It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


Molly, is this how you want to live for the rest of your life? Do you want your kids to see how unhappy you are and put them at risk if living the same life?
Sounds like he doesn't want you to have friends because they have eyes and ears and advice, he may think it takes encouragement for you to stand up to him and as long as you are quiet and submissive with no one telling you this is not the way to live he wins...
Its easier said than done to just pick up, pack up and leave not to mentioned he has distanced you away from your hometown, friends and family. Thats what men do that only wants to control you and use you as their robot.
Have you tried truthfully talking to him about this, that you are unhappy and bored in your marriage? Why dont you just start doing the things you want. Tell him I'm getting a sitter to help you and I am going out of town for a weekend, with the girls. I am sure there is something fun to do around there within a 1-2 hour drive. At some point there is no more asking, you need a life to. Marriage doesn't mean being stuck and dealing with it because you took the vow.
The main question is... Is he willing to change? Does he respect you at all? It sounds like he will continue to get worse and worse and I am sure it has progressed slowly but surely. Remember one thing, a man can only do what you allow him to do. Thats why he keeps "pushing" you as you stated. Because he knows you will bow down and give in.
Yes but telling him and him doing something about it are two different things. If he is not responding or changing... then the conversations aren't working. You need him to SHOW you he understands. What is your version of standing up to him? Actually doing what you want to do, or just telling him how you feel which he just shoots down?
By the way how old are your children?
And no friends.... so you are saying no friends at work... childrens friends parents... neighbors? No friends at all?
Well #1 your friends don't have any business talking about your relationship with him, so thats out. 2nd, quit telling him what your friends are saying. Again, he has you where he wants you and he knows other people are "opening" your eyes. He wants them to stay closed so anyone opening them and giving you any idea he will get rid of. People are just trying to help you, he must really can tell your own courage and when you have been talking to others. He doesn't need to know who all you talk to and their opinion. He doesn't think you can think or speak for yourself. Also is there any truth in that, has the entire relationship started out like this and you are now waking up and realizing this isn't want you want? Because if you are now just starting to change, it may take some time for him to accept these changes and change with you.
Friends will come, just start doing things for yourself more, get out... put the kids down for a nap and leave him in charge even if you just go to the bookstore.. just to get out and be alone and have time to yourself. Start taking the kids to the park, meet other parents with kids your age. Find your identity again. When you start changing, he won't have a choice but have to change with you.... Baby Steps
[QUOTE=mollyelizabeth;4018194]he has also said a lot of weard things to me, telling me things i need to do to make our relationship better. i wont go into detail but it was crazy. When i told him these new rules were upsetting me he said he never told me to do anything and that i must be making it all up. Anytime i call him on something weard he says he says he never said it. Its driving me crazy[/QUOTE]


Not to change the subject...but this must be a personality disorder...I know someone that does exactly this. If you say something about something atrocious that they did...they will say I did it or I made that up! Could someone tell us if that personality disorder has a name? It MUST!:dizzy:

About your problem...I agree with what the others say...do you really want to spend the rest of your life putting up with this? You think you are resentful now...wait until you realize life has past you by!:eek: You are still very young. You said you've been with this guy 10 years and you were kids when you met so I'm assuming you are NOT EVEN 30! To me you are still a KID! I'm in my mid 40s! OH TO GO BACK AND HAVE A RE-DO! WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE to be 30!!!!!!:(
[QUOTE=xpcandy;4018209]Not to change the subject...but this must be a personality disorder...I know someone that does exactly this. If you say something about something atrocious that they did...they will say I did it or I made that up! Could someone tell us if that personality disorder has a name? It MUST!:dizzy:

About your problem...I agree with what the others say...do you really want to spend the rest of your life putting up with this? You think you are resentful now...wait until you realize life has past you by!:eek: You are still very young. You said you've been with this guy 10 years and you were kids when you met so I'm assuming you are NOT EVEN 30! To me you are still a KID! I'm in my mid 40s! OH TO GO BACK AND HAVE A RE-DO! WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE to be 30!!!!!!:([/QUOTE]

im only 25, its just that yes he can be an ass but he can also be really nice and supportive, when he wants to be. He has been nice to me for the past two weeks, ever since my friends left me, we have been threw so much together its hard to picture my life without him. He says if i left him i could have everything, he would go out and find some little job and an appartment, it makes me feel guilty and sad for him. He says that if i think he is a jerk that i should meet other guys. But thats the thing i dont know if our relationship is normal, ive never had anyone to talk to about it. hes my first boyfriend i always thought our love was special and different. but maybe it was so good only because i gave him everything he ever wanted. we were fighting alot ever since i made those new friends because they wanted me to hang out with them, to go out for a couple of drinks, which is something i have never done without my husband. I went out with them twice and it created a lot of problems in my marriage. I also went out with one of the girls to the park and other places like that with my kids and we had a really fun time. Ever since they stoped hanging out with me my husband has been really nice and helpful. I just dont know if this is only temperary untill i find a new friend.
Hi Molly, I really feel your strong enough. You talk like you are. Just think of how much happier you are going to be in the long run. Try to keep saying in your mind "NO" when you feel any urge to give in, or you feel weak. Someday, you will be so happy !!! Im sorry that you ended up to deal with a bad marriage, but remember always your amongst lots of woman who are in your situation. You are not alone.
(((hugs))) Patty
Molly, read your posts back and pretend they're someone else. What would you advise them to do? This guy is obviously controlling and frankly a little loppy if he's denying saying things that he has said. I knew someone like that - it was a nightmare. Now I'm without them I'm more content from the point of view of not having someone driving me crazy with their insane nonsense. They'd say they loved me, but only when it suited a manipulative purpose, that despite how they felt I should find someone else, blah blah blah. You're getting the same kind of deal. You've asked if you're in a normal marriage... no, no you're not.

