationship failure was the other person's fault that we seriously short change ourselves, that we cannot grow or better ourselves...and that would be too bad since we have no one else that we can change but ourselves. Giving up on someone is not the same thing as making positive changes in ourselves to affect our relationships positively.

I don't see anything you wrote that indicates that she is not a nice lady. Could it be that while you really were hoping things would just "fall into place" with this lady, you were not really that in to her? Honestly, people can sense when we are not that in to them, and then naturally hold back when they can tell they are not accepted just as they are. Maybe you were trying to make yourself be that into her, but you just were not. That's not a crime, but I think you should own why you are leaving her and not act like she wronged you or owed you more than she was ready or wanted to give. Don't you think if you were that in to her as she is, you would be attracted to and enjoy her as she is? From what I have read, and maybe I am wrong, but you seem to genuinely distrust and dislike who she really is.

That you have very good intentions doesn't mean that she would be OK with you sharing details about her to people that don't know her esp. when she isn't sharing her side of the relationship and how your attitude affects her. It could be that she feels you pressure her and are over-bearing and demanding...would you be shocked if she told you she felt that? Why not ask her? Your relationship won't have a chance if you only ask us and not her how you affect her. You have to be willing to hear the truth of what she feels and to own your side of why things don't work between you. Marriage, if you ever want to be married, requires being willing to hear the other person's point of view whether it feels great or not. Really unless you know her side of this you will be doomed to stay the same and repeat the same scenario with a different woman.

I find it strange that anyone would judge her without hearing her side of this. There is no way to be able to give you a truly balanced view when we cannot hear from each one of you. I can't imagaine a counselor giving a negative opinion about a mate that was not there to present her side of the relationship. I just think it is not responsible to make judgements on your lady friend based only on what you feel. If you believe she would not care about what you wrote here why not tell her and let her read your posts? Of course I would not recommend doing so if you have any hopes that she will miss you and come toward you in future.

Maybe you do need to get used to "plans"...after all, hanging too loose can make one more insecure. I mean you tried too hard to force her into words she was not to ready to give so backing off from her is reasonable...but not if you are blaming her why you you choose to back off. Really you aren't backing off because you made a mistake in choosing her, but because you simply don't want to be married, isn't that true? that's what the title of this thread says.

I wish you had been honest with her and told her that you just want to be loved and don't want to be married instead of leaving her with the idea that she somehow wronged you....it really was not about whether she loves you, is it, when you kept telling us you know she does. Don't listen to anyone tell you she doesn't love you or she doesn't love you "enough"...my goodness what is "enough"? Do words equal a relationship? It seems that your relationship was way more than a few words. Wasn't it? Are a few words all that matters? Personally I don't care at all about hearing I am sorry or I love you...anyone can and does say those words. I want to see love in action. But that's just me.

Anyway, Chevyman, I know it's your life and you will do what you want. I hope you take what I wrote with a grain of salt and that you at least think about it and see if anything I said makes sense to you or sinks in.
[QUOTE=chevyman;4014638]marilyn60,
I agree with you on some things you mention but I also think that for some people they have different ambitions and see things in a different way, all realtioships are not the same and whos to say how things will be, its great that you and your hubby have that inner understanding of each other but what works for some don't mean it will work for others.
I enjoyed reading your post it gives me some other insights on prespective issues as of what to think about.

Yes Tivo123 I agree that it takes both to enjoy in on the fun and have the love and affection for both.
I always thought it to be a natural thing to love each other in an affectionate way kiss hug and just enjoy each other/(not meaning smoother each other in a sea of intimacy)....(some don't think that way) I thought I could see through her the way she love me back with her actions, its just I need more assurance than that to marry her, I'm not affraid of commitment or marrige I welcome that to my life,NOTHING COULD MAKE ME MORE HAPPIER, TO START A FAMILY HAVE KIDS OF MY OWN But if I'm not sure about the devotion and love the trust and all the other things that come in a loving realtionship....then I'm not getting married to that person simple as that!
However I'm beginning to think she is just a meterialistic person/controling underminer which I never throuht that of her.

We have not talk sinse the little spat, she is stubborn as I am, we both won't give an inch, she has not called text, or anything neither have I.

Maybe its better that way give us both more time to think about all this nonesense, and the fact that she started these rumors about us getting married that was what started all of this in the first place and last weekend I sit her down and had a long talk with her and when I ask her about her not ever telling me she loves me and I openly ask her in a nice round about way why SHE WOULD NOT SAY THAT TO ME,she said she just couldn't so that told me something right there and yes it did make me up-set with her.

I have discuss her late hubby about the pics in her bedroom and how it made me feel but we came to an agreement on that,numorus other factors concerening her late husband and I ask her if she did need time alone a ''private'' moment to reflect back on her marrige and any time she needed to do that I was fine with it, I have tried my best to cover/touch certain areas of her past/present and her future...both of our future.

