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Relationship Health Message Board

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Exactly. You've gotten some really great advice here, Don'tknow. I hope you will listen to it.

Most of us here have been in your shoes, and we have learned the hard way. I've pulled the "but I can't leave him, I LOVE him" nonsense. I learned the hard way that the reason why I couldn't leave him, took his crap, and thought if I just loved him well and good enough, it would make him love me back, the reason was not because I loved him so much, but because [B]I [/B]loved ME so little. I think you're making the same mistake. You have to take care of yourself first, and be healthy and whole before you can really love someone else in a productive, positive, healthy way, and if you really loved yourself, you would NOT let this jerk treat you this way.

I think you know what to do, you just don't want to do it, out of fear or desperation or something. You know this guy is WRONG when he tells you YOU'RE the one being selfish for not letting him take YOUR iphone away from you that you got for Christmas. You know he's WRONG when he tells you that you have no right to stand up for yourself in an argument. You know he's unhealthy and abusive and will not change. You KNOW all this. And you are hoping that the fairy tales we read as children are true. That once he sees your self sacrifice and once you prostrate yourself in front of him enough, the ugly beast will turn into a charming prince once and for all. Real life just ain't that way. He will continue to erode and chip away at your self esteem, he will continue to make you think you're the crazy unhealthy one until you finally really start to believe it, and you will no longer have the strength to do things that were once easy for you, you will no longer enjoy things that used to be fun, you will become scared of your own shadow, insecure, you will stop being able to trust your own judgment, and you won't even know how it happened. It happens slowly, and it sneaks up on you, IF YOU LET IT. And once you let it, it's a long road back. I went back two more times and after he had married, I still needed "closure" and contacted a mutual friend of ours, and got my teeth kicked in yet again, until I finally learned that just because these guys wanted to treat me badly, didn't mean there was anything wrong with me. They were just bad people. The mutual friend was down right sick. And I had made myself sick trying to find favor in someone who thought I deserved no respect or honor or dignity at all. But I got healthy. And now, no one will ever be able to make me sick again. When you look at this guy and realize that his bad behavior is a result of HIS sickness and not your selfishness or inadequacy, that will be a big first step on the road to healthy, self respecting maturity. I hope you take that step a hell of a lot sooner than I did.

You can't love him into being healthy, and you can't love him into being the man you need and want him to be. It's time to admit you made a mistake in choosing this man, and the only tragedy in that mistake would be to stay with him one moment longer, chalk it up to a big lesson learned, hold your head up, and pick up the pieces and move on with your life. There is someone better around the corner. It wouldn't be hard at all to be better than this unhealthy, abusive, selfish jerk. And even if there isn't anyone better than him just around the next corner, give it time, and until then, be your OWN best friend. Alone sucks, but bad company is SOOOOOOOOO much worse. Believe me.

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