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Boyfriend advice.
Jun 8, 2009
I have been datin my boyfriend for 6 months and like a month ago i got into an argument with my step-dad and he asked me to move out so i moved into my boyfriends house. He lives with his dad but we have like our own apartment in the basement. So we have been livin together 4 like a month. We are really in love and stuff and we have been tryin to have a baby for a couple weeks now anyways things were better b4 i lived with him. B4 I moved in we got along better and now that i live there he tries to change how i dress and tells me not to wear short skirts and stuff like that which i understand cuz we want to get married soon and have a baby but also he hates my friends and one day my best friend was over and he came home and said she was getting on his nerves and told her to leave and they had a big fight cuz i didnt stand up 4 her and now she is not talkin to me. also he asked me to get a boob job cuz i am kinda flat but he is not pushing that idea anymore cuz we want to have a baby and need to save money and plus they will prob grow if i get pregnant. Also like 2 weeks ago i was at my friends and was supposed to stay at her place but our plans got messed up so i went back to his/"our" place and he was there with a couple guys and some girls and when i came in he was sitting on the couch with and this girl was pretty much sitting on his lap and when i got mad at him he turned it around on me and said that he wasnt doin anything wrong and that i am just a psycho 4 getting mad. he was drunk and his friends told me nothing happened so i forgave him but it just feels like everything is getting really weird between us since i moved in. he never wants me to hang out with my friends but if he has people over and a "guys" night than he tries to get me out of the house. most of the time i just go upstairs and talk to his dad cuz most of my friends dont talk to me anymore since he is always insulting them. he says he really loves me and wants to have a baby and get married and get our own place and when we got into a fight and i said we are breaking up he cried and begged me not to. i am not sure what to do though cuz i really have nowhere else to live cuz my mom wont leave my step-dad and i will NOT move back home if he is still there. I think we should start using condoms again though cuz i dont want to have a baby while things are really weird between us. btw I am 16 and he is 19 so i know he is still kind of immature but things were alot better when between us when i lived at home. i dont want to break up with him and i kind of need him in order to have a place to live but i dont know how to make him stop doing all this crap that he is doing to me lately.
[QUOTE=Feliciaxox;4007393]Ya, I know deep down that i am not really ready to have a baby but he wants to.[/QUOTE]

So? Is he ready to marry you, provide for you and the baby and be a real father and husband? It really truly does not sound like it. Just because he has some romanticized silly whim of having a baby and that will make up for his mother leaving him is no reason to bring a tiny, helpless innocent baby into the world that neither of you are really prepared to care for.

[QUOTE=Feliciaxox;4007393]At first i said no and than i found out he was poking holes in the condoms without me knowing .[/QUOTE]

The relationship should have been over the second you found out about this. There is no excuse for this kind of manipulation and dishonesty and no room for it in a mature, healthy, mutually respectful relationship.

[QUOTE=Feliciaxox;4007393]I do want to go to hairdressing school and having a baby scares me..[/QUOTE]

Then don't do it. We're not talking about buying your first car, leaving home college, or closing on your first house. We're talking about a little life, a human life you will be responsible for really in some fashion for the rest of your life. When she's advising me, nagging me or trying to get me to do something, I teasingly ask my mom all the time "when are you going to stop being a mom?" and she always says "never." It's a lifelong full time job.

[QUOTE=Feliciaxox;4007393]He calls me fat, ugly, worthless, slut and the last fight was cuz i used my little sisters hair brush and she went complaining to him and he was yelling, screaming a spitting in my face telling me how i cant use her stuff and calling me every name you can think of. my mom wont leave him she knows how badly he treats me and really she couldnt care less, she will just say things like "you caused it" or "you should do more around the house so he doesnt get mad" meanwhile i do everyone's laundry, dishes, clean the bathrooms and the kitchen while my step-dad and sister do nothing.[/QUOTE]

I'm going to tell you something now that you are not going to want to hear, but I hope you will hear me out and at least think about it. I'm going to be blunt and flat out honest. Your mother is an incredibly weak woman. She has given up all her power to a man because she's afraid to lose him, and has sacrificed everything, including HER OWN CHILD to appease this abusive, horrible man with serious anger management problems and keep him from leaving, which actually would probably be the best thing for all of you. And she probably allows him to be mean to you so he won't be so abusive to her. The thing is, you are beginning to repeat this same pattern, and you are loving this guy of yours in a very weak, self nullifying way just like your mother. You are only 16 years old and you are thinking about throwing your whole life away all to keep some little 19 year old punk who probably won't even be in your life a year from now, whether you have his baby or not. The welfare lines are filled with women who thought having a baby would make some guy stay, and guess what? It didn't. He's gone, and they are left to take care of the baby, and all the bills, by themselves. Ever heard of the term "the feminization of poverty?" This is what it means, and this is what causes it.

[QUOTE=Feliciaxox;4007393] i kinda think if i dont have a baby with him he will dump me. [/QUOTE]

Then how much could he really love you? If he would dump you because you wanted to get your feet on the ground before bringing an innocent helpless life into the world, and live your life a little first before taking on the responsibility of parenthood, then that's not love, honey. If he would leave you for not getting pregnant at 16, then he doesn't really love you. And secondly, having a baby to keep a man from dumping you is one of the worst possible reasons to have a baby. The fact that you are even considering having a baby just to keep this boy from dumping you is proof that you are not mature enough to handle parenthood. You should NEVER have a child out of fear or panic. That's bringing the child into the world with a job to do already. "OK baby, it's your job to make sure daddy doesn't leave us." That's SOOOOOO unfair. It's won't be this baby's job to keep him happy and keep him from leaving you.

I think you should take this guy's father up on his offer and move upstairs. Tell this boy no more sex until he has agreed to wait to have a baby. My god, only 16 years old. I'm so sorry, I know you are in a hard situation, but I think you should look at your mother as a cautionary tale, and stop acting like her. You need to break the cycle of weakness and letting a man push you around and tell you how to live your life and giving all your power up to a man. Stop living your mother's life and be strong enough to stand up for yourself, your life and what you want out of it. This boy needs to cool his jets and stop the baby talk. Period.

p.s. if you do continue to have sex with him, use another form of birth control, a form he can't tamper with. This is your life. It's time you started taking some control of and responsibility for it instead of allowing yourself to be manipulated by this guy.
LarryLoumom thank you for reply and i really do agree with what you said about my mom. i know she is not happy at all but she does anything for my step-dad and even when she sees him screaming at me she just says "oh well you(me) shouldn't have made him angry". he even burnt like half of my clothes one time cuz i joined a hairstyling/make-up group at school, came home late and didnt clean the bathroom on time so he punished me by taking stuff out of my room and throwing them into a bonfire in the backyard, she watched and i begged her to make him stop and she just shrugged and said "you know how he gets". he is a really mean person and i kinda do see stuff like that in my boyfriend, like the way he always tells me what to do like how i should dress, who i should talk to, which is actually nobody but him and how he threatens me to kick me out if i dont do what he wants. my step-dad does that to my mom too, like if she doesnt make him a steak and buy him beer he says he will take my sister and leave her, it is sooo pathetic and she just does whatever he wants. well anyways i want to get sum birth control but i will have to either wait for my next pay check or ask my boyfriends dad for sum money to go cuz i am broke. i am gonna talk to him tonight when he gets home from work about how i dont think we should have a baby right now and see what happens. hopefully he will be ok with it but i dont want him controling me.

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