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Relationship Health Message Board


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A litte background...I have been with my S/O for 5 years. We have 2 kids together (age 3 & 1). He is 29 & I'm 23. We haven't had the best relationship, and I feel we have only kept it together as long as we have because we have kids together. Honestly, I don't think I'm "in" love with him, nor was I ever. I love him, but really we've had a screwed up relationship in the past with his controlling, jealous behavior. He has been mentally abusive before, and has gotten physically abusive, but that was almost 2 yrs. ago. I'm still scared it could happen at anytime, it's just his personality. I am ALWAYS anxious around him and at time feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

Fast forward to about a month ago, and my ex-boyfriend contacted me by email. I was with him althroughout high school and he was my first love, and I was his. I have not stopped thinking about him and I just have this feeling that I still love him. He told me that he still loves me and knows I am the one, but couldn't pursue it because I was with S/O. First we started talking just to catch up, now I find myself looking forward to his messages and cannot think about anything but him. We have talked about getting back together. The other thing is, he has a fiance, but said he has always loved me and would drop everything to be with me if I left my S/O. S/O hates my ex because he feels threatened by him (with good reason).

Part of me feels like me talking to my ex (and hiding it from S/O) is wrong. I feel more wrong because my ex has a fiance and I am just feeling like a bad person even though ex and I feel like we are meant to be together. There is just so much involved now. I have 2 kids, he moved his fiance down to CA with him and he said he sorta feels trapped, kind of like I do with S/O (except he doesn't have kids). We are both too chicken to leave but can't stop thinking about each other at the same time. I know he is a much better person than S/O and is not controlling in any way. I can tell this guy anything, he was always like me best friend when we were together. I even lived with his family for ahwile when I was in high school so we were extremely close. S/O disapproves of me talking to him AT ALL.

I just don't know why I'm feeling like this towards my ex all of a sudden. It's like all my old feelings came rushing back and there's no stopping them. I don't think I have the courage to tell my S/O my true feelings, and I'm also a bit worried he may hurt me if I left. I have tried to leave before and he was not so nice about it. He also made me feel extremely guilty for "breaking up the family" and called me selfish. That right there broke my heart when I thought about my kids not being in a stable home with both parents so I gave in and stayed.

Thanks if you got this far...any advice or input is appreciated, even if it may not be what I want to hear...I can use some! I feel like I either need to get over my ex and stop talking to him or just be with him. I just don't know :(





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