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Hi, I am new to these boards, so please be kind....I've been going through some issues with my boyfriend lately and I'm really hoping you all can help me out.

My problem is that insecurities have always plagued me in relationships. This stems from 3 prior long-term relationships where lying was a big problem and eventually led to the break-ups. My prior boyfriends all had issues with honesty and would always lie to me about various things (from school-related issues, to other women, to looking at porn, etc. etc.) It got to the point where I developed major trust issues. I didn't know if they were telling me the truth or not and then I would find out that they were lying to me for months. I had to see a therapist because of all the lies and even had some suicidal thoughts. I was a total emotional mess.

I'm now in a relationship with my current boyfriend, who I've been dating for about 10 months now. We've actually been friends for many years and have the same mutual friends. He has been very good to me. He's supportive, loving, caring, and devoted to me. He knows about all the stuff I went through with my exes and is very aware of all the insecurities I have. We talk about my issues often and he does try to remain patient with me and reassure me that he won't lie to me, like the others. I really can see myself marrying him but I'm afraid that I don't have the strength to get rid of all my insecurities. :(

The issue that has been really bothering me lately is that I know my boyfriend watches porn, usually on the Internet. Initially, I told him I didn't have a problem with it. I think I was trying to convince myself that I didn't have a problem with it but it was still kinda bothering me, although I didn't let on. He told me that since we started dating he doesn't do it nearly as often as he used to, maybe once a week, compared to every day before we started dating. He said that lately, though, it's been more often, like maybe 3-4 times a week. (We only see each other on the weekends since he lives an hour away).

He said that when he watches it, he's picturing us doing those things in the scene, that he doesn't watch porn to check out other women, but to give himself a visual of what we could be doing when we are intimate. He told me that when he is watching it he is thinking about us and what we could be doing. I want to believe that's the truth and that he's not doing it just to check out other women. My fear is that since he is watching it more often now, he is substituting what he's seeing on the screen with actual memories he has of himself with me. [B][I]Why can't he just rely on our intimate memories rather than having to turn to porn? [/I][/B]

I know my issue might sound really lame, but I've had insecurities about porn even before him. I want to be able to overcome this. I don't want to ruin what I have with him.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I don't have anyone to talk to about this because I'm really embarrassed that I'm insecure about this.

Thank you....
I don't believe that just because you don't like your boyfriend looking at porn 4 times a week, that automatically means you're insecure. I have pretty much zero telerance for porn and it has nothing at all to do with insecurity. I personally feel it's degrading to women, men who watch it tend not to have a very realistic, healthy or respectful view of women as partners or as fellow human beings, and it has everything to do with pure sexuality and physicality and nothing at all to do with emotion or love. I would think it would be pretty easy to feel like nothing but a piece of warm meat being with a man who watches a lot of porn and who tends to think of sex in terms of just pure physicality and doesn't see it as having anything at all to do with emotional intimacy or love.

I don't believe he says to himself "boy I'd rather be with this chick than Springday!" I don't really think that's what porn is about to most men, but it does tend to desensitize. I think you need to be honest with yourself first of all. If you have an issue with porn, then don't tell your boyfriend you don't. If you do have insecurities, then that's something you can work on as well. Even if you don't absolutely love your body the way it is, I think you can still accept it and be ok with what you have to work with, knowing you do your best to look as good as you can, and that it's not a competition. Even if you were Giselle, there is still always someone out there younger and hotter and sexier. Security [B]doesn't[/B] come from knowing that you're the hottest sexiest woman around. That's not what sex is really all about anyway, when two people really love each other and have that emotional intimacy and connection. The security comes first, from inside, knowing you are a strong, smart, attractive, worthy woman with a lot to bring to the table, and that you've picked a man who really respects and appreciates all you are, and that he's your best friend and you have such a connection and a bond that Megan Fox, Giselle, and Angelina Jolie could all come up and sit on his lap and he'd smile and say "wow. thanks ladies, I'm flattered, but I'm taken" and take your hand, give you a kiss and leave with you. Like Dr. Phil said, a good man who really loves you will make sure you know that you've got "the best deal in the room", meaning you've got a good man who is with you no matter what. And if a man doesn't want to be that for you, hasta la vista baby.