I have did everything I know to let her know my love is real and she is real and I'll never replace her ex or try to be like him, I told her what you see with me is what you get I'm not fake or try to be someone I'm not and if you don't like that then its best we just move on with our lives.

yeah I'm heartbroken pretty bad but I'll get over it...I just need some time alone to myself...I guess it would not hurt so bad if I had not fell so deeply in love with her.
Thanks guys for all the kind words I appreciate it.[/QUOTE]



Chevy,

Did her husband die or were they divorced?...wow, one post was like she did something wrong that caused her marriage to end. Did she cause her husband to die or something? I can't believe the venum! I don't think that vilifying someone you purport to care about is a compliment to you. What do people think of you...that you are stupid or lame? Maybe neither of you are good for each other and you should not have become intimate. But even if that is true, it does not mean she is a bad person or that it is a mistake to care for her.

Not at all did I say that you should accept a cold, heartless woman. And, don't mistake it, that is not what any of my relationships have ever been about, in any manner. If you believe I even suggested that you accept less than being loved then you seriously missed the point that I was making about respecting your woman. It is respectful to accept the level of affection and words that each other wants to give at the time. If one of us is not giving us what we prefer at the time we wait for the other, and while we are waiting we actively do somethings we choose to do to help (not make) the other feel warmer and fuzzier, because after all, we are the ones that benefit whenever we give toward each other.

I know you are trying to recover from feeling hurt and disappointed that you could not get your woman to tell you what you wanted to hear. and from embarrassment that everyone now knows for sure that you have no intention to marry her. That does not prove that she has been wronging you. However, I'm giving you some tough love here, too. You said you were madly in love with a 'fantastic woman' and now only eleven days later you are staying away from a 'witch'. You are the one that chooses to abandon her, so maybe she is better off without you.

What a poor blind fool of a man you have been...eh? NO, I do not believe that about you any more than I believe she is a despicable woman.

None of your words of love for her meant you were or are committed to her. So why are you so hung up on her words?You told us if she tells you she loves you, then "MAYBE", I "MIGHT" marry her (in a hundred years)". You say that was just a joke, but I think you do mean you only MIGHT have married her. Does that she mistook your hemming and hawwing to mean that you wanted to marry her prove that she tried to trick you? No, it proves nothing. Maybe she did hear what she wanted to hear. But you knew for a long time that she wanted marriage. So were you not being dishonest with her when you hemmed and hawwed because you wanted to keep having intimacy with her even though you knew you didn't want to marry her? You require a full verbal commitment while you are unwilling to give her even a promise of a real commitment. You simply don't give to her the same thing that you want for yourself.

Why you are accepting third party opinion about the woman in your life that only wants to be with YOU is beyond my imagination. Your back and forth posts just don't add up to a man that was with this woman because you wanted marriage with her. I think you were in love with the idea of romance, the idea of marriage...I don't think you mean to be manipulative, but I think that it has been you that was just using her until someone else better came along. You didn't sweep her off her feet and just say you love and want her no matter what because you never were that into her...do you think that she can't see that? Really you offered her a good time, and nothing more. Why should she surrender her full self to that?

Did or did you not write that she tells you she loves you when you are making love together? Did or did you not say she is the love of your life, and that "she is very well financially secure , we both have outstanding careers"? Did or did you not tell us that "she says that I'm the man for her and she don't need to look or want to be with anyone", and that "I don't need to say it you already know I do''.

Did you write this about her: "
I love the way she makes me feel as a man ,just to be around her is pleasing to me, she makes me feel different than anyone I've ever known its how she makes me feel inside and the feelings /vibes I get with her she makes me feel like I am wanted and not just an old roll in the hay......we both would kill for each other, she is a little jealous of me and I'm a little with her but if ever two people were connected its us".

I copied and pasted some of this from your posts in this very thread. If you did not mean any of those things, then OK, I am completely wrong. If you did write and mean those things, then how can you now say she is just materialistic and does not love you...(what?) ...what does she need you for if she is so well off? She is totally fine without you, but she still chooses to be with you and wants to commit to you. How could that mean she does not love you? Your level of insecurity does not match the words you wrote about her.

Good grief, if you don't believe all the good things you wrote about her, then please do leave her alone and don't mislead her anymore that she might have marriage with you...for sure do not risk getting her pregnant then tell us she tricked you!

I tried to help, but I think you just want to blame her for your own lack of commitment. Oh well, you may as well get over it, because she clearly isn't someone that will be manipulated. Yes, I think that not accepting all the good and beauty in your relationship just because she wanted to be your wife and you were not ready is sad and well...it's your loss...keep on looking. Maybe you can find someone that is so scared that you might leave that she will do or say anything. To me that would be one yukky relationship, but that's me.

My whole point is that if your stubborness is more important to you than all the other things she is and does that makes you feel warm and fuzzy, including that she tells you she loves you in the most intimate moments, if that is not enough for you to stop making this all about whether she will say she loves you when you ask, then you may as well accept that you truly are just not that in to her. It's not a crime...but then do please leave her alone.





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