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Thank you all for ur attention here and ur help. I really appreciate it.
To Larrylou’smom,
Thank you.
The part u said were not understand, was mostly saying our complicated marriage.
I’m clear and understand for the reminding from everyone to let me be prepared for the day we separate. So I said no worse that the result of divorce. That’s certainly not what I want, I don’t want to divorce once I got married. But to him, I know he doesn’t want one, at least for now, cause we are new married, he said he loves me, he likes making love to me, but not sure in the future. He said I’m jealous, insecure, immature, and he’ll not play this childish game with me. So I’m not sure how far we can go. Whenever I ask him do u love me? He’ll say of course, or I’d not marry u. He said I was the first one and the only one that he took to see rings, ever thought about getting married and having children. He loves me, I know it too, and he knows I’d do things to please him. But I just don’t understand why he is still keeping in touch with other women, like what’s the point? I just knew that he would go meet another woman tomorrow. That’s a woman he listed in the Fine Women catalog on his aim list. I don’t know what’s the necessity to go meet another woman or keep in touch with those exs even they have a bad mouth while saying loves me.
I asked him would he go meet other girls without letting me know? He said he doesn’t have to , it doesn’t matter with who he meets who he calls or who he talks with or texts, just like none of my business. What can I say whenever he says it’s none of my business? Isn’t that my business when he talks about me and our arguments? Isn’t that my business if my husband goes to someone else? Or just have this kinda possibility? He said I’m very jealous so he would not tell me or let me know anything. I said I might be more suspicious if I found out afterwards. He said u are very jealous now, and no worse than this, either way u’ll be upset, so he’ll not say anything.
About us, we are 25 years apart, we knew each other since Jan and got married in Apr. Not all because we wanted to get married but kind of we had to. But he wouldn’t if he really didn’t want to do that. He runs his own business for a long time, so he thinks he’s a successful man and wealthy and talent and everything. So it’ll not difficult for him to find someone else. There are always gold diggers waiting for someone like this to take advantage of each other and satisfied themselves on their own purpose. Comparing with him, I’m younger, and I’m not that beautiful but not ugly either, so even if we separate, I don’t think I’ll have any problem to find someone else. So I say life will go on even without him, but just I don’t want to yet. I love him not for his money, business or anything, I just love him for himself. But I didn’t know he has that side. He didn’t know me I would be like this, no longer that nice and happy fun girl.
But now, I’ll try to be myself again. I’m working on all the things that everybody helps me and suggests me to do. I wanna be independent, I wanna go to work, earn my money and everything. BTW, I don’t want his money cause I think it’s a wife’s obligation to help my husband, we should together as one, so I don’t get pay from him. He covers most of my Spence, even I don’t feel comfortable with that. So even we went to a mall I’ll not buy anything even I like them. I don’t want to spend his money. And since I have been with him, he has never taken me to any outlets, malls to buy anything, I used to go shopping almost every week before, he only bought me some funny shirts from walmart or cheap places. I can understand him that he needs to gather all the money he could gather to buy the other house, and I volunteered to lend him all the money I had. That’s all the money I earned last year which was the first year I started to work. That’s another reason why he covers me, cause I have no money now.
I know I’ve written too long and everything seems confused and unclear, but that’s what like in my mind now. Confusing and helpless. He’s not fair to me and not worth what I’ve done or how much I’ve loved him I think, it’s me that deserve much better maybe. Anybody can read this all?
To Jana83, thank you very much for ur words. It gave me kinda power from the heart. I'm an emotional person, and I appreciate ur intelligent and everything.
I didn't espect the marriage can be this hard. That's what I thought to comfort myself,too, like we knew each other not for long, 25 years gap,etc. Sometimes I even think about our zodiac signs, we both Leo, how can we get along??

