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I was wondering if I was in the wrong for getting upset over this situation so any input would be very helpful...

But about a week ago one of my staff members that works for me helping to care of my disabled son asked my partner about going out to the bar, which every time this man works here he brings up about them 2 going to the bar. My staff member is married and has children and is 20+ yrs younger than my partner and the main bar he goes to, plus is a bouncer there is nothing but 18 - 25 yr old that hang out there. This man is constantly talking about other women and always checking out women, which looking isn't wrong, but sometimes this man is making it very obvious to many that he don't just talk. He spends most of his time at bars or out w/ the guys more so than he is home with his wife. To each their own on how they run their marriage, but I don't care for it much and find it very disrespectful. His wife is a really good person and I feel for her when she goes in public especially the bars with him when others know how he can be. This man also hangs out with my son, which also is married and tries to get him to go to the bar as well. He offers free beer to these guys if they will go just to get them to go out there with him. This man is a very good worker as far as my son goes and I would have liked to kept it more on a business level and not so much as a close knit friendship, but that is too late with that.

The other day one of my nieces were here and he was all over her and just trying to impress her, which she had no interest and when we all reminded him "he is married" he told us to never mind what he does, its none of our business, which is true...But I don't feel comfortable w/ my partner out with him at all. I would never tell my partner no he can't do something, but I did make it very clear that I was not comfortable with him going to the bar with our staff member especially the way he is. What that man does on his own time is his business, but I don't feel my partner should be drug into his flirtatious and possible cheating ways. My partner says that this man is just a big talker, well he is the only one that See's that because everyone else that has encountered him see him actually the way he is, very interested in other women even though he is married. My partner actually was upset with me because he felt I didn't trust him and keeping him from going out and took it way out of proportion which made me feel like my partner agrees with this mans ways and would hang out with him even though the consequences it could cause. I felt very disrespected, especially after we made an agreement a long time ago to not do something that the other was very uncomfortable about it. My partner got upset over one of my single friends going on and on about this hot guy and told me that she was being disrespectful in talking of this man to me and as he says drooling, so I spoke with her and told her not to go into details when she See's a man that is hot, because it makes my partner uncomfortable, but yet when I brought up that point he said that was different.

He never went and cancelled going out with him, but only because he knew I was very upset, not that he found this mans moral were completely wrong especially for a married man, but because he didn't want to deal with me with the situation. He turned it around and made me feel as if I was being unreasonable and never apoligized to me at all, just made it clear to the guy that it was obvious I was the reason he didn't go with him to the bar.

My partner even wanted my brother one night to be totally rude and jump into this girl that he was talking to online because although my brother is single this girl was married and even flirting w/ my brother was totally wrong, again he said that was different and made it sound to my brother after I brought up that point that I was a jealous freak and he can't say anything or he gets into trouble, but why is it OK for his friend that he met when we hired him into the home to do as he is doing, but I was wrong for the way I felt and found ways to make me look like a fool because I didn't want to be disrespected? Did I have a good reason to be upset as I was?
I wouldn't want that guy around either. I think who you spend your time with says a lot about you as a person and what you value. Certainly anybody you can't trust with the female members of your family is bad news. I'd be uncomfortable knowing my husband wanted to be around someone like that.

And your partner is being a hypocrite, isn't he? To me, this issue seems centered around respecting women. Your partner seems comfortable condemning other women and hearing his friend talk about women disrespectfully, but not the other way around.

It's "normal" (or at least, that's the message the media sends) to look at women as sexy, to flirt with them and talk about them sexually. If a man can't stop thinking of sex, that makes him manly. But we don't have the same ideas about women, who we expect to be monogamous and want love more than sex. Could this be what is "different" for your partner?
My simple answer: Yes, I think you were right for being upset with them all.

My long answer:

I am sorry for you. Two thoughts crossed my mind while I was reading your post. First, you are basically living in a masculine world, if you see what I mean: your son (ok, a son is a son is a son), but then your partner and this worker. You could be the only woman among these males, and perhaps this makes you a little uncomfortable, too. A fish out of water?

Second, your partner's behaviour reminds me of the swan song. "Swan song" - the idiom referring to ... any final work or accomplishment, carrying the connotation that this is the last performance of a lifetime, and the performer is expending everything in one magnificent final effort." Put in other terms: I don't know how old your partner is, but he must be aware that he will soon be declining sexually speaking, so he needs the company of this younger man as if this would give him some more time. Far from justifying him, though, I am trying to understand what he is doing. But maybe he has always been like that...

