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hi guys,
Ok, so i've been lurking on these boards for a while now and i'm sitting here in tears and thought it was about time i got some advice or guidance or just someone to talk to. I'm gonna warn you it may be long but i'll keep it as brief as i can.
just over 2 years ago i met a guy while i was out with friends. we hit it off immediately and within a week we where bf and gf. during this week before we got together i told him that i was moving to another country(40 min plane journey) to go to college. He was hesitant at first saying ok well maybe we should leave it but changed his mind the next day. we had 2 and a half 3 months before i was due to move. During this time our "honeymoon period" lasted all of i'd say a week before he was starting the most ridiculous arguments from nothing at all. I couldn't quite understand it. but we quickly fell in love so i put up with it. during this time he broke up with me numerous times only to sort it out again. Finally a week before i was due to leave i ended it while i was out with friends. A going away thing that i wanted my bf to be at. But he "didn't want to" during this time i vividly remember saying to 2 friends " ya know i think he's bi polar" It explains alot of his behaviour his sudden sudden mood swings. But i thought nothing of it.

I moved to england and he told me that he didn't want me there. To come back and to be with him that if i loved him i'd do it. I had applied and been accepted to college before i meet him so this wasn't an option i was willing to do. So 4 months passed by with no contact. I thought about him daily, missed him daily and craved for him to pop up on my msn. Christmas time he suddenly did. we slowly began talking and exchanged numbers again. Over the x mass period we meet up and kissed. He told me that he was glad we had this time apart so that he could realise what he wanted. that he was miserable with out me. HE begged me to get back with him even though i lived in england. I said that it wouldn't work. We'd miss each other to much. I loved him dearly and only ever wanted to be with him. New years eve he calls to my house and gives me a letter to read. A love letter of such and reached out to me. I instanly called him and said i was to be your gf again. So 4 months past - to april and during this time he loved me one week, wanted to marry me, grow old with me. the next day/week/ hour he couldnt' do it anymore. It was like a constant merry -go - round. I never ever knew when it was goig to turn again. He broke up with me again numerous times and like a fool i went back every time. I've never ever been in love with someone as i am with him. i simply can't explain it.

So in april he comes over to me for me to treat him for his birthday. took him to a gig and i remember being in a pub after and him telling me how much he loved me, wanted to marry me, every little detail that he loved about me. i thought finally its working. He went home the next day only for me to surprise him by getting the flight home after him. He was so happy. Picked me up and said that he wanted to spend the entire weekend with me and that he wanted to bring me to the airport when i was going back. I agreed. I'd spend every waking hour with this guy if i coud. On the way to the airport he pulls the car over and tells me how much he loves me and wants to make this work. i was touched and so so happy. i get home back to england and he tells me he loves me. then things started going funny. wasn't answering his phone txts. Then suddenly ends it because he said that i didn't give him enough space. Hello i live in a different country. He said that when i surporsed him by coming home he culd hardly say well i don't want to see you, but he was so so estatic to see me and insisted that we spened the weekend together. I yet again feel apart. I had lost count at this stage as to how many time he had ended it. During the period from x mass to the april a good 4 times not including the back and forthness of i can't do this. So i feel apart and failed my exams and assignments and had to to resists which i luckily passes.

The day of my last resist my best friend died. Me and my ex at this point know each other only a year. He gets in touch, offers his support but is now going out with a girl who i found out was secretly txting while we where coming to an end in april. The day after his funeral he starts stiring things again and causes a big argument. thts in july. In sept/oct he gets back in touch. He's single again. wants to met up. Wants to spend time with me. However during out time of not talking i decided to book myself flights to see family in a very distant country to get over my friends death and to get over this guy. I simply wastn't goint to be able to do it in a place where everything reminded me of him. during end of sept - mid november we are secretly seeing each other. i find outhe is also friendly with another girl. During this time we are yet again on and off. him constanly back and forth with his feelings and me hanging onto his every word and going back to him at every hurtful txt he sent. He asked me to run away with him. seriously. Just forget my trip and to run away with him. Obviously i said no. Then he changed again. Didn't want anything until i got back from my trip and then would be my bf. He wanted his cake and to eat it. To have this girl now and while i was away and then to have me when i got back. I finally had enough and told him that i was going away to get over him and that if he wanted that not to happen he knew what he had to do. TO just be with me. HE refused and then blamed it all on me. That i had now chose this and that he was now seeing the other girl.

