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No no no no no, this girl has real issues. And as I can see, it seems you have an issue as well. You seem to be attracted to dysfunctional, controlling women, a woman with serious issues who tries to make her problems your problems. And instead of saying "whoa, I didn't know she was that messed up, I don't want any part of that" you choose to buy into her garbage and start to accept her problems as your problems. Especially when it comes to an eating disorder. Most eating disorders have control as a large part of it. The person who suffers from it uses food as a way to maintain strict and harsh control over something, because they feel so out of control of everything else. She seems to want to have ultimate control over her body and the body she sees in the mirror, and that seems to include the people close to her. I think you're just starting to see the very tip of the manipulative, controlling ice berg here.

The main thing I'm concerned with here is that you actually caved and gained five pounds and began eating in what I'm assuming is an unhealthy manner and becoming something you really don't want to be just to satisfy her dysfunctional whim. Why do you think you were so willing to do that for her, why do you think you seem to always be willing to do this kind of thing for any woman? Do you think you actually seek out women who are dysfunctional in some way, maybe because you think really strong, smart women who really have it together are out of your league? Do you think that's a possibility? Or could there be another reason? I think that's something you need to look long and hard at and deal with.

If you don't want to gain weight, then don't. I could see it if you were all skin and bones and so skinny that you were unhealthy, or even unhealthy looking, but if that's not the case, then she needs to own and start dealing with her own problems. You don't have to be mean about it, you can be very caring and loving and still explain to her that you are healthy and fit and enjoy being that way and while you care about her and want her to be happy, you can't and won't overeat and gain body fat just to enable her eating disorder and body image issues that she should be receiving professional help for in the first place. Eating disorders are not to be messed with. They can spiral out of control to a dangerous level without much warning, and her health could seriously suffer depending on how developed her disorder is. I think it would be a bad idea to start trying to be her counselor. You are a lay person (unless you also happen to be a trained mental health professional) and are simply not equipped to help her by yourself. I would not recommend that you try. If she wants to walk, then you may have to accept the fact that that's best, and let her know that although you care about her and wish her well, if she wants you to become fat, to become someone you're not, then perhaps you're not the one for her. She sounds like a real piece of work. Think long and hard before getting in any deeper with this one.

And I can't even get a guy to take me out to dinner more than once. Man, what the hell???
[QUOTE=Tubular;4110360]I don't know why I seem to fall for jealous, controlling, etc, women. What usually happens is I become very attracted to her, and then we go out on a few dates, everything is great...I start falling for her, and then she shows her true colors a month or so in. By that time I'm hooked and I think "we can work it out." But it never does work out, and then I am left resentful that I cannot pursue my hobbies and have a loving relationship at the same time.

Every girl I've seriously dated has had a problem with my hobbies. Every girl I've had a serious relationship with has thought I'm a ladies man and has worried about me going out with my friends for fear of other women talking to me.

I just want someone who trusts me fully, and loves me fully, without putting stipulations on everything.[/QUOTE]

I agree with Red, how about dating a woman who shares your hobbies?

Perhaps there could be a few things at work here. Perhaps for some reason you tend to attract or be attracted to women who are controlling and insecure, but perhaps there is also something about the way you conduct yourself in relationships that might make some women feel you are a "player" of sorts. NOw bear with me, I'm just speculating at this point since I know very little about your particular situation, just trying to see it from all sides. But if MANY women you date end up feeling put on the back burner, the common denominator is you, and I think that should be taken into consideration. Now, I don't think you were wrong in breaking up with this last woman. I'm sorry it came to that, but this woman had serious issues that I really hope she gets help for.

From what you say, you sound like you're pretty fit and rather good looking. Unfortunately in this day and age, commitment, fidelity and loyalty are just not in a lot of men's vocabularies anymore. Perhaps these women are shell shocked, have been cheated on multiple times and are burned and gun shy, and therefore insecure and untrusting of men in general, and specifically in a man who is really good looking with a lot going on who could have any woman he wants. It really is a shame, the state of love and relationships in our society these days, but perhaps you just need to make more of an effort to make a woman feel special and loved, well, when you get to the point of talking about love.

It's going to be tricky for a while for you I think, trying to find that fine line to walk between being a good, attentive, loyal, trustworthy boyfriend, and not crossing over into being manipulated, controlled, etc etc etc. It's really a line all of us have to learn to walk in some for or other. It's hard.

But I think maybe you can start with asking yourself a few simple questions...

Am I ready to be in a real, commited relationship?
Do I want to make a relationship a priority?
Do I always, or mostly, put my buddies, my hobbies, above my lady and her wants and needs?
Am I truly comfortable and secure in who, what and where I am in life?
Do I really want love? Not just companionship or sex for a while, but LOVE? And what am I willing and not willing to sacrifice to get and keep it?