Third thought: you certainly come across as the self-righteous woman. This is unfair. And I agree with Lysander: he is being a hipocrite, but then again he is being like most men (save for the gay and the self-confident, but for different reasons) and acting in accordance with the sex codes in force: deniers of a woman's sexuality.

How badly does your son need this worker? And what would the implications be of putting an end to your relationship with your partner? For, as far as I can see, this situation may get worse all the time.
I'd be upset if i were in your shoes. It does sound like double standards when your husband gets upset with what your friend said about a guy being 'hot', yet your husband does/says as he pleases and gets upset when you draw the line in the sand. In my opinion it sounds like he's doing a lot more to get you upset than the other way around.

It's never good to make employees a part of the family. It's all good and well to be friendly with them to a point at work, as it creates a good working environment, but when they make inroads into your family and start crossing the line then that's not on. I suppose even if you wished to terminate this guys employment you wouldn't be able to without your husbands consent?

I think you will have a difficult time convincing your husband of all this though. Turning a blind eye to it all isn't good, but making your husband see what is going on might make him feel you are being pushy and he could turn around and say he's had enough and walk out. You know him better than me and how he'll react, but i think you are truly caught between a rock and a hard place, as they say. Unless other members of your family see this employee for what he is and a family meeting is organised, maybe that might make your husband see that everyone see's the employee in bad light and your husband is the only one who sees him in a good light.
My partner expressed to me that just because one person is a certain way doesn't mean that he is like that. That what our staff member does is his personal business and he feels that I don't trust him(my partner) for what someone else is like, but he still stands by our staff/friend that he is just a big talker and wouldn't do anything behind his wife's back. We never knew this man before he started working for us, the agency we contract with sent him to us, like I said he is a nice guy, he is great with my disabled son, but I don't like someone that makes their wife look like a fool behind their back about other women.

Our staff member is 29 and my partner is heading to 51yrs of age. Of course my partner threw everything out of whack and was saying I get pissed when his friends call, which I don't care if his friends call, but they always put him in a depressed mood about him not living in the same town as them anymore and takes it out on me w/ a attitude or a mope around the house thing and so he feels that now he can't go out w/ his new friend as well.....Heck I have even suggested that he go with a friend of his to his cabin w/ his buddy for a weekend and that don't bother me at all, I just don't feel comfortable w/ the way our staff member is about being in bars and spending a big percentage there, he is a bouncer at this place, but the only reason he has that job there as well is because he was spending so much time in there and was friends with the owner...I don't understand why this man always pushes for married or men that are involved w/ someone to go to the bars with him all the time. Its not just a weekend thing it is during the week as well.

Its hard enough to get staff for my son and the hours this man works for us is a complicated shift and no one wants it and now I feel that I could jeopardize me having staff for those hours if I just don't sit back and say nothing when this man wants my partner to go out with him and actually push for him to go out now....We have a new staff that started a couple weeks ago for another shift and i reminded my partner that we do not get all close with this one it causes problems, that no matter where we live that staff always get too comfortable if your to buddy buddy with them, of course instead of believing me he checked w/ his sister in law to see if that exist in his hometown because she has help taking care of her ill mother and she says she goes through the same thing, so that helped for me to prove my point...As I said I trust my partner I just don't feel comfortable with my partner hanging out w/ someone like this, but I would never tell him no, I expressed how I felt and let him make his own decision, but of course I was the prude in the end for all of it......
you're not wrong at all, and from your other posts, I'd say you need to get rid of the partner, he doesn't respect you and he doesn't treat you right and he doesn't treat your son right......you can live without him.....
You need to stop referring to him as your "partner" because his behavior has not shown that he has earned that title. If he was really your partner, he would be way more helpful and respectful and he would actually care how his stupid actions affect your feelings. The fact that he repeatedly (and you KNOW darn well this is a pattern with him!) disregards your feelings in any given situation should be your clue that he just doesn't care enough about you or your kids or anything to do with the relationship. All he cares about is himself and his own gratification. He is a selfish guy who doesn't deserve you at all. When are you going to wake up and realize this?

Why are you hanging on to him so desperately? What's so great about a guy who never considers your feelings in any situation? What's so great about a guy who totally alienates one of your kids to the point where your kid can't even leave his room anymore? Give me a break, this guy is not worth it and you need to wake up and figure this out before it's too late.

