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I have known my boyfriend for about 3 years. For the first two years we had a casual relationship that eventually grew into something different. My boyfriend's ex is his best friend and as much as i've tried to accept their friendship i can't seem to find peace with it. A little less than a year ago he moved to a different country and i am currently living with him here. His ex stayed in the states. Back when he was living in the states they were always spending time with each other. Every time my boyfriend and i would go out together or spend a night together, she always called. And I always knew it was her because he had a special ringtone for her. They went out for dinners, went to movies, worked together, went grocery shopping together, etc. He would even go have brunch with her not me on the weekends after we spent a night together. She had a very old sick cat that he was helping her to take care of. The cat needed a constant medical attention and he was there providing it. If it wasn't a brunch, movie or dinner with her, it would be the cat issue. Needless to say, i was never invited to anything. Later i found out that he was also going on trips with her, while he told me that he was going with his guy friends or family. He always said that they are just friends nothing more. At some point i insisted on meeting her. We met for brunch twice. She was nice, but she definitely tried to show how important she is in his life. Also before my boyfriend left the country, we had a dinner with his friends. She and her girlfriends were there too. When my boyfriend and I walked into the restaurant, one of her girlfriends, who was sitting next to her, got up and moved to a different seat and my ex's girlfriend showed my boyfriend to come sit next to her, which he did. I was left standing behind and had to sit at the other end of the table. I felt so much pain back then. I still do. There have been so many occasions similar to this one that have caused me a lot of pain and discomfort. I can't seem to forget or forgive him and it affects our relationship.
His ex is now married - her husband is the first guy she met after she dated my boyfriend - she met him two weeks after she and i have been introduced to each other, got engaged and married within 6 months. My boyfriend and I live in a different country now, but he keeps a constant contact her via emails and phone. He left all his stuff in the US with her, she has his personal files, all his mail is being forwarded to her, etc. And it bothers. We have fights over it almost every week. He never talks to her in front of me. A few times he called her from home, he would go to another room, close the door and talk to her. I made a big deal out of it. And he started talking to her outside of home, when i am not around. It bothered me too. I said - you can talk to your guy friends in private, but when you talk to her - i need to be present. Yesterday, i found out that he talked to her again, but deleted the call log in his phone, so i wouldn't know. And i flipped. I know that there is no romantic relationship going on between the two of them, but what bothers me is - why can't he be open about it?
He said i made him feel uncomfortable and every time i hear her name i flip and that's why he feels like he needs to communicate with her w/out me knowing. What i feel is that if he didn't talk to her behind closed doors, if his friendship didn't make me feel misplaced in my relationship, i would feel more comfortable about her. It's hard to describe the feeling that i have - i am not jealous, i feel misplaced. At some point, they both made me feel that i am not as important and close to him as she is and it hurts very much. This whole issue brings the worst out of me - like checking his phone- i am very ashamed of it, but it looks like that's the only way to get to the truth. I don't know how to deal with this issue, i no longer know what is reasonable and what is not. I don't want to tell him to completely cut her out, but i think it would help if i were part of their friendship. Am I just paranoid and unreasonable?
I would have turned and walked out of the restaurant and gotten a cab or walked home. My ex-H had an emotional affair with someone he claimed was his "best friend." No way. If it has to be kept secret; if he can't talk to her in front of you and she can't treat you like a special person in his life; if he can't make sure that she knows that you are to be respected, then it's an emotional connection. I agree with the others - if she snaps her fingers and says, "I need you," he's there in a heartbeat. And you're out in the cold. Nagging won't help - it only makes him go underground, sneak and lie. You need to decide what you will put up with and then live with it.





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