Of course in a serious relationship you have to be prepared to put that other person first sometimes. And you can't live your life like you do when you're single. Sometimes the boys have to take a back seat to your lady. And you really just can't devote AS much time to hobbies when you're in a relationship as you can when you're single. You shouldn't be expected to give up the things you love, but it's about striking a balance. You have to be available to spend quality time with a significant other. How much time do you usually spend on your hobbies? All weekend long every weekend? A few nights a week? A few hours a weekend? Every night from quitting time to bed time? You may need to re-evaluate that, I don't know. The trick is to be vunerable and let someone in, make room for someone in your life, and find that someone who won't abuse or take advantage of that. It's hard I know!! It can really suck!! But it's a process. I wish you luck on your journey in life and finding love.
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;4110709]I agree with Red, how about dating a woman who shares your hobbies?





It's going to be tricky for a while for you I think, trying to find that fine line to walk between being a good, attentive, loyal, trustworthy boyfriend, and not crossing over into being manipulated, controlled, etc etc etc. It's really a line all of us have to learn to walk in some for or other. It's hard.

But I think maybe you can start with asking yourself a few simple questions...

Am I ready to be in a real, commited relationship?
Do I want to make a relationship a priority?
Do I always, or mostly, put my buddies, my hobbies, above my lady and her wants and needs?
Am I truly comfortable and secure in who, what and where I am in life?
Do I really want love? Not just companionship or sex for a while, but LOVE? And what am I willing and not willing to sacrifice to get and keep it?

Of course in a serious relationship you have to be prepared to put that other person first sometimes. And you can't live your life like you do when you're single. Sometimes the boys have to take a back seat to your lady. And you really just can't devote AS much time to hobbies when you're in a relationship as you can when you're single. You shouldn't be expected to give up the things you love, but it's about striking a balance. You have to be available to spend quality time with a significant other. How much time do you usually spend on your hobbies? All weekend long every weekend? A few nights a week? A few hours a weekend? Every night from quitting time to bed time? You may need to re-evaluate that, I don't know. The trick is to be vunerable and let someone in, make room for someone in your life, and find that someone who won't abuse or take advantage of that. It's hard I know!! It can really suck!! But it's a process. I wish you luck on your journey in life and finding love.[/QUOTE]

My hobbies take up a few hours in the evening after work, maybe 3 nights a week, and then I might spend a little time on the weekend doing something. I make time for my gf and we do a lot of stuff together. My ex and I went everywhere together. Traveled everywhere, hung out 24/7 on the weekends. She had no hobbies, and ditched all her friends when we started dating, so it was up to me to be her only friend and more. I think friendship is important in a relationship, but when the other person has no hobbies or interests, and no other friends to hang out with.

The new girl has friends invite her to do stuff pretty regularly. I had pretty much quit my hobbies all together while dating her b/c she asked for so much of my time and gets upset if I go to the gym (bc in her words, there are cute little gym girls there and she doesn't like me being around them, and she doesn't want me to lose weight. Funny thing is lifting weights won't make me lose weight...i explained it to her, but for whatever reason she equates any type of exercise as an attempt to lose, not gain).

I would get off work, go home change clothes and go straight to her apartment where I would hang out with her the rest of the evening and spend the night. Next morning I would get up, go home, shower, put on work clothes and go to work. I was hardly spending any time at all to myself. No time at my apartment. I had clothes piling up that I needed to fold. Wasn't able to pick up or clean my apartment b/c I was never there. All this and she still found reasons to get upset.

Far as my buddies go, I hardly ever see them or hang out with them. They come visit me maybe 3 times a year, and I go to visit them about the same. I don't go out with them every week...or every other week...or really even every month. In fact, I hardly ever go out with them and do ANYTHING.

The times I have tried to go visit my friends, my ex threw a fit and said she didn't want me being in the atmosphere they live in (one lives in new orleans). She also said "no bars."

The new girl says "no bars" also. She says, "I trust you, I just don't trust all those other women." That is exactly the same thing my ex said!

Now, I don't care to go out to bars that often. But every once in a while, it's nice to go out with my buds to the pub and get some drinks.

No woman I've dated has ever had a reason to be jealous or untrusting, yet they all have been steadfast on not letting me far out of their site.

I don't get jealous or act untrusting towards them and the funny thing is the last 2 women I've dated got upset bc I didn't get jealous! They said they wanted me to get jealous. The most recent woman told me that she thought I didn't like her b/c when she got txt msgs from other guys I didn't freak out and start questioning her.

I am not sure where I go from here. The girl I have been posting about called me yesterday and begged me to give her a second chance. She was crying, and begging, and saying she had fallen madly in love with me, and that she was so sorry for the way she acted, etc etc etc. I told her the only way it would ever come close to working was if she saw a counselor/doctor/whatever. She agreed that she would.

I just am afraid that she would agree to anything to get me to accept her back...

I hate this sh*t. I may just have to be single for the rest of my life. :(





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