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Relationship Health Message Board

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this is going to be very long.if youre not going to offer advice please dont waste your time.i'm sad i'm hurt i feel betrayed and i need help.i cry all the time,im crying even now.

i met my now former -ex, i dont like that word, boyfriend as of last saturday-,when i was only 16 years old.the sweetest most lovable person ive ever known in my life.we were together until the day after my 18th 19 now.the reason we broke up is because i hit him.i hit him because i was insecure and jealous.he did things that hurt me and my way of showing him how hurt i was,was by hitting happend more than once.i said i would never do it again and i did.i broke my promises just like he did along with other deceitful things.which infuriated me and i did hit again...again.the day after my birthday was the straw that broke the camels back.we have so many amazing and beautiful memories in the year and 2 months we were together.i know the relationship ending was not completely my fault but i know the majority of it is though we should have both been strong enough to deal with our insecurities, fears,whatever needed to be dealt was all down hill from there for me.i went into a depression.i was forced to move out (since i was 18) i had a job.even so i couldnt pay rent or by food, no car.i didnt fall asleep until 3 or 4 in the morning.i was living on my own with health issues too,and just to make my hell alittle more personal i llost the only person i've ever loved and would have done anything this day i would still do anything for him,i would give my life to spare his.a few months after the end of the relationship ended a mutual friend (my best friend for 7 yrs).told me that my ex was horribly bad talking me,talking about our intimate moments as if they were comical,was ridiculing me, he told me that my former boyfriend was into clubbing(we live in las vegas by the way) he was screwing random girls he meets at clubs,he even got into drugs.i feel sheer agony when we broke up and evven that word doesnt do how i felt justice,but when i heard was just as agonizing if not worse.when i heard this it felt like my heart fell to pit of my stomach,the very bottom and then was ripped right out of me.i couldnt beleive what heard, i honestly cant describe how i felt,disgust that word doesnt do justice either.i was the one he lost his virginty to (i know its revealing,im sorry) but i took extreme pride in that,knowing that he loved me enough to give himself to me and now hes freely giving him self to women who dont even respect themselves let alone him.i was depressed for months following the break up,suicidal,i never ate-4 or 5 almonds a day and i had to force myself to eat just that.i thought he hated me,that we were never going to be together did what i thought was gonna help me get over him,i degraded myself too,with people i could care less about,for almost a year,to fill a say my life was difficult the year and three months following our break up is an extreme understatement.we got back to gether in the middle of november of last year and it ended just this past saturday,not even 3 months.i found out that he cheated on me and that he lied to me the entire duration of our relationship he told me he wasnt able to see me or talk to me.after my best friend told me he cheated,my former told me not to talk to him anymore,said that what my friend did was unforgivable,though my friend was telling the truth.i know why he didnt want me to talk to him because the truth would be revealed to me by my friend, all the lies, the cheating it would all be revealed to me.and he was still hanging out with my best friend while i was shunning him.there were times when i really needed him i truly needed him and i was avoided, ignored.he wants to pin the break up (most of it) on me saying that i lied to him...never.he wasnt even the one who told me about the deceitfulness,my best friend did,and i shunned him because i thought he was lying to me, i believed my boyfriend, i love him and trusted him.i asked my former about him cheating and he said "you already know the truth so i don't have to admit it" saying that he wasnt in his right frame of mind and drunk-thats the first thing that came out of his mouth he was drunk.he also said that he didnt love me the same way he used to.Very cowardly that i hear the truth after the fact,and not even from the person that did it(the lies and the cheating part).i've always known in the back of my mind that he did,just the story hed told me didnt fit,i was just making up excuses for him.I cant beleive such a beautiful person turned so monstrous,the blissful days of our previous relationship just a memory,beautiful memories.and even now,despite whats been done to me,said about me,the way he regards me,i would still do anything for him,i would still take a bullet.i want to help him.i want to remind him of who he really is and who we were together.the gentle fish i fell in love with(hes a pisces,yes i sort of follow astrology)the sweet person that always wanted to make sure that EVERYONe was happy.not this disgusting alcoholic who clubs all the time does drugs and treats women like a piece of meat,(something he says he does because of me.)despite all of this i still wish i could be with him...there really is something wrong with me...i wont just walk away,i did that last time for almost a year.please help me,i still want to be with him...there really is something wrong with me...

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