I think men will always want to look at pretty, sexy naked young women, it's only natural. But if he does it so much that he's making you feel neglected, or that these other women are more desirable than you, or that he'd rather watch porn than be with you, or treats you disrespectfully or cruelly if you don't want to do all the things he sees in these movies or whatever, then that's when it gets to be a problem. And that's not just you being insecure.
[QUOTE=Choice;4055443]Most men respond to visual stimulation more so than a memory. Fantasizing over a memory is more of a female thing. I'm surprised he's that honest with you about watching the porn. To me, as long as he's not ignoring your sexual needs when you are together, I wouldn't think twice about the porn. Sometime in the future, you may even want to watch with him.[/QUOTE]

Hi Choice, I agree with you that men like visual stimulation. My only issue is that I know he wasn't looking at porn as much in the earlier stages of our relationship so he must have been relying on his intimate memories of our physical time together. The fact that he is doing it more lately makes me fear that his physical memories of us are waning and that it's not "enough" for him, if you know what I mean. Thus, he is turning to porn. He says that this is not true, and that he likes to look at porn to get ideas and to give him inspiration about things he would like to try with me, or it will remind him of things we have done. I guess I'm just wondering why he must look at it more now when in past months it was only maybe once a week.

He does not ignore my needs when we are together. We are fairly in tune with one another. I'm not at all opposed to watching porn with him (I have hinted at it, even), but I have to work my way up to doing that because I don't want to have any insecure thoughts if I do that with him.
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;4055509]I don't believe that just because you don't like your boyfriend looking at porn 4 times a week, that automatically means you're insecure. I have pretty much zero telerance for porn and it has nothing at all to do with insecurity. I personally feel it's degrading to women, men who watch it tend not to have a very realistic, healthy or respectful view of women as partners or as fellow human beings, and it has everything to do with pure sexuality and physicality and nothing at all to do with emotion or love. I would think it would be pretty easy to feel like nothing but a piece of warm meat being with a man who watches a lot of porn and who tends to think of sex in terms of just pure physicality and doesn't see it as having anything at all to do with emotional intimacy or love.

I don't believe he says to himself "boy I'd rather be with this chick than Springday!" I don't really think that's what porn is about to most men, but it does tend to desensitize. I think you need to be honest with yourself first of all. If you have an issue with porn, then don't tell your boyfriend you don't. If you do have insecurities, then that's something you can work on as well. Even if you don't absolutely love your body the way it is, I think you can still accept it and be ok with what you have to work with, knowing you do your best to look as good as you can, and that it's not a competition. Even if you were Giselle, there is still always someone out there younger and hotter and sexier. Security [B]doesn't[/B] come from knowing that you're the hottest sexiest woman around. That's not what sex is really all about anyway, when two people really love each other and have that emotional intimacy and connection. The security comes first, from inside, knowing you are a strong, smart, attractive, worthy woman with a lot to bring to the table, and that you've picked a man who really respects and appreciates all you are, and that he's your best friend and you have such a connection and a bond that Megan Fox, Giselle, and Angelina Jolie could all come up and sit on his lap and he'd smile and say "wow. thanks ladies, I'm flattered, but I'm taken" and take your hand, give you a kiss and leave with you. Like Dr. Phil said, a good man who really loves you will make sure you know that you've got "the best deal in the room", meaning you've got a good man who is with you no matter what. And if a man doesn't want to be that for you, hasta la vista baby.

I think men will always want to look at pretty, sexy naked young women, it's only natural. But if he does it so much that he's making you feel neglected, or that these other women are more desirable than you, or that he'd rather watch porn than be with you, or treats you disrespectfully or cruelly if you don't want to do all the things he sees in these movies or whatever, then that's when it gets to be a problem. And that's not just you being insecure.[/QUOTE]

Hi Larrylousmom, I agree with you that security must come from within. Even though someone is not the "hottest" or most attractive, security comes from knowing that you possess qualities that outshine any physicial characteristics. Given that, my bf does compliment me on all my traits, from my physical attractiveness to my intelligence, to my humor and the fact that we share a lot of the same interests, like biking, running, dining out, concerts, movies, etc. So I am confident that he appreciates in me more than just physical traits. He has never made me feel neglected or that other women are more desirable than me. In fact, if someone supermodel celebrity were to come on to him like you mentioned, I think he probably would respond the way you said. I don't doubt his love for me. He even tells me he loves me when we are being intimate with one another.

He really is a great guy, who exhibits more patience with me than I probably deserve, especially when I pepper him with questions pertaining to my insecurities. Why must I do this? How do I stop feeling this way?





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