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Relationship Health Message Board

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Gees, getting entangled with exes is hard. You have to be entirely willing to start a blank slate, and be prepared to forget everything and love again with an open heart - able to communicate everyhting you have a problem with so that issues can be worked through. And that is hard, when you have memories of breaking up the first time and how hard that was to get through.

Brief history of my experience- I started a relationship with a very special person and we were together for a year and 3 months to begin, as time went on we both felt niggling doubts that we weren't working, nothing catastrophic - just found we struggled for things to talk about sometimes, had a few personality differences, we didn't really have fun together all the time, found communicating problems difficult, it was a bit boring sometimes- even though we were in love and the physical side was amazing.

We eventually broke up for 5 months, during that time we were both pretty messed up by it, then we decided to get back together as we really missed each other. We were together for 7 months from that day, and I have no regrets for trying it, as we had a really good time. The buzz from being back together was like a total high, and I felt like a new person again. We tried to approach it as a totally new relationship and both agreed to make things work. Then similar issues crept back into it. I was ignoring little voices in my head and gut that said that I did not get back into it for the right reasons. His sister didn't like me for breaking up with him the first time, and from that grew alot of irrational resentment towards his family, and a few other issues I couldnt cope with.

in addition to this, the pain of the initial break up was also something that I really struggled to come to terms with, even once I was back with him. Yes, I was happy, but I felt sometimes that I was living on a knife edge and that if anything went wrong i was so scared to break up and fall back into my pit of depression and darkness. I would keep things bottled up sometimes instead of letting them out and communicating. I was so upset that we had split up once and all that I went through then trying to get over it. I couldn't face having to do that again.

My boyfriend was a very loving and rational man. He put up with a lot of my insecurities. He even got angry with me a few times for keeping things inside and said things like 'for gods sake im not going to break up with you!'

Eventually, despite KNOWING that he wouldnt have broken up with me, I decided to break up with him for the last time this weekend. I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle the self doubt, the bottling up of emotions, the constant fear that he would break up with me and that I had to make so much effort to try and make things right. I was a bit deluded I think, and really not thinking straight. I regret the decision entirely. Of course, the smart thing to have done would be to have voiced all my fears and doubts and let it be dealt with, rather than become a shaking, paranoid mess who second guessed my other half's thoughts and didn't voice my own. Ugh. I am absoloutely gutten beyone belief. I can't believe that I have actually put myself through this again. I am coming to terms with it, but really struggling as I am the one that messed us up.

Sorry for the massive saga...But, my point is, is that you must be ready to let go all your old insecurities and be able and comfortable to share your feelings, beliefs and concerns with your partner if you decide to get back involved with an ex. I'm not saying that its always a bad idea, as I was beyond happy to be back with him.

Relationships are like very strong and powerful drugs - you crave ANYTHING that can be done to get another hit of that drug. Make sure you want them back for the right reasons, and ask yourself if you can cope with making the changes in yourself that need to be made for the relationship to work.
Keep looking after myself... That's exactly what I am trying to do. I e-mailed him and apologized for being short with him and for placing all the blame on him. I very maturely just put it like - maybe we are just on different pages... And I don't want us to hate eachother - if we have to settle as distant friends, then maybe that's best. But I don't want him out of my life. And I just apologized to him for not considering his feelings. I think I was just focused on protecting myself this time around... So I was very blunt and nice in the e-mail... So I am just leaving it at that.

I physically feel weak and sick. I think I am coming down with something but I can't help but wonder if it's because of all the stress I'm under. With the ex = bad stress... But with school it's good stress I suppose... Anyway I feel warm and restless... Stuffy nose... :(

