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Seventeen years ago I dealt w/ a very traumatic event, My 8 month old baby was severally shaken by my b/f at the time while under his care when I had to leave for 30 minutes...and w/ in 15 minutes of me being gone my life changed forever.....It goes to show you don't know a person, this man never showed any violent behavior and seem to really like kids....but, in a matter of minutes due to my son crying and not feeling well he lost control. That was the first time I have ever heard of Shaken Baby Syndrome(SBS)......(long story to that one)

I returned home to my mother on my front porch screaming, "get to the hospital"..I got to the ER room and the nurse stopped me to tell me that my son was not breathing but had a heart beat....I slid down the wall and just thought "oh my goodness" please, God be with him, let him be OK....

To make a long story short...My son survived that day, but only after a long battle of life support, comas and extensive rehab, surgeries, etc...and is now permanently disabled, he suffers from cerebral palsy, seizure disorder, mental retardation, partial paralysis, visually impaired, he is 18 yrs old w/ the mentality of a 12- 18 month old infant. But, he is a fighter....As I as well stood strong and together we got over many hard times....But I never grieved of that day...and inside I held all the emotions of every detail, every thought, all my emotional battles that I dealt with through out the years.

Two years ago, it had finally taken a toll on me, due to my health issues myself and w/ keeping all the emotions inside of me had torn me a part physically and mentally, and several times I have reached out to friends and family just to hear me so I can release all the pent up anger, hurt and fears. I knew it was time to release all the emotions that I felt, I wanted that weight off from me. Each time the doors were shut, no one wanted to hear about it, but these people were the first people to come to me when they needed a friend, but seemed to distant them self if I started at anytime to speak of my pain....No one can change the fact of what happened that day, but just being a shoulder to cry on, to listen, to respond in some manner and comfort me is all I asked and for some reason I can not get that from anyone....

I tried the counseling thing and it didn't work out, I didn't feel comfortable expressing such deep emotions to a stranger, besides when you have a disabled child, plus other children at home you better seem that you have it all together or they bring in agencies that can cause you nothing but grief.....I have on several occasions tried to talk w/ my partner about what i went through, and he closes the doors every time, w/ different excuses and sometimes says nothing at all and acts as if I pushed him away or he is upset w/ me because he won't speak w/ me at all.....Just totally distant. The strange thing is he has only been a part of my sons life for 2 yrs and he will talk deeply w/ others about his experience and what he feels about living and dealing w/ a disabled child, as he feels he needs to express himself, but yet he distance himself from me when I need to speak of my pain....He tells me that it is hard to hear such things and he never had to live anything like that and don't want to hear about such a terrible tragedy...But, if one of his friends called he is right there to listen, to be that shoulder, but to me I get silence....There has been times when it was hard for him to deal w/ some issues that my son was going through and he needed that guidance of strength from me, which I gave and he felt better once he got to express himself, which was great, but in return the silence came and the doors shut again when I in return was trying to express myself.....

I was giving a choice 17 yrs ago to allow my son to live or die by the doctors, and I couldn't make that kind of choice, I am not God, that was my baby laying there....My mother has made comments of maybe i made the wrong choice in life because now my son is suffering and unhappy, well my son is one of the happiest people I know, he is great kid...he even is devilish at times(LOL).....My family was not supportive of my choice, they were not helpful going through any of this....I felt and still feel so alone, and it eats at me every day of the past 17 yrs and still fighting to this day to give my son the best life I can.....I don't know what to do, I know deep inside I would feel so much better if I just could figure out a way to have my partner or my family listen to me and respond to me as if I was not burdening them w/ my troubles...Everyone looks at me as if I am this totally strong person that can get through anything, but no one will see that I am hurting and when I do, its like everyone scatters w/ the concept of just leaving me alone, don't they get it, I have been alone through all of this for years, I don't want to feel alone through all of this. Is there another way to approach it to have that shoulder to lean on?





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