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I ultimately realized that the reason I have wasted all this time with my sorry a** ex boyfriend is because I AM LONELY. In other words, looking for a quick fix.

I moved to South Carolina with my dad when I was 18 years old. I already graduated high school at this point and I did not want to start college. Not just yet anyways. So my dad did not press the going-to-college matter instead he suggested working full time. He believed working a full time job and paying bills will was the answer to my problem. I was feeling lost and unmotivated at the time and indeed working a full time job helped put life in perspective. By 19, my dad was sick of SC and decided he was moving back to Japan. Okay, well I did not go. I stayed and moved in with my boyfriend (same guy) and we have been together on and off ever since. I eventually went back to school and realized I trully enjoyed learning.

Life has taught me a few things. I guess I grew up a little too fast. My bf (at the time) had a child and his life was going a separate direction. In fact, a completely different rhythm from mine. I loved him and really wanted things to work so I stayed hoping I could change his ways by showing him a different life. His family is down right redneck with a lot of issues. Drugs (and when I say drugs I mean marijuana, pain pills, meth, crack, etc) jail time, different fathers etc. Crazy lifestyle while mine is more stable. I come from a drug free family. Everyone went to college at least. so we are just different and I later realized you can take the boy out of the trailer but cannot take the trailer out of the boy. Years of disappointment to say the least but I was still focused and I continued with school :-)

So Im starting over. The problem with dating a controlling boyfriend whom you happen to live with is... they isolate you from others. They are so time consuming that you dont even have time FOR YOUR SELF. Well thats what happened. I was in such an unhealthy relationship dealing with crazy drama that.... I dont know how to be 22 years old. I feel so grown up. While I appreciate my maturity... I realize Im having a hard time meeting new people and making friends.

I work FULL time and go to school FULL TIME. My dad sends no money and I dont expect him to. The only aid I get is school loan and that only covers tuition. My rent, car, car insurance, cell phone, groceries, utilites, internet, gas etc... I have to pay for all of that. Its do-able but Im just making it very clear that I live a grown adult life and have no financial support whatsoever from my family. (thank goodness I live in SC, you do get more bang for your buck!) Okay so Im a 22 year old who works full time and also goes to college full time. I dont have time to socialize like most college students. Besides, college is not like high school... you dont see the same person all year round! You only see them for one semester so making new friends is quite hard for me. I take classes back to back too. So I dont have time to socialize and mingle! i dont even have time to work after school and meet up with school mates for projects! I sure dont have time to join sororities or clubs!

so how do I make friends my age? how do i start a new relationship? I just feel so grown - I connect with my co workers who are in their mid 30s, all married with children. I have fun with them but we dont hang out after work. I also believe that because Im a very social person i am having a hard time coping with being lonely. While my ex has issues and he isnt the right person for me, I think I have always gone back to him and kept in touch with him because i can never seem to find people and meet people. the times that I have tried... it wasnt too successful.

I dont know if anyone has ever moved to another country or another state where you had to start all over again. but that is my situation... I dont know anybody and I dont know where to begin. I have roommates but they are 18 years old and I just feel like their MOM if anything! these girls are under age and because they are... they sneak around, date older boys, into drugs, drinking under age and worst HOSTING PARTIES when they are underage! i just want to meet people who have their priorities straight and someone I can go out and have a good time with... people that share my interests... I would have loved to join my school's feminist group - but they meet up at times when Im at work. At the end of the day, my job comes first because I still have bills to pay.

So where do I start? I really want to get myself together. I feel like I always end up with my ex because he is my comfort zone and I really do not have nobody else. Atleast I can go out and visit places and have a companion. yes he may not be the ideal companion but I have always felt like a bad companion is better than none. the loneliness is just suffocating me! Im trying so hard to fight the tears but... its true... i feel so lonely. I am lonely. And nobody seems to understand! I dont have children and I dont have pets! My coworkers insist that they understand my situation... but they really dont. They dont feel alone... not the way I do when they have their children to tend to. when they come home... they worry about cooking,cleaning and bathing their children. That is not my problem. My problem is I dont interact with people outside of work and that is so hard considering I have always been a social person with numerous friends growing up





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