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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


A month ago I met a great guy. We're both 30. We had fantastic dates -- lots of chemistry and laughs, good conversation, a lot in common. It was flirtatious and really enjoyable. We texted and spoke a bit in between dates - we'd seen each other once a week for the past four weeks. He'd send very sweet texts saying he had a great time, couldn't wait to see me again. On our third date, very naturally, things became intimate. It was incredible. We had a great chemisty but it was not just physical, we just seemed to connect very easily and quickly in a number of ways. He peppered in a few things referencing the future "you'll undertstand better when you meet my dad," "I'll take you with me next time I go," "we should do this together." He complimented me often, said I made him nervous, but in a good way, was very affectionate and just real. No games, no pretense. He wasn't feeding me lines. The fourth time we got together we had a relaxing evening and I stayed overnight. He asked if I had missed him during the week, said he'd been thinking about me. We laughed, had great conversations, the physical connection was fantastic. He talked about how comfortable he was with me, how it surprised him how easy things were, how we had no awkwardness together. He'd been in a few serious relationships but has been single for about 1.5 years. He wants the same things I do in the future -- marriage and family. And he talked about being ready for a new chapter in his life after being out of the dating game for awhile. Since it was only four dates, we didn't get into the what-are-we talk at all, which was just not needed and too early. All we touched on was to say neither of us were being intimate with another, which is a good quick talk to have for health aspects, obviously. The next morning he had to go into work early. He told me to stay at his house, to sleep in as late as I wanted, but it seemed too early for that, and I left the house when he did. We said goodbye, talked about getting together during the week, but didn't make definite plans for any day. We agreed to both check schedules and sort something out. I left his house really happy, excited that something good was starting to build with him. I felt in control and happy and was eager to see him again soon.

I texted him that evening to say I had a great time, he replied he did, as well. A few days went by. In trying to sort out our schedules, he'd mentioned he would be free on Wednesday, but I'd had plans in place. Wednesday morning my plans were cancelled, so I texted him to see if he was still free that evening. He said he had messed up his schedule and had a committment Wednesday night, not Thursday as he had originally thought. I asked if he wanted to shoot for Thursday, he said he might have something to do but would let me know later in the day Wednesday if he could. So, where does this leave me? It's Friday and I have yet to hear from him. He never contacted me Wednesday as he said he would, not yesterday at all, and not today. I am miffed. And crestfallen. He has a demanding job and other committments, but I do as well. If something came up -- other plans or having to work -- I'd at least expect a text saying he couldn't make it. He seems like a direct guy, so if something bigger happened -- he got back with an ex, wanted to pursue someone else, just decided to take himself out of dating -- he seems the type to be open and straight forward. Perhaps I'm wrong. The lack of contact is hard. It hurts. I really thought he was different and I now feel like I have been played. All the other typical excuse scenarious I run through just seem like excuses (e.g. lost phone - he has my email address and other ways of contacting me besides phone). I am just hurt. I'm especially hurt that my intuition about him was wrong. It's been said by millions of girls millions of times, but I honestly thought he was different. I believed what he said to me because he is an honorable, good person. I don't feel like any of it was a line or a come on or that he is the type to date a lot of girls at once or blow people off.

I know to stay away from the phone. Not to text or to call. It's his pursuit and it's in his court. But I am really saddened. I feel like I somehow duped myself by thinking something would happen with him, by getting too excited too early on. I've been hurt before as most of us have. Each time you open up to someone and it does not work, it just nicks away a little part of you -- your heart, your hope, all of it. What do you think -- do I stay mum and let this go?
I understand your frustration as you are clearly falling fast for this guy. A word to the wise........DO NOT SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ON THE THIRD DATE! No matter how perfect it feels and how wonderful its seems.....its just too early and you've removed a huge piece of the mystery and excitement of a new relationship much too early.

Also, play a little harder to get..........calling him back to let him know you were available on Wednesday after your plans changed and then mentioning Thursday.....implies you are over-eager! I realize all this sounds silly, but it always works. After just a month you have little new to share and if it really was a "good connection" you would not be upset or hurt .......... perhaps he is busy.....BUT SO ARE YOU AND YOU SHOULD BE! Take a step back, take a deep breathe and re-prioritize your life...........he might call this afternoon, but do not answer his call! And when you eventually do talk.....later tonight or early tomorrow morning.....tell him you are busy and may even go away skiing with friends for the day, etc. This is not playing games....BUT you are an attractive, busy and successful 30 year old woman-----you should have lots going on.............no man will ever want someone clinging to him.......let him chase you! If he doesn't then you did spook him, but it may only be temporary. My guess is he'll be back and all will fall into place..........but you still will be busy and have lots to do with your own time! Get it? Good Luck, keep us posted!
About 8 years ago I met a guy on line. We went out on about 5 dates and it was great. We connected. I don't move as fast as others so there was no sex involved but on date 5 I had him into my home for a meal. I don't cook but I knocked myself out and served up a wonderful roast, taters, all the fixings. He TOOK MY CAKE HOME COMPLETE WITH THE CAKE SAVER. Talk about a sign your man will come back...walking away with the Tuperware! Well, that was it. I waited for a call. I waited for an email. Nada. I really liked him but since I didn't have that much invested I could shrug it off. My friends teased me to death about the fact that he bailed after the first time he ate my cooking. I bought a new cake saver. And almost a month later I got an email from him saying he'd been giving it some thought and, even tho it was great, he didn't think we should see each other again. What an ego!!!

