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Feeling low
Jun 29, 2009
I posted last week about my breakup two weeks ago after almost a year and a half. I'm having some low moments today and could just use a sounding board. We loved each other, but had a lot of ups and downs, nearly split up a couple of times, and had been doing long distance for the prior five months since his job was transferred. There are many reasons things did not work between us, but the main one was that he decided he did not want to pursue a future with me, he could no longer see it. While I know he is a person struggling with getting his life in order (unsure of career, lots of debt, bad credit, neglectful of health, temper) and that we were never a perfect match, we obviously had a lot of great times and I saw more to him than the baggage. I loved him without condition and truly believed he would work through his own things and make us work. But he lost interest in trying and in me.

It has been two weeks and I am just a mix of emotions. I miss him terribly at times and wind up crying each day. I miss the comfort and routine of him and all of the inside jokes we had. I miss the plans for vacations and weddings and concerts we'll never have together. I miss just curling up with him or talking about our days, cooking together, the last phone call each night. I mostly miss knowing he had my back, that he was there if I needed him, that I had someone I could count for anything. I have good friends and family, though my family all lives out of state. I am pretty self sufficient overall and have a good life. But I am really sad and hurt right now. That he was the one with the issues and baggage, he caused the drama and arguments, he nearly ended it a few times but then begged me to move with him when he was transferred (I declined). I was stable and supportive the whole time, a constant for him. And he is the one who decided I'm not worth the effort and he's better off without me. We're not in contact, I told him we would not be when it ended and meant it. He texted me a few days later and emailed a week out, just asking me to email and say I am ok and he'd leave me alone. But I didn't, it would do nothing for me and just serve to make him feel better. I am sticking to it, because I know no contact is the best way to go. But I am so lonely at times it is downright painful. I ache for him and miss what we had. I try to run scenarios of reconciliation through my head. I wish I had done or said things differently. I just feel really disposable right now, easy to move on and away from. It hurts that he just gave up and left, that he was so in love he used to talk of marrying me and now he simply has no desire at all to be with me.

We had plans for the fourth this weekend to be with his family for a huge BBQ on the beach for four days. I cancelled my vacation time and will be in the office working while he is there. It is just sad to me, I'll be alone, trying to get through a long weekend, and he'll be having fun and surrounded by his family and friends, where I am supposed to be, where I was last year. I have good friends who understand and are there to make plans with and talk to. But I still just miss him dearly and keep wanting him to show up on my doorstep. I know this relationship was harder than it should have been, but I would give anything just to have him back right now. It is better than being alone.





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