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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

I find it admirable that you want to help this man who you love wholeheartedly. However, HE is the only one who can help himself. You have gotten some great advice here, and have lots to think about. But I want you to think about one more thing that no one has mentioned.

You say he wants to have children someday. You need to think long and hard about the entire relationship, what your future may be like, and also what may happen to the lives of these children you would be bringing into the world. Does he really think that he can cope with children in his current condition? Not only the noise and stress of raising kids, but the soccer games? The slumber parties? The birthday parties? The friends coming over to visit? What message will he pass along to his children?

My ex-H had a milder form of SAD and I never felt comfortable letting the kids have their friends over, always felt I had to go down to the basement and tell them to keep the noise down, etc. And I felt so guilty for that, as all my life the only thing I wanted was to be a mother, to raise children. I am now out of that relationship and my kids are so much happier for it, but it was very hard on them during those years. (He wasn't their father, but it took a toll on them nonetheless.)

You have a huge choice to make in your life. I don't envy you that because I know how very hard it is for you. But you do need to think about things seriously. Love will not get you through all the trials and tribulations that you will face if he refuses to get treatment. You will be doomed to lots of arguments; loneliness; alienation from your family and friends; and a lifetime of trying to keep your children happy and emotionally healthy while covering for their father's issues.

Sit down and have a very serious talk with him about all of this, impress on him the severity of this, and then stick with whatever decision you make. Right now he's got it easy - he doesn't have to get help because you're sticking by him no matter what. Sure you argue, but you don't leave. He needs to have some incentive, some reason to help himself.

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