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Relationship Health Message Board

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Gees, getting entangled with exes is hard. You have to be entirely willing to start a blank slate, and be prepared to forget everything and love again with an open heart - able to communicate everyhting you have a problem with so that issues can be worked through. And that is hard, when you have memories of breaking up the first time and how hard that was to get through.

Brief history of my experience- I started a relationship with a very special person and we were together for a year and 3 months to begin, as time went on we both felt niggling doubts that we weren't working, nothing catastrophic - just found we struggled for things to talk about sometimes, had a few personality differences, we didn't really have fun together all the time, found communicating problems difficult, it was a bit boring sometimes- even though we were in love and the physical side was amazing.

We eventually broke up for 5 months, during that time we were both pretty messed up by it, then we decided to get back together as we really missed each other. We were together for 7 months from that day, and I have no regrets for trying it, as we had a really good time. The buzz from being back together was like a total high, and I felt like a new person again. We tried to approach it as a totally new relationship and both agreed to make things work. Then similar issues crept back into it. I was ignoring little voices in my head and gut that said that I did not get back into it for the right reasons. His sister didn't like me for breaking up with him the first time, and from that grew alot of irrational resentment towards his family, and a few other issues I couldnt cope with.

in addition to this, the pain of the initial break up was also something that I really struggled to come to terms with, even once I was back with him. Yes, I was happy, but I felt sometimes that I was living on a knife edge and that if anything went wrong i was so scared to break up and fall back into my pit of depression and darkness. I would keep things bottled up sometimes instead of letting them out and communicating. I was so upset that we had split up once and all that I went through then trying to get over it. I couldn't face having to do that again.

My boyfriend was a very loving and rational man. He put up with a lot of my insecurities. He even got angry with me a few times for keeping things inside and said things like 'for gods sake im not going to break up with you!'

Eventually, despite KNOWING that he wouldnt have broken up with me, I decided to break up with him for the last time this weekend. I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle the self doubt, the bottling up of emotions, the constant fear that he would break up with me and that I had to make so much effort to try and make things right. I was a bit deluded I think, and really not thinking straight. I regret the decision entirely. Of course, the smart thing to have done would be to have voiced all my fears and doubts and let it be dealt with, rather than become a shaking, paranoid mess who second guessed my other half's thoughts and didn't voice my own. Ugh. I am absoloutely gutten beyone belief. I can't believe that I have actually put myself through this again. I am coming to terms with it, but really struggling as I am the one that messed us up.

Sorry for the massive saga...But, my point is, is that you must be ready to let go all your old insecurities and be able and comfortable to share your feelings, beliefs and concerns with your partner if you decide to get back involved with an ex. I'm not saying that its always a bad idea, as I was beyond happy to be back with him.

Relationships are like very strong and powerful drugs - you crave ANYTHING that can be done to get another hit of that drug. Make sure you want them back for the right reasons, and ask yourself if you can cope with making the changes in yourself that need to be made for the relationship to work.

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