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So sorry this is long, but I really really could use some perception on this life I am living. I just turned 55 and I am still young at heart, but I ache all over and my head is scrambled because I married this angry man. Hubby is coming up 62;dump truck contractor in Canada; this is his 2nd marriage and we have been married 5 years and together 12 years. He has 4 boy all grown only 2 come around with their wives and family the other 2 are twenty somethings and too cool.

This is not my first marriage; I have a 37 year old married son with two small children-who I rarely see-there excuse-my husband. My siblings don't come over because -of my husband. When him and I are alone together he talks so big-man like everyone ticks him off or their a loser-every one but him. He is like a calm before a storm, he can be so nice and engaging and we will be talking and having laughs. BAM out of no where I may have missed something he said or ansered incorrectly (by this I mean gave my own opinion on something that did not agree with his). He drinks a ton of beer, he can go through a 30 pack of beer in 4 days and more if a weekend is involded. He is not a fun drinker-I quit drinking when I met him because we could not drink together-I don't drink at all anymore & don't miss it. When he has his boys over on the weekends they hang out in the driveway for hours popping off on beer after another-I don't hang out there with them, I have projects I work on.

When they leave he will come in the house demanding his dinner or picking at me with his petty insults. I do not antagonize a boozer I won't waste my energy. I will make him something to eat, I won't say a word & head to my room (it's not a padded cell-I have my computer, phone, TV all my hobbies-I love my room). A few weeks ago I was in my room working on my laptop and just said "look I don't care if you drink but when you stay out of my face". Well this brute of a man picks up my running table fan and proceeds to lift it up and towards me-a second thought entered his head and he instead threw it into my $1500 brand new laptop-totalled. I was stunned!! Stunned. I was so mad I threw it back at him on his way out of my room and put a nice hole in my door. He didn't bring the freak out up for days, he was a little meeker for the next few days, but my opinion of him really changed at this point. He has called me awful names for reason's only he knows-because I know I have done nothing to set him off-he wants to fight and he comes and get's it going. But to destroy my property and to feel he has the right to destroy my property makes me feel who the heck are you?? Then one of his sons & wife was here last weekend and he must have brought up the fan/.computer fiasco 3 times laughing each time. I told him it wasn't funny and say's in his man-voice WHAT DID YOU SAY??? Maybe another computer will get busted tonight-hey?-would you like that?!!! The thing is his family just think he is being funny because they don't realize he really did do this. He comes across as so polite and stoic in personallity- he's a closet verbal abusing drunk-is what he is.

This man has tantrums, he throws his dinner plate on the floor or at the fridge or me if he so happens to feel like it. He tells me he hates me so much, and his life is ruined because of me being in it, he even said one time I wish you would die-I can't stand you! The next day I don't say "oh that's allright you were just mad-it was my fault" NOWAY on the other hand I do not call him on it in a serious way because he will freak all over again. Ii am walking on eggshells, I am so exhausted and stressed out in my own home. He gets over it, I don't I hurt deeply probably forever because these mean , things he does to me pile up and they are still clear as water to me many months later. Last night I was making his dinner & he said "I don't want my dinner stick it---. The things he calls me will be left to the imagination. I have to say I do not feel low self-confidence because I am confident in my self, these burst's of outrage and fits reflect more on him and something going on in him than me. I know that.

I will never ever go to a DR, he goes once a year for his Truck class medical and the DR's just fill it out the way the guy wants and takes his $150. This last years medical the Dr took his blood pressure and ask him if he has ever had a stroke, or heart problems &n he said no-the Dr said that's amazing!

Okay so high BP acccounts partly for his short fuse don't understand why he takes that out on me. His face turns purple red and he is spitting his words and his eyes are wild when he blows. I am scared of him, I no longer trust his love for me-even when he says he is sorry and he loves me because we are a minute away from another explosion. I relax during the week when he is working then come Saturday I am seized up silly. I can't make him go to a DR, I can't stop him from drinking, I can't throw him out of his home because I know he would really come at me then. I can't leave my life is here, I am a homebody, I love my home, I love my bulldogs, I love my garden.

I feel such guilt at times because I actually find myself thinking I wish some health issue will stop him in his tracks & I hate that feeling. I am not that kind of person. I no longer work I have early retired for a long term job and parked my pension, I am trying to teach my self web design and desk top publishing to give me something as a job of interest and work from home. I have had too many bosses in my life and I live with another-no more people running my life. Sorry so long-I had a lot to get off my chest, thanks

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