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Being frustrated is one thing, he's not showing frustration he is showing anger. There is a huge difference between the two! Frustrated is like, ok well that sucks and I'm really annoyed but whatever. But angry is ripping the modem out of the wall and smashing it and insisting that punching the wall is normal behavior.

He is feeding you a line and you're buying it. You need to seriously wake up and see what's happening here. He's lying to you about his anger management issues. Boys who grow up seeing their moms get beat up and who also get beat up by the father figure in the home always end up with serious emotional damage that makes them think that kind of behavior is ok and acceptable. He is already proving that to you with this line about punching the wall. He thinks it's normal when in fact it's completely abnormal. That's just the tip of the iceberg. How many other abnormal reactions to things is he going to try to pass off to you as being due to his "frustration" when in fact it's clear to everyone that he's actually just an angry guy?

There's just something really weird about this guy. It's not normal.
Your boyfriend sounds like me :D and I'm a girl! I am an incurable choleric, if I hit my foot against the couch, I kick the couch and yell at it too (recently I've pregressed to yelling/cursing only). It's the way I am. I used to smash glasses and hurt myself by hitting the wall or the counter etc. I had a lot of problems with anger management, but I've gotten better at it.

Just because I hit inanimate objects doesn't mean I'd ever try hitting my boyfriend or anyone else. I have the necessary self-control. Actually, the thought doesn't even cross my mind. And my anger is directed at things or at myself. Just because you hit walls doesn't mean you'll hit your parnter next.

I know such an outburst is very hard to watch and I wouldn't advise you to get in the middle of it, although if you can get his attention and if you can keep really calm, you might be able to break his rage and help him release tension (by crying or deep breathing for example). However it's a good idea to get involved and help soothe him later. Also, I know that I personally feel ashamed afterwards when I have an outbreak in front of my boyfriend and I can see he's scared (not of me hitting him, but of my violent behavior and emotions).

You really shouldn't have to be his buffer always though and he does need to learn how to control his anger a little better. Once he has kids, he should definitely not be doing this - ever. Why don't you guys enroll in a yoga or meditation class? It could help him learn how to deal with anger better. I know it did help me.

Or if he's the type at all, maybe he should take martial arts classes. Marital arts are about discipline and you get rid of a lot of excess energy and aggression. I did ninjutsu and it helped me no end.

This may sound silly, but take a look at your nutrition as well. Some people have a reaction against all the chemicals we're ingesting (like monosodium glutamate, aspartame, etc.) and one reaction to these might be aggression/anxiety etc. Try eating healthier, less processed food. If he drinks alcohol, it would be a good idea to cut down.

Above all, find an activity you enjoy and where you can get physically active - that way a lot of tension will be worked out of his system without him even noticing.

Just a note about age: I am now 25 and I have mostly stopped having rages. I get one very occasionally and they're nothing like they used to be. When I was 21, I had more. If you work at it, you can grow out of such behavior.
[QUOTE=Tivo123;4036776]Boys who grow up seeing their moms get beat up and who also get beat up by the father figure in the home always end up with serious emotional damage that makes them think that kind of behavior is ok and acceptable. He is already proving that to you with this line about punching the wall. He thinks it's normal when in fact it's completely abnormal. [/QUOTE]

I'm not so sure he thinks it's normal behavior, since he feels remose and guilt later. I'm pretty sure he knows this is not healthy behavior, but he just doesn't have the knowledge and tools to quit - yet.

I didn't grow up in an abusive home, my parents didn't even fight a lot and nobody hit anybody (I only got a very few spankings when I was little and they were deserved) and I still had/have anger management issues. I am also very much aware of my behavior not being normal and I'm working on it.

So if he's at all willing to work on this, you can safely give him a chance and if things get better, great. If not, however, you should consider leaving him. Even if things don't escalate, living with someone who is unwilling to work towards becoming a better person is not a very good situation to be in.





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