He was happier after you stopped seeing your friends. Of course - he got what he wanted!! You're allowed friends, you're allowed a life beyond being under his thumb.

Stop being manipulated by this guy and get out, get some friends back, etc. You're only 25. Listen to the older people here who've ended up wanting to relive their earlier lives!
I can relate to a good percentage of your issues. It is bad enough when I was married before he was the same way, he had his friends and mine were pushed away because he found a way to make them feel uncomfortable, they quit even calling me because every time I would get on the phone he would talk to me, even my family, my own mother and son quit calling me because they couldn't carry on a conversation w/ me if he was home. He moved me to his town where he wanted to live, there was no happy medium, and I had no one there to talk to, I was all alone.

He would find a way to make me feel guilty or act in a bad mood if something wasn't going his way so to keep the peace in the home for the kids especially, I would give him his own way. The kids were not my husbands, so he didn't care what they felt. He would talk about how important family was, but that meant his family and we were all outsiders though. Of course one Christmas his mom made it very clear we were not invited for the family Christmas party and he got mad at me and made me feel bad and guilty because we weren't going and that it was all my fault. I spent my holidays crying which ruined my kids holidays...

Of course he would freak out if I wanted to leave the marriage, but he wouldn't change..He wanted control of everything. I did finally leave and used every bit of my strength to not return and we had some hard times being homeless for 3 months and having a teen age son that was severely disabled, but although we were going through those hard times we had the strength of our family together to hold it all in place to never want to live like that...Of course there was a lot more that happened...But, remember at your age that starting over is not that bad and you may find that the kids might feel a lot of pressure off from them...Have you ever asked your kids how they would feel if dad wasn't there?
Molly, quit posting about the latest shenanigans he has pulled and end this thing once and for all. I can't believe that you are even questioning whether you should stay with him. Are you serious? Why would you even consider wanting to stay in this situation any longer than you absolutely have to?

You're totally miserable and your life totally sucks right now. And although you may not feel like it's possible, you really can change the situation. You can stand up for yourself once and for all and tell him that you're done being treated this way. You have to stop letting him manipulate you and get into your head and make you doubt everything. Your friends have all seen it and we can all see it based on what you've written, so how can so many people possibly be wrong?

The guy is a jerk plain and simple. He's a bully and he's controlling every single aspect of your life. You're only 25 for pete's sake, you have a lot of living left to do, but it's going to keep sucking unless you make a change. There's nothing to be afraid of with being alone. Your family would no doubt take you back if you left him. They would welcome you and your kids with open arms if they knew you were leaving him for real. The only reason why they cut you off is because they know this husband of yours is a jerk and they are giving you tough love by telling you it's time to ditch the loser or else they don't want to watch you destroy your life by staying with him. Because that's exactly what you're doing by staying with him is destroying your life. Why would you do that to yourself? And why would you be content with showing your kids that this kind of life is ok to live? Your kids deserve a better example. If you really loved your kids, you would be more adamant about setting a better example. Right now they think this kind of life is normal and they don't know any different. It's NOT normal! Don't raise them to think this is normal! You're already screwing up your life, don't screw up theirs too! Get out of that situation and stop making excuses for this guy because I guarantee he would not be making excuses for you if the situation were reversed and you were the one acting like him.
You know, my ex was a wonderful guy too, loving, affectionate, bought me things, showed me off in front of his friends...when he wasn't busy lying, cheating, manipulating and hiding things from me. Oh, and calling me terrible names a couple of times when he was drunk, and not wanting me to go out with friends, and accusing HIS friends of hitting on me when all they were doing is saying hello.

In my opinion, the bad outweighed the good. I don't care how wonderful a guy can be, if he's being controlling and manipulative, that cancels out the time he bought you flowers or gave you a back rub.

You don't want the rest of your life to be like this! You are a young woman, you have so much ahead of you! And really, you don't want your kids to have the same kind of marriage you have, do you? Because if you stay, that's exactly what will happen.
[QUOTE=Redneon82;4020625]You know, my ex was a wonderful guy too, loving, affectionate, bought me things, showed me off in front of his friends...when he wasn't busy lying, cheating, manipulating and hiding things from me. Oh, and calling me terrible names a couple of times when he was drunk, and not wanting me to go out with friends, and accusing HIS friends of hitting on me when all they were doing is saying hello.

In my opinion, the bad outweighed the good. I don't care how wonderful a guy can be, if he's being controlling and manipulative, that cancels out the time he bought you flowers or gave you a back rub.

You don't want the rest of your life to be like this! You are a young woman, you have so much ahead of you! And really, you don't want your kids to have the same kind of marriage you have, do you? Because if you stay, that's exactly what will happen.[/QUOTE]


REDNEON82:..hey you sure our EX's weren't brothers..LOL....That fits a real good description of my EX.....What I never could figure out was his wife of 17 yrs prior stayed w/ him, of course she said for the kids, but yet she told me the kids suffered, but at least she finally got out, but she said she wish she would have done it different because it is harder when your older to start over, and although now she did remarry and things came together for her, she still said never again would she put up w/ that kind of person.....





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:52 PM.





2019 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!