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Relationship Health Message Board

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Oct 1, 2009
First and foremost I want to thank you all for replying ahead of time and apologize if this seems a little bit lengthy.

I have two concerns with my relationship but first I’d like to build a little background so it is easier to understand. Me and my current girlfriend have been dating for a year and a half now, approximately, and everything is well now. We argue and make up like any other couple and have great communication between the both of us. We met mid 2007, as co-workers, but id left the company and so did she, we established communication through phone and well we ended up going out till early 2008. She’s 3 years older than me, but quite honestly age doesn’t really matter to me. Anyways she started opening up to me, as I have opened up to her and discovered startling facts about her past but before I go into that I’d like to post my first concern.

My girlfriend has a new Job now, well it’s a job she had before but now she does it part time with more hours. Nonetheless, she had a past with co-workers in the company and has many male friends; they go out to Vegas or Amusement Parks and quite frankly that does not bother me. I have always told her it was ok to have male friends and if she wants to go out with them then that’s fine as long as it doesn’t cross the line. However, there’s been this co-worker that use to like her and she shot him down because he’s much younger than her and even me. She had told me this before and I was ok with it until he started texting her things that I think are inappropriate such as “Hey baby, I really missed you today” “Your so damn fine” “will you ever have sex with me” etc. Really flirtatious text that I think aren’t “cool” and I won’t lie there might be a little jealousy involved but I still think isn’t right. Now this guy has a girlfriend within the same company and my girlfriend knows her but they don’t really talk so I don’t think she has ever told his GF what’s been going on. So my problem is I have told her my concerns and told her this guy isn’t really someone she should be close too, but she still keeps that “flirtatious” communication with this guy, she keeps reassuring me that there will never be anything between them just friendship and she loves me so I shouldn’t be worried. This I understand, however, she keeps responding to his texts so pretty much flirting back with him and that annoys me. Every time we discuss about it ends up being a big argument about this. I told her I don’t like it but she keeps doing it, am I wrong to tell her to end this “friendship” relationship with this guy? Or is it all jealousy on my part?

My second concern is a few months ago we were drinking, and for us drinking (not all the time) helps us talk about things we really don’t tell others. Anyway, one day after drinking, we were talking about her past relationships. She has an ex whom she still talks to but I won’t go much into this because that’s a whole other topic to start, anyway we were talking about an inconsistency I found out in one of her stories from the past that she had mentioned to me. I made a comment that brought this out which was “stop giving me a false image of yourself, I don’t want a pretty mask of yourself, but the real you” but it was something I was aiming towards her “ex’s” stories she tells me and I found inconsistent when she tells me a second time. Nonetheless, as I said this she hesitated, started sobbing and told me she was raped. My jaw dropped, when I heard this it completely took me by surprise. However I should’ve known this because she had hinted to me several times before about the whole “rape” topic. She usually gave me a question such as “If I were raped would you still love me” or “if you found out your girlfriend was raped what would you do?” I asked her before if she was rape but she respond “No silly! Im just asking” So I’d never took her seriously until that night she told me. I had asked her how it happened, I didn’t push it or demanded her to tell me but I told her it was ok to tell me. I hugged her and consoled her. After a few minutes of crying and catching her breathe she told me she was raped by her boss in her last job long ago (this was a real estate company, to my understanding, and its now gone) she had taken a class in college with this guy and offered her a job in his company. She took it thinking nothing of this guy because according to her he was nice and she would never think this guy would do her harm. It was about 6 months working into the company that this guy raped her, she was in a relationship with her ex then that was in the rocks. She had told this to the guy (the latter) and I think he took this as way to slowly manipulate her and he soon started being over protective of her and told her she should break up with her ex. As the story goes on, one day she went to her boss (the rapist) house to do work, he had called her to do some loans because they had some clients they needed to close on. Somehow it led to a point where this guy carried her to his bedroom and forced himself in her. This guy is 6 something husky, and she’s very light and petite, so I could believe this. She said she struggled with him, cried, and told him to stop but he never did. Nonetheless this continued for a year, this guy raped her for about a year, she did not say or do anything because of the following reasons:

1) She needed the job and the money because she was supporting her ex whom she loved and was going to some problems. Plus she needed the money financially
2) She was confused, afraid, and lost
3) She felt she could protect other girls from being raped if she was with this guy
4) and her culture

She comes from an Asian background and according to her she didn’t want to report the guy because she was afraid her family would find and she would shame them (something she could never live if that happen) In that note I’m the second person in her life to now this, the other person is her best friend whom she had told her this before so she has never told anyone else. It’s been a while now and we talk about it every now and then but it’s still a very hurtful topic for her so I never push it. I still love her and that has never changed. It angers me that she didn’t do anything and she let this happened for a whole year to her. Sometimes I find it hard to listen to the details of what happened to her. Usually when we talk about it ends abruptly with” it’s the past let’s move on to the future.” I understand that she wants to move past this but I get the feeling she’s just burying the past instead of trying to “slowly heal the wound.” She’s stronger now but my question is …What do I know? Where do I go with this? As far as helping her. Can I do anything more to help her? Should I push her to talk more about this?

Thank you All and again sorry for the length of the post!

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