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Relationship Health Message Board

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This will b long. I have been with my husband since highschool. We got married young. I was mentally abused and he even somewhat physically abused me. He never bruised me or anything. I cried a lot and left several times but ended up believing he changed because he would cry and beg me back. I ended up pregnant and have an 11 year old daughter. He got better but i was still emotionally abused. I ended up getting pregnant again and my husband treated me so bad. My baby ended up dieing. I think that that pushed me to where i didnt want to b with my husband anymore but didnt know how to leave. I had been with him so long. Well i ended up having an affair. I didnt mean for it to happen. It started out as friendship. He made me so happy. I wanted to leave my husband. Well the guy ended up leaving his wife and we got caught before i could leave. I felt so horrible for what i had done. I felt like the worst person on earth. My husband wanted to give it another try. I didnt know what to do. I still loved him for some odd reason but i was in love with the other guy too. I felt like i had to give my marriage another try. What if i left my husband and regretted it. Well i broke it off with the other guy and he went back to his wife. The other man was so mad at me. I didnt speak to the other man for a year. It was so hard. I thought about him all the time. So many tears but i thought that it was a fantasy and i would soon get over him. Well one morning a year later he called me. He told me he missed me and still loved me. We started talking again. It felt so good. I had missed him so much. Well i never met him or touched him we just talked. Well he left his wife for good. But then something changed. MY HUSBAND! He was better than he ever was. Completely changed husband. He started doing everything for me. Treated me like a queen. Now how could i leave him. I couldnt. So I stopped talking to other man but he would still call me every couple of months to check on me and tell me he loves me. Well now it has been 3 1/2 years since we got caught. He is now dating anther lady and is serious. He still calls me from time to time. He basically told me that he was going to have to marry her since i was never going to leave. He even told me that all i had to do was leave and he would leave this new girl. I just feel like my husband has been a changed man for over 2 years now and i cant leave him. I do love him. But then again i cant get the other man out of my mind. It has been 2 months since i talked to other man and the last thing that was said was he told me to call him when i decided to leave. I guess he was tired of waiting on me to leave. So now i guess i want ever talk to him again unless i leave. I miss him so much. I still love him but i love my husband too. I am so back and forth its driving me crazy. How can i still love the other man? I havent touched him in 3 1/2 years. I dont wont to hurt my husband he has come so far. I dont know how much longer i can live like this. I am so depressed. But how about if i left my husband for the other man and i regret it later on? Please dont judge me. I wish i could take it all back.

I guess he has changed. He does everything for me. He gets groceries, fixes me breakfast on Sunday mornings in bed, washes my vehicle and does anything i ask him to do. He does still have a little temper but I guess we all do. He tells me he loves me all the time. He use to never tell me. I know that if I got sick he would take care of me. I use to never be able to go any where or do anything and he now doesnt say too much about it. Now if I told him I was going out with my friends on a Friday or Saturday night he would scream at me and throw a fit and we would be in a huge argument. Of course I dont care about going out with friends on a Friday or Sat night anyway so to me its no big deal.
I did tell him that i thought we needed to split up for a while that I needed time. He told me that he was not having a temporary seperation. That if I wanted to split up we could just sleep in different rooms until we sold the house because he was not leaving for me to have men up in his house. I dont even want men up in here. I dont know why he even says that. I want time to figure out who i am and what I want. So if I want to seperate, I will have to leave with my daughter and then he would probably take me to court to make me pay half the house payment. I cant pay half the house payment plus pay rent for where ever i go. I feel stuck. I do wonder when he is going to snap back to who he was. I remember being so scared and cried all the time. He would scream at me in front of our daughter one minute and then the next minute begging me to forgive him. So back and forth. I felt like i was on a roller coaster.
As far as the other man. He basically told me he had to move on that he knew I was never leaving my husband. He said that he does like this other woman and that its all good but he wished that things would have been different. I dont know if its a fantasy or not. I just know that i do care about him deeply. I wish him the best and I wonder how he is all the time. I know he would treat my daughter good. I just dont know if it would work out for us. I know that we all have problems.
I think my main problem is, I dont know if I stay because I truly love my husband or not. Or if this is what Im use to. My comfort zone! I have been with my husband since High School and now I am n my 30s. He is still a little controlling but i guess we can all b. I dont know. I am just so confussed.

Even when I do find things to do I still think of him. We took a vacation and I thought about him several times. I dont know if I am bored with my husband or if Im just bored. I have plenty to do but i would like to do more things with my friends. But it seems like they are always busy and when they are not my husband is home and he would get ill if i left him to hang out with them. I would have to hear that i want to stay gone all the time. My husband doesnt hang out with anybody anymore. So all he does is work and come home to us. i try to get him to do things but he says he doesnt care to do anything but be here. I guess thats a good thing but then I just want to hang out with my friends sometimes. One weekend I went to my friends house and we just hung out and talked for around 3 hours. The next day on a Sunday she came over and we went up town shopping for around 2 hours. When I got home, all I heard was that I never wanted to be with him and all I wanted to do was stay gone all the time. We ended up argueing a little over it. That was around 2 ago. If he went to a friends house i wouldnt say anything about it. Wouldnt bother me. Is that controlling me?

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