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Your boyfriend sounds like me :D and I'm a girl! I am an incurable choleric, if I hit my foot against the couch, I kick the couch and yell at it too (recently I've pregressed to yelling/cursing only). It's the way I am. I used to smash glasses and hurt myself by hitting the wall or the counter etc. I had a lot of problems with anger management, but I've gotten better at it.

Just because I hit inanimate objects doesn't mean I'd ever try hitting my boyfriend or anyone else. I have the necessary self-control. Actually, the thought doesn't even cross my mind. And my anger is directed at things or at myself. Just because you hit walls doesn't mean you'll hit your parnter next.

I know such an outburst is very hard to watch and I wouldn't advise you to get in the middle of it, although if you can get his attention and if you can keep really calm, you might be able to break his rage and help him release tension (by crying or deep breathing for example). However it's a good idea to get involved and help soothe him later. Also, I know that I personally feel ashamed afterwards when I have an outbreak in front of my boyfriend and I can see he's scared (not of me hitting him, but of my violent behavior and emotions).

You really shouldn't have to be his buffer always though and he does need to learn how to control his anger a little better. Once he has kids, he should definitely not be doing this - ever. Why don't you guys enroll in a yoga or meditation class? It could help him learn how to deal with anger better. I know it did help me.

Or if he's the type at all, maybe he should take martial arts classes. Marital arts are about discipline and you get rid of a lot of excess energy and aggression. I did ninjutsu and it helped me no end.

This may sound silly, but take a look at your nutrition as well. Some people have a reaction against all the chemicals we're ingesting (like monosodium glutamate, aspartame, etc.) and one reaction to these might be aggression/anxiety etc. Try eating healthier, less processed food. If he drinks alcohol, it would be a good idea to cut down.

Above all, find an activity you enjoy and where you can get physically active - that way a lot of tension will be worked out of his system without him even noticing.

Just a note about age: I am now 25 and I have mostly stopped having rages. I get one very occasionally and they're nothing like they used to be. When I was 21, I had more. If you work at it, you can grow out of such behavior.
About his fear that you don't love him if you suggest an approach to his problem...that's really a matter of putting things. If you tell him that you love him so much you're trying to help him and that his outbursts scare you, though you know he'd never hurt you, because you know how much he loves you, but that you want him to be a happier person and you're in this together. He doesn't have to be alone in this, you'll always support him and you'll work it through together. Etc. to that avail.

It's basically the way my boyfriend talked to me about my rages, always accepting me for who I am and saying he's there for me, he loves me, but letting me know he'd be much happier if I'd be prepared to deal with this problem.

I wish you good luck! Maybe it would help if you go along with him and both of you take up martial arts. Or another idea, since he may not be into yoga (being a young male ;) though I must say my boyfriend was also not too excitedm, but willing to try it and he became really enthusiastic about yoga), you might try and find a tao of love workshop or course. It also teaches you to control your energy flow and it is a form of meditation, but for the purpose of enhancing your sexual experience :D so that might appeal to him much more.





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