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Sorry, I didn't read your whole post, I stopped when you said "we are going to be in an open relationship and I'm not happy about it". I see big red warning flags here, and I speak from experience!

Quick story - a couple years ago I moved to a new city alone, trying to get sober and healthy and get back in school. Well, I met a guy I was smitten with, and I really hadn't made any other friends so I was very dependent on him. He told me at the beginning that he didn't "believe in exclusive relationships" and I just decided to go ahead and not worry about it. So, we acted like a couple and spent tons of time together like a couple, but we technically weren't. So I was constantly worried that he was going to have sex with other people because really, he was "allowed" if he wanted to. If he ever had to go out of town I would be anxious and unable to sleep the whole time. I eventually ended up hooking up with someone else first, and he was really upset and crying about it (even though the open r. was his idea!) We just kept going like we were until I moved away, but we just began fighting all the time and we were both really unhappy. I resented him for not giving me exclusivity, even though now I realize that I should have ran when he first told me! He did tell me the truth from the beginning, after all, I just ignored it or thought he'd change his mind. He didn't.

To make a long story short, unless two people are both in an open relationship because they truly want to be, and they feel that is what most satisfies their needs, and they are very very secure with themselves, I think only disaster can loom. One person often just agrees to do it because they don't want to lose that person, or they figure that the other person won't actually hook up with someone else if you're together awhile, but it doesn't happen. Unless you're really comfortable with it, you're going to swing around emotionally from feeling Anxious/nervous, sad or insecure, and angry, at yourself, and at her. You might purposely hook up with someone else you're not interested in, just to get her back or to boost your ego. These are all things I dealt with. I was constantly on edge. I really think in your case, it would be better to make a clean break than to do this, or be prepared to be miserable, unless you can have a total heart and mind switch and become something you're not.
"I think one thing that you are forgetting is that sex, for women, is often tied into their emotions. Men are a lot more capable of having sex with a woman without caring about her than a woman is of having sex with a man without having feelings for him."

Just keep in mind that this girl really, truly loves me. She couldn't even bring herself to break up with me - we were just going through some troubles. People don't say to each other "I see you as the person I am going to marry and have kids with" just to be polite. She says those things to me, and it's because she really means them.

...

"To make a long story short, unless two people are both in an open relationship because they truly want to be, and they feel that is what most satisfies their needs, and they are very very secure with themselves, I think only disaster can loom. One person often just agrees to do it because they don't want to lose that person, or they figure that the other person won't actually hook up with someone else if you're together awhile, but it doesn't happen. Unless you're really comfortable with it, you're going to swing around emotionally from feeling Anxious/nervous, sad or insecure, and angry, at yourself, and at her. You might purposely hook up with someone else you're not interested in, just to get her back or to boost your ego. These are all things I dealt with. I was constantly on edge. I really think in your case, it would be better to make a clean break than to do this, or be prepared to be miserable, unless you can have a total heart and mind switch and become something you're not.

The difference for me is that I am fully expecting her to hook up with other guys. She is drop-dead gorgeous and so sweet. There is no single guy that wouldn't want to hook up with her given the chance. So, I am going to have the assumption that she will sleep with other men.

Honestly, my girlfriend is 21, gorgeous, and I AM THE ONLY PERSON SHE HAS EVER SLEPT WITH. Heck, I am the only person she has ever gotten passed second base with. Does it not strike you as highly atypical for a gorgeous girl in this day and age to sleep with only 1 person in her whole life?

Part of the reason my girlfriend and I have such a unique situation is that we started dating when she was 15 years old, and in essence we have really been together ever since. We are 21 now. I think most of this is just her natural curiosity to see what else is out there. Or at the very least see what a sexual experience with a person other than me would be like. But at the same time, she doesn't want to lose me. When my initial reaction to her thoughts was to say disassociate myself from her, she could not take that.

As I said earlier, I have had sex with 3 girls, while she has only had sex with me. Perhaps that is part of the problem.

