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I was hoping I wouldn't be back here posting about a break up, but I am not entirely surprised that I am. It's been awhile since I posted about some issues in my relationship, and now I could use some advice and support. 1 year, 3 months, now down the tubes.

Quick recap: I was madly in love with someone for two years and it ended suddenly, breaking my heart. I took a year to rebuild, dated a few people and then met a charming and attractive guy, and fell quickly for him. I am 29 (nearly the dreaded 30) and he is 34. Early on, by his lead, we got caught up talking about our future, where we'd live, kids, dogs, the whole nine yards. We met each other's friends and families, took some vacations and had a fantastic time. I was so amazed I could love someone and be happy again after such a devastating breakup with my ex. Things were good. And then he freaked out about six months in, wondering if we were right for each other. We nearly broke up but got through it, both ending the future talk since it was unneeded pressure. Things were good again until two months after that when he freaked out again, saying he wasn't sure what he wanted, doubted we'd work out, that he was sometimes unsure if he wanted to be married or have kids at all. He took some space to think and I treated it as a breakup and went into self preservation mode. Two days later he came back again, begging me back into his life, saying he didn't want to give up on me and he'd made a mistake. I loved him, I loved our relationship and I could see him in my future, so I took him back.

Since that time, in November, things have been good and things have been shaky. In January he was moved to a different state, about four hours away, for work. He asked me move with him, but I declined. I almost ended it then, thinking there was no way we could handle distance -- with no end, until he decided to leave companies and move back to our state, where he does want to settle -- and since we had had a few shaky months. He begged me to stay and said he wanted me in his life, wanted a future with me. We started the distance and went through bouts of being really happy and making it work and harder times when scheduling conflicts made it so we didn't see each other for two weeks at a time. It's like all this pressure was on us to have a fantastic time every weekend we did get to see each other, and if one of us was cranky or moody, we had to muddle through. We did not have the luxury of being able to do our own thing and see the other the next day. It got strained at times, but we spoke each day and worked to see each other as much as we could. The idea of him being out of state for the next year and a half was daunting. I desperatley want marriage, kids and a house, and I knew because of his career situation that it'd be a couple years before we even had the chance to move in together. But he meant a lot to me and I was willing to deal with it and work though the differences we had, though I was always felt in the back of my head that the other shoe was going to drop and he would get frustrated and back away again, claiming he didn't know what he wanted or how he felt. And then yesterday it happened.

We had a nice day, were affectionate and talked of upcoming plans. A small tiff sparked a larger argument and he packed his bag and said he just didn't want to talk or be at my place then and was going to leave. I made him stay to talk it through and in the end we ended it. He told me he loved me, my family, how I fit in with his family, our relationship and that he was attracted to me. But that he felt the passion wasn't there anymore, that some weekends he didn't have a burning desire to see me, it could go either way. That he could see me as his wife at times and other times couldn't. As hard to hear, I have felt the same. He is very moody and has a terrible temper. It can be walking on eggshells around him and his mood swings. I am very organized, driven and goal-oriented. I am also a realist. He is a dreamer and is driven, but is afraid to take steps. His finances are a mess and he is in major debt. He's afraid of getting credit counseling. He doesn't take care of himself and is nervous about seeing doctors. He's dealt with anger management in the past. And he is divorced, having a very tumultuous relationship with his ex, with regrest of getting married. Everyone has issues and baggage, but he has a lot of cobwebs in his life to sweep aside. Simply, he is not an easy person to be with and I knew we would have a lot of ups and downs in our life together. But I do love him, and for these issues he has, his charisma, caring nature, humor and protection win me over. I was willing to work through those things because to me he was worth working for. I am certainly not perfect, and can be difficult to be with too at times. And he is just at the point where he doesn't know how to fix us, knows he's not happy and is fearful we won't work out. His focus is on work and not on moving us forward. We ended it by packing up his things and him leaving. He knows my "policy" from the other times we nearly broke up...if it is over, it is completely over. No contact. No coming back. He balked at that again, I know it is hard for him to just sever, but I see no point in being in touch after something ends. It just prolongs the heartache. So we packed his things, he gave me a hug I didn't return, said he was sorry. I said good luck and he left.

I know that this is probably for the best. That relationships shouldn't be so much work. That the distance really hurt us and changed things. That it is no ones fault, except we probably fell too hard and fast, I probably wanted more than he could give and he maybe shouldn't be with anyone until his life is more sorted out and his goals are in place.

It is just jarring how it all ends. Earlier in the day he was talking about where we'd buy a house and how it needed to be closer to my work. And then we're totally severed a couple of hours later.I am suddenly single and heartbroken again. Nearing 30. Wanting the house, husband and kids nearly all of my friends have and now being further from it than ever before. I keep thinking of all of our memories, all the good times, all of the inside jokes and looks. The comfort and feel of him touching me, knowing what he would say before he said, someone knowing your history, the people in your life. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. He's supposed to be on his side of the bed, we're supposed to be going out for coffee, going to the gym. We have vacation days and concert tickets taken and paid for that will never be used. We had plans in October already in place. And now it is nothing. I deleted him from my phone, threw out his toiletries, put left behind clothes and books in the donation bin, and looked at every photo, read every card and poem proclaiming love and me being perfect for him, and threw it all out. We had some issues, but we also had a lot of fun. Although I had doubts of us, I was insulated and happy with him. And now I'm alone. I just keep wanting him to come back and say he made a mistake.





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