But the truth is, it did hurt. Not that he'd decided I wasn't the one. Considering the way he handled it, I dodged a bullet. The disrespect, the feeling played. It wears you down. It does take a piece of you. I don't know what's wrong with people that they do this sort of thing but I will say this: if I honestly reviewed those 5 magical dates there were signs. I was just having too much fun to see them. I think I'd be wiser now but there's no guarantee I wouldn't get bit again. It's just the chance you take.
Thanks for your posts. Wow, some of your stories of disappearing guys are nuts. I just don't get how some men can be that way.

And no, it's now Sunday and no word.

With this guy, I just thought more of him. He seemed very mature, rational and real. No pretense, no game. He also did not strike me as a player. I know his last relationship lasted for two years and ended about 1.5 years back. It ended amicably and they are on good terms, but not close friends. He hadn't dated much since then, hadn't done the hookups and playing around. He seemed like a resolute good, decent guyready for a relationship.

I really don't feel like it was just sex for him, given what I wrote previously. Why talk of the future, talk openly about the loss of his mother, show me photos of friends and family, all of that, if it was just to be a hook up. You don't tell a hook up you want her to stay in bed at your house while you go to work and you don't talk about when the hook up will meet your family. It's just odd. That is what's throwing it most for me, not seeing it coming this way.

I hate how frustrated and sad this has made me. I started to get excited about this man and let myself open up and I feel like I got slammed when he poofed on me. I can absolutely understand how some women just shut down and swear off guys or become bitter and jaded. I hope not to get that way but I certainly do not want to feel so vulnerable and discouraged again. I've been crying and checking my phone every ten minutes. It's kind of pathetic! But, I've been cautious with my heart and this is the first guy since my last boyfriend (met two years ago, we broke up this past summer after 1.5 years) who I really connected with.

Through breakups over the years I've grown a thicker skin, but at the same time as I get older these letdowns hurt and linger longer. It's just sad and frustrating. I feel like my hope, trust and heart just shrink each time something like this happens,
Thank you all for your input. It really means a lot to me to get some perspective on this situation.

Our communication the last week was:

Sunday: saying goodbye, talking about meeting up during the week. He says "how about Wednesday" I say I have plans and we leave it at checking schedules and figuring it out later. I text him that night that I had a great time, he replies right away with the same.

Monday and Tuesday nothing.

Wednesday my plans get cancelled. I text to tell him and ask if he is still free. He replies that he messed up his schedule and has hockey Wednesday not Thursday as he thought. I text back and ask if he wants to aim for Thursday. He says he's waiting to hear back from his father if he needs his help after work Thursday but will let me know later in the day Wednesday. I reply that it sounds like a plan.

After that, nothing.

So, I have not checked in at all. And while part of me wants to to see if he is ok or as a WTF happened, I think I would feel worse afterwards. Esepcially if I got no response or something lame in return.

I don't typically move so quickly on the physical front. I usually wait until I am firmly in a relationship. But with him, it felt right and I wasn't sure what I wanted at that point with him and what might happen, so I went with it. I don't regret being intimate with him. After that point he still was talking about future things, still saying he wanted to see me. It really wasn't until after the last time I saw him, after a night together, that I started seeing him as something that could be more serious. I felt like he was so into things it seemed, shyly telling me I intimidated him but he felt so comfortable with me, that I actually felt like I had the upperhand in things. I was cool as a cucumber with him, never comning on too strong or pushing any serious conversation. It's just really disappointing and I am super disappointed at how much it has gotten to me.
You are right to not call again. Its been long enough to know he has pulled the vanishing man trick. Best to move on..do some fun things you enjoy and forget about him. I know it sucks to let someone get under your skin, let your defenses down.

Be prepared, he might actually call you after quite some time. maybe a month or even longer. I have a few friends who have had this happen. The guy completely vanishes even after having the same communication and connection you had. Then after a month or two he calls. Just to sort of fish around to see if she will still talk to him (basically to see if she is still an option). It happens....and if it does be prepared in advance. Prepared to tell him you have moved on. He will tell you he's so sorry for not keeping in touch, etc etc. If you take the bait, you will likey risk being his back up person. Some guys just like to check to see who is "standing by". Sounds bad and I hate to be so negative. I've just seen it too many times before.

Go and find someone worth your time who matches your desire to be available, here and now. Good luck...no one needs the games ;)
Thanks again for all of your input. I've been meaning to check back in with an update. The short news -- still haven't seen him. Been a month now!

So, after the back and forth texts like nothing was wrong, he did ask to see me several days in adance. He said he'd touch base the day before to confirm. Well, he did not. I called and left a message asking if we were still on. The next day (day of date) he called, said he'd missed my call when he was at work and did want to see me that night. We made plans for a time and restaurant. A few hours later I get a message from him that he's sick and left work to go home. I was ticked off, but what can you do if he is really sick. He asked to reschedule for the end of the week and I agreed to the day he suggested. Before the rescheduled date, he calls and is still sick. It's legitimate sick, but still, disappointing that two dates had been cancelled that week, even for being sick. He asked to see me that weekend, but I had plans out of town. He asked me to call him when I got back in on Sunday night and we'd work out a plan. I called that Sunday and we chatted and he tells me how he last minute is taking a week-long ski vacation. He said he wanted to see me when he got back in town. I joked he was hard to get a hold of and he said he was sorry, he's terrible with plans and it was not blowing me off in any way. So another week goes by. He's back from vacation, texts to ask what I've been up to, we go back and forth and he asks me out for the following night. Again, I have plans, especially with less than 24 hours notice. I suggest we work out another night. He says he's working all weekend and will let me know what works for him during the week, this week. And again, no word since then.

So I suppose it is more of the same. He's obviously not *that* interested, if really at all. I guess the plus side is I'm used to his bad planning and bailing, so don't really expect much from him. I'm definitely not viewing him as a potential for anything other than super casual dating. And seriously, even that we haven't been able to do in the past month. So, not holding my breath and certainly not going to reach out again to him.





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