What are you hanging on to? What's so special about him? And why do you keep referring to him as your partner when he is NOT acting like a partner?? Stop calling him that because it seriously undermines the folks who have true partners who actually do have a normal relationship in which both people actually care about and love and respect each other. What you have is not a partnership, it's just a farce wrapped in a three ring circus.
[QUOTE=Kszan;4082953]You need to stop referring to him as your "partner" because his behavior has not shown that he has earned that title. If he was really your partner, he would be way more helpful and respectful and he would actually care how his stupid actions affect your feelings. The fact that he repeatedly (and you KNOW darn well this is a pattern with him!) disregards your feelings in any given situation should be your clue that he just doesn't care enough about you or your kids or anything to do with the relationship. All he cares about is himself and his own gratification. He is a selfish guy who doesn't deserve you at all. When are you going to wake up and realize this?

Why are you hanging on to him so desperately? What's so great about a guy who never considers your feelings in any situation? What's so great about a guy who totally alienates one of your kids to the point where your kid can't even leave his room anymore? Give me a break, this guy is not worth it and you need to wake up and figure this out before it's too late.

What are you hanging on to? What's so special about him? And why do you keep referring to him as your partner when he is NOT acting like a partner?? Stop calling him that because it seriously undermines the folks who have true partners who actually do have a normal relationship in which both people actually care about and love and respect each other. What you have is not a partnership, it's just a farce wrapped in a three ring circus.[/QUOTE]


I asked a couple of other males if they thought I was in the wrong and they said the same thing "that I don't trust him"...only because someone else is or is even thinking of cheating does not give me the right to doubt him.....Maybe one poster is right, it is a mans world.....My brother said he seen noting wrong w/ my partner going out for a few beers, well I agree, but only with someone that isn't making their wife look as a fool behind her back...

As far as my partner goes, after taking the advice from a poster here awhile back , the problem w/ my partner and my one son did work out, they actually do things together and have their so called guy time. They spend time together as well as family time and my partner is more relaxed and understanding....He's more relaxed w/ that issue...but it just seems like when one issue is solved another arises...As with my partner, we just found out that one of my staff(my daughter in law) is leaving in a day w/ my son out of state, so she was the main worker and puts me in a tight spot, so w/ my partner although their are things that irritate the heck out of me, he told me not to worry that he will take care of all her shifts beings he knows due to my health that I should not take it on and it would take to long for us to get another person hired in.....But, back to the man's world...I just don't understand why is it when a women even converses w/ another man or makes compliments about a man they are bad people(so to speak), but men see nothing wrong with it when they do it or don't speak up to another man and say hey that is wrong...It just seems like when a man would bring up the point of view as I did that means they care, but if a women does it we are controlling and over jealous???i don't get it...
[QUOTE]But, back to the man's world...I just don't understand why is it when a women even converses w/ another man or makes compliments about a man they are bad people(so to speak), but men see nothing wrong with it when they do it or don't speak up to another man and say hey that is wrong...It just seems like when a man would bring up the point of view as I did that means they care, but if a women does it we are controlling and over jealous???i don't get it...[/QUOTE]

I don't know if that's a rhetorical question, but I'm a sociology major and this falls in my line of study. =P It all goes back to legitimacy, believe it or not. A long, long time ago, men realized they had no way of knowing if a child was theirs unless they could be absolutely sure their partner never had sex with anyone else. This took the form of purchasing wives, and later monogamous marriage as we know it, but even then men had to be sure that their wives couldn't sleep with other men. Some went to extremes like sewing up their vaginas or removing their clitoris (this is still practiced in some countries) but a theme across all cultures has been a strong societal discouragement of women's sexuality outside of motherhood and marriage. So even though things have changed rapidly in the modern world in the last century, we are left with a lot of leftover cultural ideas about women that act sexual outside of marriage. Because it was never important for men to be faithful, they've generally had more leeway in that area. This has not been true for every culture on earth, but it's been prominent in most of the major ones.

It's stupid, unfair, and outdated. I think everyone would be well served by taking a basic anthropology or gender course to learn where these ridiculous ideas come from. It beats thinking that it's "just the way things are." Unfortunately, men usually have less of a reason to question these outdated ideas...but things are slowly changing.
Reading your additional posts, there are likely a few things at play.