So starting in January, when we begin our open relationship, my mindset is simply going to be that while I still have a beautiful girl waiting for me back at home, who I can come home with and sleep with whenever I wanted to, and who I will still talk to on the phone and tell her I love her most nights, I am also going to be 400 miles away with her, I will accept the fact that for this period in time she will most likely get pounded by some other guy and I am going to make up for it by pounding some Montreal girl (Montreal is where I go to college, New York is my home). The fact that we have agreed this would be a temporary situation and that we will eventually be exclusive again will help me to manage the jealously factor.

If and when (hopefully just simply "When") she is ready to be exclusive again, bygones will be bygones, and things will go back to the way they were.

You say it's better to just "Make a clean break, and be prepared" to be miserable." I honestly don't see the logic if this. If it ultimately doesn't work out between me and this girl, I will be devastated. Being with her in the end would make my life complete. Why is it better to GUARANTEE myself misery when I can still give myself a fighting chance of being with her in the end?

...

"To have that sort of relationship, you'd both have to be ok with it and want that sort of thing. You can't have one person hanging back and hoping it changes."

Obviously I can live with it for a while, otherwise I wouldn't have proposed the idea. It doesn't hurt that she has specifically said she plans on becoming exclusive with me again in the not-too-distant future. The fact is, we BOTH view this as a temporary solution. Nothing is guaranteed, of course, but the fact that we both feel this way means a lot and makes the whole situation a lot easier to deal with.
[QUOTE=Kszan;4140970]You just said you're not happy about this idea. That's how I know it won't work. If something doesn't feel right to you then you shouldn't do it.

Ok look, do whatever you want. But don't be surprised if things turn out the way I said they would. Your biggest problem is that you're going into it with concern already. What if she meets someone better? What if you do? What then? I can understand her wanting to have other experiences with other guys at her age, that's what people are supposed toi do in their 20s. But you shouldn't place the expectation of getting back together on this. Break it off and live your lives. If you both come to the conclusion mutually that you want to be together again then try it. But be prepared that one of you may have found someone else that is more suited.

At your age is when people do the most changing and evolving. That's the time when people discover who they are and what they want out of life. You're both going to be changing during this time. And you're not giving each other enough time to really experience life. Don't do this half-assed. Do this for real and give each other time ans space to grow and evolve. And if you are both still interested in being together then try it. But it's going to mean giving each other more time than just 5 or 6 months. Look, if you're meant to be together then you will find a way back to each other. If not then you'll figure it out.[/QUOTE]

I wasn't happy about the idea of being "just" friends with her the first time around, but it "worked" in the sense that after longing to be together with her for 2 years, I eventually won her over and we got back together for what has now been another 2 years.

Just because I don't view this as my IDEAL scenario does not mean it can't "work".

The fact is, right now there is no scenario I would feel "happy about" other than just not wanting be be with anyone sexually other than me right away. I'm trying to find the best solution given that my ideal scenario is not in play right now. My plan is to get back to the 'ideal scenario'.

Yes, people change at our age, but there's also nothing wrong with knowing that you are truly in love with someone and that they are the right person for you. I not only feel this way about her, but she feels this way about me. So now, just because she says she wants to experiment her sexuality, means we should just give up THIS type of a relationship?

21 may be very young, but we are both old enough to feel that we want to marry each other some day. And I am not just going to throw that away because she wants to try sex with more than 1 guy in her life.

Perhaps we met TOO EARLY in life in some ways. If you're going to start dating the person you're going to marry when you're 15 years old, you can't expect there to not be many ups and downs. But at the same time, if we feel in our hearts we're right for each other, I'm not going to just throw that away.

And despite everything you say, the fact is that I believe we'll have a better chance of ending up together with this arrangement as opposed to breaking off relations entirely. I don't believe in destiny, and all that "If we're TRULY meant to be together we'll be together in the end anyway... blah blah blah" stuff. I want to maximize my chances of being with her in the end, and I believe this is the way to go.





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