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I was a member of these boards years ago and everyone here helped me through some bad times. Dont remember any of my old contact info, so i have a new screen name. All of you were such a big help then, i didnt know where else to turn now.

I dont even know where to begin.

My girlfriend and i have been dating for about three months but in that time got very close. i absolutely adore her and am really falling for her. i take the word love very seriously, and wouldnt go that far...yet. However, a month before we got together she broke up with her ex of three years and moved out of their apartment of 2 years. Since then they have maintained a text message relationship which mostly consisted of him texting her to get her back and her telling him no, and her checking on him to see if he is okay, etc... she was honest about this the whole time we've been together. I think it's important to note that the ex is a waste of space, former drug user, that was kind of like a child to her (her words)... which was the reason they broke up. Since there break up he lost his job, which wasn't a great job to begin with, she was the only good thing in his life and has now gotten back into drugs, etc... I am his polar opposite; im very stable, have good family, friends, career, etc... He is a "bad boy" and i'm a lawyer.

The other night she handed me her phone to fix something and i accidentally saw a text from her to him that read "i love you too byeeeee."

i was heartbroken and she saw me see it. We talked and she was very forthright. She told me she has no interest in ever dating him again, she wants to be with me, but she still cares for him and worries about him. She apologized for the i love you text and said it was kind of a second nature thing and didnt mean she was still in love with him. She agreed that he probably doesnt diferentiate between the old i love yous and the new ones and agreed not to tell other dudes she loves them why we are together. I didnt get mad, i didnt yell, but in my subtle way a made my point and let her know i was disappointed.

Now this whole episode brought everything to the surface for her and she knows she needs to cut him off for us to work. She is having trouble cutting him off.

Please keep in mind that i am terrified that i could lose her... she is amazing and i am head over heels. I have known her for much longer than we have been dating and have always liked her. Things with us have been great up to this point. Her friends tell me she has never been happier and i am doing all the things i did wrong in previous relationships, right in this one. We have an amazing connection and she feels it too.. (i think)

So, we finally had a long talk about this yesterday. In that talk, she made it clear that she wants to be with me, but cutting this ex off is difficult for her. I told her to relax, i'm not going anywhere, i told her exactly how i felt about her and that i was willing to be patient. I told her i was willing to swallow my pride and wait. I was willing to take baby steps, take a break, whatever... whatever she needed. Now i wasnt completely soft, in that i told her if she goes to see him, we are done, if any part of her wants to date him again, we are done, if she lies to me about anything, we are done... etc. but as long as she is open and is going down the path to us being in bliss again, i was willing to be patient.

Basically i told her how i felt and where i stood. I acted like i was strong and calm (... havent eaten in two days). She said that the things i said almost made her cry. She said the things i said were the nicest most romantic things she ever heard and she said she still wants to be with me. However, she needs time. She feels like she should have spent more than a month single before her and i started dating. but she doesnt want to break up because we are already in pretty deep with one another. I agreed. I think if a relationship breaks up once, it's doomed.

I have no reason to think that she has lied to me, because she has at times been honest to her own detriment.

I just dont know what to do. Did i handle this right? am i a fool? What do i do next? do i give her a time limit to cut this kid off? do i ultimatum? i'm freaking out here (although she has no idea). I am willing to bend because she means a whole lot to me, but i refuse to be made a fool of. I know i was fine before i met her and i will be fine after, but these last three months were amazing... til now.

thanks so much.
you're not going to like what i'm going to have to say, but you shouldn't have to take baby steps or take a break to get respect in a relationship.
she doesn't respect you, and cares about her ex more than she cares about you.
her inappropriate text-a-thon with him is proof that she doesn't care about losing you. why would you gamble something precious?
if i were you i wouldn't spend time with her again.
when she calls, tell her you were a good bf & you didn't deserve to be treated that way & move on to a girl who will appreciate an accomplished professional and not need to sneak around with drug addicts.
i guarantee once you cut her loose she'll be sneaking to text you at all hours, but i wouldn't answer her.
if you take this girl back under any circumstances, it's just a matter of time till more trouble rears it's head. she sounds like a drama queen.[/QUOTE]

Well that wasn't easy to read. I think that you raise some very good questions and believe me, the exact points you raised are things i have considered ad nauseam.

The reason i havent let those doubts take over, or felt disrespected, is that i saw her when she was with me, and i know her...etc. Now, i know i'm not exactly an objective observer, but i do my best to see through my emotions to the logic (occupational hazzard) and what i saw before this whole debacle happened was genuine. Seeing through the fear and hope, at the bare bottom of all this, i think i need to trust my instincts. They rarely let me down. I saw how happy she was with me and I think i would know if it wasnt real. When things were blissful between her and i, her fiends would even tell me unprovoked that she has never been happier.

I feel like, she basically did everything wrong in terms of properly breaking up with a person she was more or less still in love with. A person she just knows she cant be with and knows it doesnt work. She didnt cut off contact, she didnt delete pictures, she didnt take the steps to move on... All she did was start to date me, things with us began moving realllly fast, and she buried her feelings for the ex that she still hadnt dealt with... then it caught up with her.

Isn't it entirely possible that she could have real genuine feelings for me, want to be with me, but needs a little time because she failed to properly get over a person she loved and lived with only 4 months ago?? This question is actually something i have realllllly been struggling with but i think the answer is yes.

If you're wondering, i do realize how ridiculous some of my optimism sounds, but i dont want to give up just yet. I'm all about protecting myself from further hurt, but at what cost. When we had our talk about allll this, i looked her straight in the eyes and asked if i was going to lose her over this and she said no. I'm going to have a little faith in her and in my instincts... for better or worse.

Obviously your post hit a nerve and i hope i didnt come off a combative in my reply. I do sincerely appreciate the candor.

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