Maybe it's that OCD I have. It sucks. Thanks Ding, I am glad that someone knows what it feels like. The pain. The fear. The loss. I know the feeling of being in that ridiculous situation. It's like if he does call me and want to see me again, I'll suddenly be happy - yet if he doesn't I'll be sad but happy at the same time... I don't know. I like to have someone by my side. Sometime to talk to. Someone to be with. I like the feeling of knowing that someone cares... Yet whenever I let someone get too close I tend to push them away. This scares me. How will I ever be happy if I keep doing this? My ex said a lot of these words to me in our last conversation. And he was right... Another thing he said - which really is hitting me now and making me about to cry... Is that I could count on him and "talk to him when I feel down" and when you have someone, you naturally will feel happier and you're more apt to care about life more... He was saying all the right things, but like you Ding - I feel as if I should want to make myself happy and not count on other people so much... So it scares me and makes me feel like I need to be alone. I've been eating like crap the last few days but I'm not going to let it discourage me. I am starting back up with my workout exercise tomorrow morning. I will try to do anything to keep myself from giving up on myself again. Similarly, I thought to myself - if I were with him I would eat better. Because he is healthy and takes care of himself so it would be a good influence for me... Is that healthy? I mean I know I should want to do it for myself - and I do. But it is nice to have people around you that feel the same... That was a positive reason I gave myself to be with him - as well.

"We should look after ourselves regardless of whether we have a partner. It will only make things worse if we get weak or ill because of it, on top of heart ache."...... you're definitely right about this though. I haven't been talking to anyone about what I've been going through, besides you and others on this board. Just because I feel like everyone I know is so judgemental and they fill my head with so much confusion. What I need, what we all need - is for someone to listen and offer support. Not judge and make smart a** comments...

"Like you, I'm struggling to understand why I willingly put myself through such pain. I think its important to just hold onto the fact that there definitely were reasons that you broke up - the decision wouldnt have come out of nowhere. It is just hard to see the original reaons when all there is is pain. They will emerge again soon in a few weeks when you are feeling more like yourself, I promise." ----> Thanks for this. I definitely agree although it's easier said than done. I feel like I'm on this emotional rollarcoaster and I want balance but I can't seem to achieve it. =/

"And the part you said about the 'settling' feeling, I think you have to hold onto that and keep reassuring yourself that there is no need to settle for anyone or anything in life." ----> True which is another reason why I've been doubting everything... Because there's always this voice inside of you that is questioning your current actions and thoughts...

"My ex once told me 'I feel like I COULD marry you'. He didn't say 'I WANT to marry you'....I kind of felt like I was being settled for there. Maybe that was me over reacting and being paranoid in the relationship again...I don't know." --------->This would definitely upset me as well... I feel like if you're with someone, esp. the older you get - why be intimate in every way possible but have no intention in marrying the person. I mean some people move in together, live together for years, have kids..., the woman is doing the laundry and the cooking - all that... But they're not married because the man isn't ready to commit... I know there are many exceptions to this but I'm just giving an example based off of people I know... Anyway I think it's a bunch of bs... And I for one, don't want to be one of those women..... And it's one thing if you're in your early 20's but if a man doesn't know what he wants when he's 30, when the heck will he???... lol He should have said I WANT to marry you... Maybe I am like you and we just overanalyze that sort of thing but I don't know I would be mad about that too lol.

"Keep repeating the reasons why you felt you did the right thing, and in the end you will see it was for the best."------> I sure hope so because after that rant I just made, I hope I can just go with it and learn from my mistakes...

"Keep looking after yourself.[/QUOTE]"----->Same goes for you Bing..., let's keep this chat alive... I'm on fire! lol...
Hey Brokenreality,

I had to come back here just to let you know how I'm doing. I hope you are alright, I really do. I come with good news, and hope for you that things really will be ok.

I feel like I've come through some very dark rain clouds over the last couple of weeks, and just little by little I'm starting to break through into sunshine, I really am.

I am putting together an application for a really brilliant sounding job that I want to get, and if I get it I would be able to move house and live in the beautiful Lake District (I live in England), and it would be my dream job. I am suddenly getting just hugely excited about what my life holds for me. I don't have to worry about anyone else's feelings anymore. I don't have to plan days around anyone but me. I don't have to tell everyone else what i'm doing or where i'm going. I don't have to always 'make it work' anymore. I am YOUNG and have the rest of my life ahead, and my priority is totally going to be all about me until I am back to being happy again.

