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Hi all, need some advice, this one is tricky for me...

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We are moving in together in a month and things are great. We spend a healthy amount of time together, laugh often, share the same zest for life and enjoy many of the same activities which we can enjoy together (films, video games, travel, food, reading etc.). This is by far the most stable and happy relationship I've been in, its all gone so smoothly.

We have only ever argue about one thing. If we have a fight, which is rare but always looming over us, it's because of this. His friend, we will call R. My bf likes R, and I thoroughly dislike him. This becomes more complicated because R is not just my bf's friend (which I'd just have to get used to), and has been since before we were a couple, but [i]I[/i] have also had my own history with R. Which eventually as you may guess, turned sour about 2 years ago, and we no longer see eye to eye on anything.

R is a womanizer, cheater, has engaged in sex with prostitutes some in third world countries, some underage, he has dabbled in lots of drugs, he has a huge ego and he is extremely selfish. He is self-obsessed and can be malicious and back-stabbing. He has a girl who has followed him about for 5 years that he leads on and occasionally chooses to call his 'gf' although he cheats on her and lies to her constantly, and I despise seeing/hearing about it and wish she'd get some self-respect (but thats another story). If pressed, I'd say his good qualities are his charisma, he is very humorous and socially entertaining, he is open-minded, and quick witted, he can be emotional too. I strive to think of these reasons, for these must be the reasons my bf still gets along with him. I am trying to understand.

But I have trouble. How can my bf be friends with someone so low, so scummy? Yes, I used to be close friends with R too, but eventually could not stand his ways (which got worse) and chose not to have him in my life. I should mention at one point years ago we did sleep together a few times but never more than that and I feel ill to think of it now.

Now he is forced to be in my life, all because of my bf. it has caused a lot of arguments for us. I don't even see the value of R as a friend to my bf and even asked for my bf to get rid of him altogether. That's probably selfish - they have been friends longer than we've been together. But this is not just "my bf's friend" - I have my own history with R and for that sake I feel entitled to dislike him and reject him from my social circle.

However with us moving in together it's become harder and harder to coordinate. So many social events, R is there. He calls my bf often, and when they talk on the phone I feel like snatching the phone away and throwing it down the toilet. When they catch up I feel pissed off. Sometimes R even turns up at my bf's house to say hi and I have to leave, I can't stand him. Is it wrong of me to want to have this idiot out of my life, or do I really have to deal with him for my bf's sake? They aren't nearly as close as they once were, but I doubt my bf would ever actually take steps to reject R from his life and I'm not sure if that's even the answer, as easy as that would make life for me.

Please give me any advice. Its at the point we can't bring up his name together without arguing about him, so we try to avoid the dreaded topic and we are so open about everything else, I really feel like this distances us sometimes.





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