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My boyfriend and I have been together for a 2 years and 7 months. In that time, our relationship has been pretty good, except for one particular area. He has been friends with a guy (we'll call him Michael) for 16 years and whenever Michael calls him up to hang out, my boyfriend ditches me- even if we had prior plans!

Tonight, was Michael's birthday and we were going to go to his b-day bbq. Then, last minute, Michael decides it's going to be a guys night thing and my boyfriend sends me a text to say that Michael changed his mind and no girls are going to the party. Yes, our plans were to go to Michael's party, but I feel like I've been ditched again. I'm sitting here, on the computer because I didn't have time to make any other plans for Saturday night, since I thought I was already doing something.

It wouldn't be that big of deal, but my boyfriend turns into a jerk every time this guy snaps his fingers to hang out. I can't figure out why... my boyfriend can do whatever he likes, with whomever he likes, and we do things with our friends outside of the relationship. I'm just sick and tired of him not considering OUR plans, whenever Michael wants to do something.

When we started dating, my boyfriend went to Michaels house, and told me he'd call me in two hours so we could go out (HIS idea, not mine) and he never called. Another time, he went to Michael's daughter's birthday party, and we were supposed to go out after (again, HIS idea...) and he texted me at 6 saying, "we're saying our goodbyes now." Then two hours later, I called HIM to see if he was going to be free that night. Once, we had plans to go to the movies. Michael called cause he wanted to go to GNC and look at vitamins and... no movies for me!

Lastly, we were supposed to go camping on the weekend of Memorial day or Labor day... I get the two confused. It's the one that happens in May. Anyway, he told me that Michael had backstage passes to the WWE that same weekend, but he'd rather go camping with me. A situation with his mother prevented us from going camping. That same weekend, there was also a big concert I wanted to go to. Now, mind you, I was going to miss this concert because we were going to go camping and I was totally cool with that; I'd much rather be in a tent in the middle of nowhere than anywhere else. However, when we ended up saying in town, I told my boyfriend that I was going to go to the concert, since we weren't going camping and he asked to come along with me. I told him that was fine and I was really excited. 2 days before the concert, he told me he was going to go to WWE. I was so hurt and angry because my boyfriend asked ME if he could come with me to the concert. He made me feel like something better had come along and he wanted to do that instead.

How do I handle this? Whenever I point out that he turns into a jerk around Michael, he gets angry. I told him it's just this ONE friend that it happens around, but he blames me and says I just don't like Michael and he's sorry, "we've been friends for 16 years and he's one of my best friends." This has happened numerous times. We have plans and he breaks them for another guy. I know things come up, and I'm flexible, but this has become a pattern. He also breaks out plans with no consideration to me. If he was like, "I know we have plans to go to the movies, but can we go a little earlier or later (or another day!) because Michael wants to go to look at vitamins" then things would be a little bit better. Instead, he just ditches me... saying, "Michael wants to go look at vitamins and I'm going to go with him." That's rude....

Help! Any suggestions? How can I show him it's not that i want to control him, but that I want him to treat me with consideration and respect our plans, even if this guy calls him out of the blue. How can I get him to stop blaming me for not liking his friend and get him to see that it's HIM who is causing us problems? I like all of his other buddies... I am an easy-going girlfriend. I'm just tired of being ditched whenever Michael snaps his fingers.

Sorry for how long this is....
It gets better... he swore he'd call me tonight (I didn't ask him to, he volunteered) and he just texted me (at 11:40) saying that he hoped my night was okay and his was all right. He is going to stay at Michael's tonight because he's drunk. I did ask him not to get drunk, because I do not like or trust Michael, and he always "somehow" persuades my boyfriend into drinking when he, "really didn't want to, but Michael talked me into it."

I just sent back two nasty texts and am going to shut off my phone. I don't know what to do! I'm so angry, I cannot possibly talk to him for awhile... I might not even do so tomorrow.

Why is it he turns into such an ass hole around this guy? He told me that they didn't want to have a huge party because Michael's wife HAS CANCER, but they all got so drunk that they have to spend the night there? How's that for respecting your sick wife? I hate this guy and, right now, I hate my boyfriend. It's the only way I can protect myself from the hurt. Cause it really does hurt....
[QUOTE=desertgirl;4049786]It gets better... he swore he'd call me tonight (I didn't ask him to, he volunteered) and he just texted me (at 11:40) saying that he hoped my night was okay and his was all right. He is going to stay at Michael's tonight because he's drunk. I did ask him not to get drunk, because I do not like or trust Michael, and he always "somehow" persuades my boyfriend into drinking when he, "really didn't want to, but Michael talked me into it."

I just sent back two nasty texts and am going to shut off my phone. I don't know what to do! I'm so angry, I cannot possibly talk to him for awhile... I might not even do so tomorrow.

Why is it he turns into such an ass hole around this guy? He told me that they didn't want to have a huge party because Michael's wife HAS CANCER, but they all got so drunk that they have to spend the night there? How's that for respecting your sick wife? I hate this guy and, right now, I hate my boyfriend. It's the only way I can protect myself from the hurt. Cause it really does hurt....[/QUOTE]

Wow - I thought this Michael character was a jerk even BEFORE you said he was married, and to a woman who is battling for her life no less. This guy is one sorry excuse for a husband. Because, consider, all the time your boyfriend is not spending with you, that's also time Michael is not spending with his sick wife, helping her around the house, maybe doing some light shopping for her, anything to make her life easier, unless the vitamins were for her, which I doubt. It could be there's a lot of unspoken stuff going on, like perhaps Michael is getting drunk, wanting to hang out with the guys, keeping away from his wife, keeping girlfriends away, etc. because he can't handle his wife's illness. But he will be very very sorry for handling it in such a selfish, immature way one day. And it's not fair of him to suck your boyfriend into it, and really dim witted of your boyfriend to go along and not encourage his good friend to face his responsibilities and tackle his problems and demons head on.

As for your boyfriend, there is one big, huge glaring fact that you seem to be avoiding facing, the big pink elephant in the room you are trying so hard not to look at - and that is the simple fact that, your boyfriend just likes Michael more than he likes you. Your boyfriend kind of sounds like a "bros before ho's, chicks come and go but bros are for life" kind of guy. You asked in your first post, "how can I show him I don't want to control him, I just want him to treat me with consideration and respect." Well, you can't show him what he doesnt' want to see. He already thinks he's treating you with all the respect and consideration you deserve. That's why he sees no problem with it and why he's made no attempt, and has even flat out told you he has no intention, of changing.

You have a choice to make. Either accept that this is just who your boyfriend is, and get used to always taking a back seat to Michael, or go find a more mature guy who is done separating from mommy and identifying with daddy and is ready to have a female partner as an equal. A guy who isn't already involved in such a hot and heavy bromance and who can and will make his relationship with you a priority. You have to decide if all the other things you get out of being this guy's girlfriend is worth always coming in second, or not. Is he worth risking missing out on a good relationship with a man who will treat you like the queen of his world? Of course, you might not ever find that guy, and that's a risk you take when leaving a relationship, but even if you were on your own and living your life on your own terms, would that be better or worse than always feeling like you're not good enough to be put first even some of the time? Think long and hard on it, but make no mistake, you will not succeed in bullying, nagging, cajoling, coercing, griping, manipulating, begging or pleading or talking your boyfriend into WANTING to put you first. If he really wanted to put you first, if he felt you deserved to be put first, he would put you first. Men are pretty simple creatures. They do what makes them happy, they do what they want, and they tell you every day in a million different ways who they are and who you are to them. You just have to start listening.





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