Before it was totally all about him. I was the one that moved house TWICE to be closer to him, he never uprooted himself for me or understood fully how stressful moving house is. I was the one who has worked in a crapola admin job for the last 15 months of my life to be able to pay rent on a house so that I could live near him. I never put my own life first. I am so excited to do exactly what I want from now on. I am going to get back into a regular gym routine and really throw myself back into my hobbies. I have some wonderful house mates and friends, and I feel ready to just have some FUN and silly happy times. I am going to see the world. I'm going to Madrid on holiday this weekend, and hopefully will do some more travelling this year - perhaps on a volunteer scheme or working at a summer camp - I just want to grab life for all its worth and enjoy it. Suddenly I feel free.

It really has sucked the last few days, it has been really terrible, as you well know. But I needed to get through it, and I experienced all those emotions ans worked them out in my head. I'm sure there will be low points in the future, but I really feel like i'm through the worst of it. A weight has been lifted. We've had no contact for almost a week now, and everyday I feel stronger. I don't even have the urge to contact him much anymore. My dependance on the drug is definitely losing it's fierce grip.

I am a lot more in control of myself. I have been talking to those around me, and gradually I am able to unload all of the stress and niggles and upset and problems I had in the relationship, and I am seeing it all almost in a new light. I can't actually believe how I was able to accept all the bad sides of the realtionship for so long.

I 100% made the right decision. There were absoloutely things I did wrong whilst we were together and that I wish to god I could go back and change, but at the end of the day there were also issues that would never change between us, and I think I would have been an unhappy and miserably compromised person in life if I were to have continued much longer in what was a pretty unhealthy relationship.

A week ago, all I was doing was fantasising about us getting back together and working things out. Now when I think about him, I fantasise about seeing him to say goodbye as I pack up and leave town, and to wish him luck in his life as I go on to face new experiences in my own. I do still care deeply about him and will really cherish the good times we had. But I want to move on, I really do. I would like to talk to him eventually to say goodbye properly, but other than that I really do not need him in my life.

Put your own happiness first, it is so important. I really wish you the best. Find the life thats right for you - forget about relationships for a while and look at what else you can do with your life to make you happy. Don't waste anymore time pining after a love that doesnt work. Take care. xxx
Hey Ding,

I am glad to hear that you're doing so well.

I've been better these last few weeks as well. Haven't heard anything from my ex, and I don't even care anymore. I'm really tired of thinking about him and not putting myself first. Especially when he isn't even worth it. I just had an interview at Vici's yesterday. I am hoping that I get the job, but at the same time I am not getting my hopes up. But it's nice to see that I'm finally getting some calls for jobs.

That's awesome that you are making a lot of positive changes. I am glad to hear it! For me, it is still taking it day by day. All of my attention has been on school, and I am trying to keep it that way the best I can. I still feel real angry - lots of unresolved issues once again that I wish I could throw at him. But then I know it doesn't make any difference. Actions speak louder than words. & he acts like he doesn't want to be with me when we're together, and when we're not together... So why do I care anymore? Idk...

The gym is great - a good way to work off all the stress and feel better about yourself... I've been doing the same. Not going every day though because I've been tired from school but I atleast try to get there Thursday's, Friday's, Saturday's, and Sunday's... :) It's really good to hear that you're around other people. There's nothing worse than being alone. I have been trying to put myself more out there and have made a few friends. And that REALLY helps.

So you said "suddenly you feel free." How long did that take for you? I am wondering when I will feel 100% free from the other me... :( I still feel trapped though. Not gonna lie. You know, I have came to the conclusion that I know I have my problems. Probably some that a man wouldn't/couldn't deal with right now..., but if someone loves you - they wouldn't back away so easy and be scared so easy? They would WANT to be in your life! Am I right? Because sometimes I can't even make sense of the thoughts inside my own head... :(

I'm tired of attracting losers, and maybe being by myself is a good thing. Because I seem a lot happier and stronger this way.

"There were absoloutely things I did wrong whilst we were together and that I wish to god I could go back and change, but at the end of the day there were also issues that would never change between us, and I think I would have been an unhappy and miserably compromised person in life if I were to have continued much longer in what was a pretty unhealthy relationship."--->I guess that answers my question above...

I don't know, I think I am still in one of the stages where I feel heartbroken. While I know the entire relationship was a crock, it's just hard for me to move on I guess. Despite my knowing it's for the best...

Thanks Ding for your story, and keep me posted as you go on all your new adventures. Your post definitely put a smile on my face. :)


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