You haven't said how old he is, but since he's 25 years older than you, I assume he's nearing 50 or so. At this age most men begin to be afraid they'll lose their virility, their sex appeal and it can be like a second puberty. Most of them will seek attention from (other) women, just to prove to themselves that they're still "men". Although that doesn't mean they'll cheat. Not necessarily, especially since your relationship is still fresh and exciting. And mybe he's just going through a phase and will come out of it soon.
Yes, he is near his 50s, we both will have our birthdays at the end of this month. He'll be 46 and i'll be 21. He is confident in himself I think, but also I could read his falsity,even though he'll never admit. He looks younger more or less, cause he's in a good shape and looks young on face too. He always say he's always young, always 25 etc. But I don't think he said i'm immature is for covering his fear of old. He said i'm immature cause he always say I'm very jealous,I have massive mood swings, I'm vrey insecured etc. He had 3 long term relations, 3 5-year-old relations, the last one finished in 2002 or 03 I think, they lived together until he found that one cheated on him and he threw all her stuff out the garage and let her pick up. After that he had a lot of girls, i'm sure some of them just for sex. He said there were only 3 or 4 women in his life he'd ever real loved, I was one of them. I thought about he's used to be alone with himself too, but I wish he could give me more consideration and a lot of times, I don't think he care for me. Maybe he is too "old" to understand what a lil girl thinks or wants, on the contrary, I was a daddy's lil girl, i used to have a lot of attention, and my ex boyfriend was a Cancer, he loved me very much, cared about me a lot, listened to me and respected me, like if I don't want him to do something, he'll not do it for me to make me happy. I think that's what my nowadays husband said, "u are trying to control." But I really don't think one should keep in touch with someone when the other one is against a lot, it's like he is not on the same side with you, instead on the opposite side against u, and made me feel others are all more important than me.

I could say if anything happen, it can't be worse than a divorce and it would be not that bad. But deeply in the heart, I can't accept it and not prepared yet. Cause I don't want to go to that last step. He asked me whether I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, i said yes, and he asked U promise? And once i didn't answer cause I thought action speaks louder than words, if all the promise obeyed, how come there are so many people got divorced? But he was kinda pushing me and leading me to follow him say I promise I'll stay with u forever, i'll do anything to make it work. That happened when we made love though. I often think that could only happen when we had sex, cause he likes our sexual life very much, and it's kinda excitment for him to see I'm obsessed.

On one hand he said he loves me very much,that's why he married me, otherwise he'd not marry me, I'm so special to him, of course he wants to spend rest of his life with, etc. But on the other hand, at the back of me, I found out what he said to the girl he dated right before me, as we just got leagally married but not the wedding yet, he didn't tell anybody he's married beside his sister, even doesn't like to mention about he's engaged, especially to the girls. Anyway he said to that girl,"you weren't marrying her because of the different religious beliefs & massive mood swings, just needed time to get out of the mess you were in". It was said 2 weeks ago, by that time we might have another arguement, but he was constantly saying I love u those things too. So I don't really know which side i could trust. Maybe he can't let me go yet just because he doesn't have the money to pay me back yet. That's all he gonna bear me for now. Once he pays me back, I don't know there's any other reason for him to keep me, cause I think what he said to that woman is what really going on in his mind. I believe that's his true thoughts. Meanwhile, even tell myself to be prepared, but still keep a flash of hope of luck...

That woman, she IS still interested in him, wanted to come back to him, I think he knows that clearly. But he is saying loving me by his full heart while stabbing me on the back with another woman shows him apparent interests.
How can I belive or even trust him?

But today, I go back off that woman myself, even by an ignoble method, I pretend to be him talking with that woman and told her "I" love her very much, told her the truth we are married and it's impossible for her to come back to "me", "we" were not serious but she is "my" real deal. That absolutely hurt that woman, she was at a loss of words and got mad. I didn't care of course, but how poor I am that those words were told by me PRETENDING being him, instead of himself. How much I wish it's him told her himself. I'm even afraid that he will be pissed off for letting him loosing that girl(friend) and choose to leave me, also because I "went through" his private thing (his live talking software). I know he'll be very angry at that, (he doen't know I know his passcode) about "violating his privacy". But what else can i do if he doesn't go back off them, I have to guard my love myself, how much I hope he'll agree what I said to that woman that "I'm his real deal, the girl he really wants, if she's gone, omg..."

I'm so poor but so hateful, an't I? :(

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