Firstly, this staff member who is married and is always dragging married guys or guys who are in relationship along to bars is most likely taking these types of males with him as it gives him credibility. Most likely his own wife doesn't like him going to these places but if he says "it's ok, i'm going with so and so (who is married or taken" she most likely gets off his back and trusts him more so than if he's going with a single guy.

Maybe this guy is all talk, maybe he needs a regular ego boost and he gets it by flirting with other women. Some ultra flirty guys are good at talk and flirting, but if a woman really wanted to go ALL the way these guys would run a mile. I had a boss like this once. The things he'd say at work and about women were amazing and talk about flirting!! But as soon as his wife would turn up he'd turn into a totally different guy and he knew his wife had him right were she wanted him. Also if a woman did make a pass at him he wouldn't have known what to do or how to take it from there. I don't think his wife trusted him totally, but if she'd asked me i could have told her she had nothing to worry about.

As for your partner, it is great that he does help with your son. Is it his son too or your child from another relationship? as that can sometimes have a bearing on things too.

It must have been difficult for him to move to a whole knew place and not know anybody. Males do need their alone time with other males away from women were they can discuss there usual stuff, which women aren't interested in, to death. It so happens that your partner appears to only have this one guy as a main friend and that's most likely due to this staff member working for you, which makes it easier to get to know him.

It sounds as to me that you are basically happy with the majority of your relationship and the real fly in the ointment is this staff member and your partner going to bars with him. Is there any way of meeting new people and getting involved with new people and forming friendships? Something the two of you could do together maybe and meet other couples and your partner could become friends with one of the husbands or partners and you with the wife/girlfriend. Meeting more new people who don't hang around at bars would be ideal. This would give him other avenues of friendship and interests.

I wouldn't necessarily get rid of your partner if most things are good between you. You need to find other ways of working around this issue of his new friend and hanging out at bars. I'm not in your shoes so i dont know how bad the situation is. Could you visualise living without him, can you make a list of pro's and con's. Staying with him, what are the pro's and con's. What are the things which make him happy, what makes you happy, are any of the happy things which you share in common. Nobody likes to not be trusted, but then again we all like to feel we can trust our partner. It's hard living with mistrust. It's also hard having someone at you all the time. He knows you don't like the staff member for what he's doing, but he's still going to go out with him. The more you are at him the more it will lead to arguements, so some form of stalemate needs to occur, otherwise it all ends up like a broken record. I'm not saying you have not right to be at him, but after the first few times that loses effect and he's not going to give a fig how much you complain. So that kind of brings you back round to square one. I do hope you reach solutions. Good luck :)
I realize my partner needs his time away w/ friends just as I do and I have even suggested a weekend away w/ his friends from back in his area..Which I don't have a problem with at all, its just my staff member due to the way he carries himself I just don't feel comfortable. I have mentioned to my partner that I felt this man only wanted other men w/ him so he can cover his own tracks for his own behavior.

As I mentioned before I would never tell my partner he couldn't do something, he is an adult and can make his own choices, but we did agree a long time ago that if we felt uncomfortable with something that we could freely express it w/ out conflict, but for some reason this brought up conflict. Like I explained it was about trust it was about morals.

I figured if my staff member asked him again I am just saying nothing, and keep my thoughts to myself,. sometimes its not worth the hassle besides he knows how I feel so I guess it is up to him on what the final outcome of his choice is.
[QUOTE=dolejaly;4083571]...I figured if my staff member asked him again I am just saying nothing, and keep my thoughts to myself,. sometimes its not worth the hassle besides he knows how I feel so I guess it is up to him on what the final outcome of his choice is.[/QUOTE]

Unless being silent hurts your soul, I think this is a very good decision.
I don't think you were in the wrong. It's funny how some men will play the trust card when they're put in that position. I see where you're coming from. I don't think it has to do with trust. I think your main problem with the matter is that a woman is being disrespected and made a fool of and your partner has absolutely no problem with it. Also, the fact that you can't compliment or say something nice about a man without being a bad person...I do know what you mean by that...but he can't speak up to another man is crap. Double standards. If he can't speak up to another man and say that what their doing is wrong then he has no right saying something about your friend making him uncomfortable talking about how hot a guy is. If you feel disrespected and uncomfortable then he should do what he can to not make you feel that way. Y'all had an aggreement and he's not holding up his end of the deal. I feel like you have a right to speak up about it. In order to make a relationship work, you need to be able to talk openly about things that are bothering you without feeling judged, stupid, or like a jealous freak. You shouldn't have to just ignore things that you aren't comfortable with.





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