I went away and slowly began to feel happy again. Spent 3 months feeling good. having down days but feeling good never the less. Meet a lovely guy who showed me that there are nice ones out there. So i came hojme feeling anxious but confident. He txts me 2 days after i get home asking how my trip was. I was shocked.. He knew why i went away and then wanted to know how it went. I didn't reply which took all my will power. He had a family party in the pub i work in. He was there with his gf. It was horrible. He txts me that night i dont' reply. His aunt gives me weekly reports on his love life to which i simply let brush over me. I had a different view on him and felt i was happy..

Then bang. June(2 yrs knowing each other) i get a massive e mail telling me that he finally went ot see someone and he was diagnosed with bi polar. It all made sense to me. He poured his heart out to me. Told me that he has finished with his gf. or more she had finsihed with him. that he had noever ben treated in such a way before and it disgusted him to think that how he was treated was how he treated me. He apoligised for his behaviour. How he hurt me and had he understood things better. A month and a half ago we meet up and got back on our rollarcoster. I told him that i always knew he had bi polar and was kicking myself for not saying something but it wasn't my place to. During this month and a half it has yet again been back and forth. He wanting me not wanting me. During the time i went away i applied to college again. 3 hours from where i live. As far as i was concern i wasn't going to hear from him again. He wasn't in my life or a priority in it anymore. I was to think about me now. I was accepted and have since moved here..He is due to come visit next week and for me to go hom the weekend. Its quite doable its not that far.

Last week, 5 days before i was due to move he got back in touch.We meet up. kissed and i was back to square one. He was all aout wanting to make it work and that he cud come drive to me and see me. half an hour later there where too many obstacles for this to work. I said i was to scared to become his gf. I was afraid. i don't trust him, his jusdgement and i never know on an hourly basis what way his mood or feelings for me will change. HE said that he needed to get my trust back. So we where going to be exclusive, not see other people and try get bck on track. he told his mam and friends. I told no-one. i'd been here before and knew what to expect. So fast forward to 1 hour ago.

He ended it again. not only 4 hours previous telling me how his sis said we should get married. how he cudn't wait to see me next week and be with me. how he thought that things where going really well. All it tool was for me to say i had an interview for a part time job for him to completely do a you turn. He said that he has a constant knot in his tummy.Thinking where i am, what i'm doig who i'm doing it with. he's extremly jealous of any friends i make. especially guys. He said that he didn't give a fcuk about my life down here or the friends i make. He siad that it not him doing the running and going its me.That i never settle. Yes i've up rooted 3 times. twice for my education, decisions made whilst we whre no longer in contact and then to go away to get over him. He could have stopped that but he chose not to.

So i'm a mess again. I just don't get it. He says the most hurtful things to me in txts. like. "he can't be bothered with this anymore" how can a person say that when only 4 hrs previous "things where going pretty well"
I know he gets jealous and insecrue but i tolde him its him that i have on my wall. its him i think aout every second off the day its him i wanna marry its him i want to come see me. But non of it every makes a difference. He walks all over me andbreaks my heart on a contant basis and i let him, always because i have such an intense love for him. i've walked away twice from this cos i cudn't take it anymore. He's walked away more times that i can actually remember.

I knows he's bi polar but really should i have to put up with this. I can't talk to him because what i say never registers in his head. Its like it just flows over. He's not on meds andhe's not in therapy. He feels like he can handle it himself. He can't, i know he can't. this proves he can't.

I just don't know what to do. Why am i hanging around for a guy who is so hurtful to me and makes me a complete mess..I'm sure theres lots lots more i left out. Ask any questions that you have and someone please tell me why i continue to put my heart into the hands of someone who is so unstable with it.

x





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