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Depressed boyfriend
Nov 11, 2009

So hereís my situation

I started dating this guy in mid February. He is my best friendís brother and I knew him for about a year and a half before I started dating him. During that year and a half, I really didnít like him because he was rude to me and sometimes mean. And annoying. I asked my best friend why her brother was such a douche and she told me it was because he was comfortable with me. See, this guy is one of the shyest people youíll ever meet. For some reason, he felt comfortable with me right off the bat. I kind of didnít even notice he existed until I started working with him at a restaurant in late October though. In the span of about a month and a half.. I started to like him. I saw a different side of him. I was a hostess and he was a server. He was so helpful to me and he was so sweet. I guess I saw him in a new light.. and I started to think that he was hot (NEVER thought he was before)! We started hanging out a bit more.. and we were flirting like crazy and really getting along.

So fast forward to January... we went to a club with some friends and both of us got drunk. I was more drunk than he was. I REALLY liked him at this point. We were dancing together and basically he told me that he liked me and I told him I liked him. We made out that night. A month went by... he didnít ask me out at all. I even had a talk with him about that night and we still didnít get anywhere. SO I took matters into my own hands and asked him out. We started dating in February! Things were really great... but we started getting into arguments because heíd never call me. Arguments meaning... serious talks. Heíd never text me. He didnít really ask me to hang out with him. He didnít show me signs that he was happy with me. He never even initiated hugs or kisses. I asked him if he didnít like me anymore and to be straight with me... he said that he did. I still kept getting mad at him because these things werent changing. It would be me expressing my distress over whatever I was mad at and him explaining why... and me understanding.

The arguments continued... until one night we almost broke up. I was so fed up with how I was being treated that I was just wanting to talk to him and find out what exactly was going on. I knew he liked me because I felt it... but he wasnít showing me. He told me that the reason he doesnít call or text or sound excited about anything or kiss me is because heís depressed. He was made fun of all through his childhood and had a lot of bad stuff happen to him throughout his life. He goes through life feeling ugly and like heís a horrible person. So I did some research on depression. Symptoms, behaviour etc... it really all made sense why he was acting the way he was acting. SO we worked through it... I was still getting mad at him for some things though because even though I know he has depression and no confidence, I still felt hurt that he wouldnít show me that he liked me. He did try... sometimes. When I am with him, I am at my happiest. He makes me so happy I canít even breathe sometimes. But when Iím not with him... he doesnít text or call or anything really. Itís like I donít have a boyfriend. He can get me SO happy that Iím jumping off the walls... but he can also get me so down that I just want to cry and cry.
It also felt like after we started dating... we kind of stopped flirting and having fun like we used to.

So we have been trying to work through our problems. He told me that itís not fair to me... being with a guy with depression. He thinks that Iíd be happy with any other guy... and I told him that I donít want any other guy. I want him. He has such a good heart... and he is SUCH a good person. He loves his family so much. He loves animals. He cares about me. He has never tried to sleep with me. He respects me.

However, he told me that he doesnít know if heíll ever fall in love... he said that it doesnít make sense to him how someone can fall in love with someone else. He doesnít think he ever will. He doesnít understand it. I asked him once if he thought weíd break up and he said yes... without any hesitation. Now, we are only 21. I know itís unlikely that we will end up together but it still hurt hearing that. It made me think... whatís the point?

He went overseas for school for 4 months... weíve been apart for maybe 2 months now. He has called me 3 or 4 times... he messaged me on facebook a few times... but I feel like Iím really missing him. He says he misses me. We almost broke up the night he left. I told him that this was all too hard... this is so much to deal with for my first boyfriend. I wanted him to have the freedom to do what he wants when heís gone. I gave him EVERY opportunity to get out of the relationship... But he told me he wanted to see how things are when he gets back. He didnít want to break up with me. He thinks that things will change for him after this trip. I thought maybe they would because travelling often gives people more confidence... he seems to not be depressed from what Iíve seen and heard... and he looks like heís more confident. I just donít know though.

Another thing is... I trust him. Not a lot of people can trust their significant other to go away for 4 months to another continent... but I trust him COMPLETELY.

My question to you... what should I do? Should I stay with this guy? I feel like heís really worth it. But sometimes I feel like heís not making a big enough effort. I donít want to fall in love with him and have him not fall in love with me. Is it possible for someone whoís depressed to fall in love? Does it make sense that depression stops one from loving another? Should I have moved on from him before he left? I care about him SO much and I want to help him through his depression so badly. I donít know if I love him... Iím not even sure what love really is. I just know that I want him to get better and I want him to just be happy. Maybe we dont belong together and I'm just too blind to see it?Iím just so confused and Iíd really like some advice.


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